


Timestamps for “Dear Dean”

by anyrei, Drunk_Idjit



Series: Dear Dean [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dear Dean, Falling In Love, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Online Dating, Timestamp, season 10
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-14
Updated: 2015-09-22
Packaged: 2018-04-14 17:00:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 27
Words: 45,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4572474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anyrei/pseuds/anyrei, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Drunk_Idjit/pseuds/Drunk_Idjit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Timestamps for “Dear Dean”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Timestamp for chapter 10

**Timestamp for chapter 10**

Hannah left their hotel room about an hour ago to take a walk so she could enjoy the quiet, warm summer night. Cas was glad that she did. Not that he didn't enjoy her company, but he liked to be alone when he read Dean’s letters.

 

He was also pretty sure that Hannah wouldn’t approve of what Cas was doing. Not that he cared. He took his time answering Dean’s e-mail. Everytime he had to lie to Dean he felt bad about it, and it hurt to write those lies down. But if Dean knew who he was there was no way he would speak to him so freely. And it felt so good to talk to him again.

 

He had to be more careful with what he was writing, though. When Dean told him that he reminded him of a friend who was kind of a dork, he worried that Dean could see right through him and would recognize who he was. Cas was pretty sure Dean was referring to him when he talked about his friend who was also not good with people.

 

What he didn’t know was, who was the mysterious man Dean had feelings for? And that bothered him, feeling like a painful stab in the heart every time he thought about it. It was the same feeling he had any time Dean talked about Lisa.

 

He wondered if he could really express his feelings to Dean if he had the chance, but if Dean already had feelings for another man then it would be impossible. He didn't dare think about it. The best tactic was to try to get more information about this guy while also remembering what these letters were originally intended for: Helping Dean. To provide him with someone he could talk to.

  
Cas knew he was also writing them for his own selfish reasons. He missed Dean and he was grateful for this open window into his life. 


	2. Timestamp for chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After chapter 11

**Timestamp for chapter 11**

Dean stared at the screen, re-reading his message for the third time. He had clicked send without giving himself a chance to look over what he wrote and now he was regretting it. There was no way Steve was going to write back after his rant. He didn’t even know why he went off like that, the dude’s been nothing but nice to him.

 

He grabbed his beer and downed what was left in the bottle. “I really am an asshole,” he thought to himself as he got up to grab another beer. Sam was out again, leaving Dean alone in the bunker as usual. He couldn't really blame him, after the shit that went down….

 

Beer in hand he sat down at his laptop and put on A New Hope. A Star Wars marathon was something he and Charlie could have done together. But she was in Oz, having herself an adventure. He really wished she was still around sometimes. He wished… a lot of people were still around.

 

“All your friends are dead,” Sam’s voice echoed in his head. He popped the top off the bottle and took a swig, watching the words scroll down the screen

 

_“A long time ago, in a galaxy far,_

_far away....”_

 

He wondered if Steve would like Star Wars. “Of course he would, who doesn't like Star Wars?” he spoke aloud.

 

What kind of job did Steve have? He pictured an American soldier stationed in the Middle East. He wasn't sure how accurate that was. Hell, he didn't even know if the guy was American. Reading in French, not having watched like any movies, that kind of weird vibe he gave off, like he didn’t always get what Dean was talking about.

 

He smiled to himself, that’s one of those things that made Dean feel like Steve reminded him of Cas. That awkward social interaction. Cas was a lot better about it now, especially after Metatron downloaded all that pop culture knowledge into his brain. But he was still a weird guy. Not that he saw enough of him to really know anymore. Now that he was off with _Hannah_ ….

 

He pushed it out of his mind again. Anything that reminded him of Sam or Cas was just too much to deal with at the moment. He still felt guilty about the things he did when he was a demon. What it took for Sam and Cas to stop him.

 

He checked the website again, nothing yet. Since he started getting messages from Steve he checked it several times a day. He had gotten messages from other people. A few girls he exchanged some dirty pics with, a few people who rubbed him the wrong way… but Steve’s the only one he really felt he could talk to. He really hoped he didn't fuck anything up by bitching him out. He just kept thinking about all the times Sam or Cas or somebody lied to him or went behind his back instead of being upfront with him, and how it always went wrong. Yeah he was guilty of it too, he knew that. But if he could keep someone else from having to go through that, he would.

 

He checked again, nothing. He got up and grabbed another beer, “He’ll write back,” Dean thought to himself, “yeah, he’ll definitely write back” he thought again, as if trying to convince himself.

 

 


	3. Timestamp for chapter 12

**Timestamp for chapter 12**

 

Usually Dean's letters filled Cas with excitement and happiness but the last one had left him paralyzed with doubt and self-hatred. He couldn’t concentrate on his mission and, every so often, when Hannah asked him a question he found that he hadn't been paying attention to her. His thoughts circled around one topic – one fear. That he would lose Dean because this had been his final mistake. The mistake that would be the final straw to break their friendship forever.

 

He wondered if he should just call Dean and try to get him to talk to him. Maybe he could be upfront and just give it a try. Maybe it could be like how it was in the past - before everything went wrong between them - and Dean would open up to him and welcome him back to be a part of his life instead of treating him like someone he tolerated when it was convenient. Cas had felt that way around Dean ever since the hunter had thrown him out of the bunker when he was human. Cas knew why Dean had to do it and Dean had apologized for it, but nonetheless - Cas didn’t feel welcome in the bunker anymore, and the memories of that night still hurt him.

 

Who was he kidding? Since he had to rely on stolen grace (and it was only a matter of time before he ran out of the new one too) he wasn't useful to Dean anymore. Healing himself left him drained every time he had to do it. And healing others was completely off the table.

 

A few days ago he had brought a girl to a hospital. She had been caught up in the middle of a fight between him and another angel. He couldn’t heal her. Thankfully she wasn't badly hurt, but he still felt guilty that he had failed to protect her in the first place.

 

He wondered if he should just tell Dean the truth about who he was and just deal with the consequences. Then he could say his goodbyes to Dean before he had a chance to see the pathetic shell of an angel he would be reduced to when it was time for him to die from his stolen grace.

 

On the other hand maybe he didn't have to tell Dean the truth. If he was careful he'd never find out. For all Dean knew Steve could be anyone and it was unrealistic that Dean would ever get so interested in him that he'd ever want to meet him. Especially because Steve and Cas were the same person and he knew Dean wasn't interested in Cas…

 

Maybe he would lose interest in him anyway, after clearly berating him for his moral decisions when dealing with his friends. It was too late to fix anything anyway.

  
So Cas opened his laptop and finally wrote back.


	4. Timestamp for chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can be read between chapters 12 and 13

**Timestamp for chapter 13**

“Hey Sam, get this. Papillion, Nebraska. Legend has it, the Hatchet House was a school in the early 1900’s that got shut down after a schoolteacher went crazy and chopped off all her students heads, placing their severed heads on their desks and throwing their hearts into a river.”

Sam stared at Dean, face a mixture of disgust and confusion. “That’s uh, great Dean. You know, when we decided you needed a vacation I figured that meant relaxing, watching tv… porn, probably. Don't you think that’s a little grizzly for recreational reading?

“It’s a case, Sam....”

“It’s really not, Dean." Sam interjected, exasperatedly.

Dean continued, despite the interruption, “Lately it’s become a popular spot for local field trips, or at least it was until several chaperone’s started dying of heart attacks days after the trip and being found with strange marks around their necks. It’s only a few hours drive from here, I’m thinking vengeful spirit, what do you think?”

“I think you need to open up a dictionary and get reaquainted with the actual definition of ‘vacation.’”

“Ha ha, very funny wise guy. So, come on… it’ll just be a quick salt and burn. Just to get it out of my system, come on…”

A look of pity flashed in Sam’s eyes. “I’ll check it out, you stay here.”

“You’re kidding. Come on Sam, this isn't vacation, it’s house arrest!”

Sam’s face softened, “Please Dean, just...relax. You’ve earned it. Enjoy it while you can. What about that dating site you were on. Anything going on with that?”

Dean’s face broke out into a mischievous grin. “Oh yeah, you could say that.” He pulled out his phone and held it in front of Sam. “That’s Jessica, Nancy, Cindi...with an ‘I’” He continued swiping through pictures to Sam’s horror.

“Dean, do you even know what any of these girl’s faces look like… or are arbitrary parts of their anatomy enough for you?” Sam rolled his eyes and shoved Dean’s phone out of his face.

“These are not arbitrary parts of their anatomy Sam,” Dean said, acting offended, “These women happen to be very proud of their natural gifts and I, for one, am not going to be as judgemental as some _other people_ around here might be.”

Sam sighed and gave Dean his infamous bitchface. “Have fun Dean, I’ll let you know if I need you for anything.” With that, Sam turned around and left, leaving Dean alone in the bunker again.

“ _I’ll let you know if I need you for anything_ ,” Dean mocked in a high pitched mumble. “Bitch,” he grumbled under his breath as he closed out the tabs he had open for research and was left with just one.

No messages from Steve yet.

He debated writing to him again, apologizing. That sounded stupid. He thought about finding someone else to write to, but nobody interested him the same way.

The weekend went by agonizingly slow. He spent all of Friday night watching his favorite movies. He was up early Saturday morning and with no messages he used his nervous energy to clean the entire bunker. Sunday he washed and detailed baby, cooked way too much food for just himself and then ate way too much food for just himself. And now, all morning spent on searching for a case, which he couldn't even go on.  

He knew it was for the best. They were both worried about how the Mark would continue to affect him. It was always out of the frying pan and into the fire for them. Being a demon was so much easier.

He wondered about Steve again. Would he be good on hunts, if he knew about the real monsters of the world? Probably. He sounded like a tough guy, a real soldier. Dean looked up to those guys. Guys who understood what war was really like, what it meant to commit yourself to a cause, to something bigger than you...but without losing yourself to it. He wondered if Steve was someone he could just hang out at a bar with. “Probably better company than Crowley…” He thought to himself.

With a sigh he checked the website one more time before figuring out how else he was going to waste the day.

_You have 1 new message_

**  
** Dean stared at the screen numbly. It was from Steve.


	5. Timestamp for chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can be read between chapters 16 and 17

**Timestamp for chapter 17**

“Fuck!” Dean rubbed his face with his hands and sighed loudly ”Fuck!” He repeated, the word muffled behind his hands.

So Steve _was_ flirting with him.

How in the hell was he supposed to respond to that? Was he already...was he flirting with Steve without even realizing it?

“Alright,” he wiped his hands off his face and stood up, steadying himself with the back of his chair, “I think I need a drink.”

When he sat back down again it was with a small glass and a bottle of whiskey. He was going to need something more than beer to steady his nerves. He filled the glass halfway and took a sip. “Okay, let’s figure this out.” He said aloud.

So what if Steve was flirting with him? It’s just harmless flirting, he flirted with pretty much every hot chick he’s ever met… and yeah maybe with a few guys too, though he wasn't ever serious about that, was he?

“Uuuggghhhh” he groaned, taking another sip. How was this different from flirting with a woman though, right? Besides the fact that the point of flirting is that it leads to something….

But it wouldn’t though, would it? He already had a guy he was obviously in love with. So all of this was just for fun, just a way to pass the time. Nothing serious….

He grabbed his laptop and set it in front of him, Steve’s message still open. He hit “reply.”

_Steve,_

__

_Hey man, I’m flattered and all but I’m not really interested in..._

He immediately deleted that

_Steve,_

__

_Ha, I knew you were flirting! It’s ok I’m not uncomfortable, it’s just that…_

He erased that too.

_Steve, oh I think I can handle myself against you just fine. It’s not just my hand to hand combat skills that I’m proud of, if you know what I mean_ ;)

Delete.

He finished off his drink and poured another. It’s not supposed to be this complicated. He’s just writing to someone anonymously as a way to distract himself, right? Why make it such a big deal then?

_Steve,_

**  
…**


	6. Timestamp for chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can be read after Chapter 19

**Timestamp for chapter 19**

**  
**  


After sending the email Dean poured himself another drink and made his way to his room. He sat back against the headrest with a grunt, taking a sip of whiskey as he settled himself on the bed. Sam had warned him that sitting around sulking and getting drunk was not the way he should be spending his time off. _Yeah well, fuck Sam._ He knew Sam was just trying to help but he didn’t understand. This mark, the things going on in his head…

Sure he had a good idea with the website… Dean didn’t expect to meet someone like Steve at all. And their conversations were something he looked forward to… but, now? The flirting thing threw him for a loop. Should he let it continue? On the one hand, he didn’t go on this website to satisfy some homoerotic curiosity, or whatever. On the other hand, why not? No one was going to know but him and Steve.. . and the guy was probably just using him to forget about the guy he’s infatuated with. So, no harm no foul, right?

It just… it wasn’t that easy. And it should have been. Flirting was practically his second language! So why was it so hard now? There was something about Steve, he couldn’t figure out what it was but… it felt like he knew him somehow. Maybe he just reminded Dean too much of Cas. They would probably get along, their awkwardness would just multiply to some hilarious level. Would Cas get jealous if he brought Steve around? He frowned to himself as the thought crossed his mind. Why would Cas get jealous? What was there to be jealous about?

Maybe because Dean was ignoring him completely when all Cas wanted was to help. Anger swelled up in Dean. He didn’t ask for help. Words from Steve’s email flashed in his mind _“I killed someone today."_ When he read that… a  feeling like butterflies fluttering  around in his stomach rose and twisted in him until it felt like heartburn, eating up his chest and rising in his throat. He knew Steve was feeling like crap over it but Dean couldn’t help feeling… jealous?

He looked down at the angry red scar on his arm. This _fucking_ mark. He hadn’t killed in a while… and it was calling out to him. He needed more of a distraction.

With a look to his dresser he eyed the whiskey bottle, almost empty. _Fuck_. Next to it, his cell phone. If he could talk to Steve about reaching out to someone he cared about, someone he was worried about losing… why shouldn’t he follow his own advice? He picked up the phone and dialed…

The phone rang a few times before Dean heard the click as someone answered with a tired, but surprised voice: _“Dean?”_

__

_Cas, hey… you busy?_

__

_No, I’m not. How are you Dean?_

__

_Doing alright, you know… best I can anyway. You doing okay?_

__

_I’m okay… I’m a bit bored to be honest._

__

_Ha, you want to talk bored? Sam's got me locked up in this bunker, it's like I’m grounded._

__

_But you’re not actually locked up, right? I mean, you could leave if you wanted to?_

__

_Figure of speech man. I just got nothing else to do, Sam won't let me go on hunts with him. I'm getting cabin fever here, feel like I’m about to go full Nicholson, you know?_

__

_You mean like in “The Shining?” I hope you won't go running around with an…. I’m sorry. I… how are you feeling, Dean? Is the mark still affecting you?_

__

_Now he gets it. Alright, bad choice of words. I’m not all madman with an axe or anything. I’m just getting restless. The mark… yeah, not gonna lie, it’s kind of getting to me too._

__

_You know that Cain learned to live with the mark. Maybe there are things you can do that will help you keep it under control. What have you been doing to keep busy while Sam isn't there?_

__

_Bullshitting around mostly. Cleaning, watching movies, cooking a lot…. porn. You know, the usual. I’d like to hit up a bar or something but Sam insists that staying home is the best way to keep out of trouble. Like I said… grounded_

__

_You cook?_

__

_Yeah, I’ve been trying out a few things. You know, now that we have an actual kitchen and we’re not living off microwave burritos and diner food. ._

__

_That sounds nice._

__

_It’s not bad. Next time you come around I’ll make you something. Be nice to cook for someone who appreciates good food for a change. Sam’s still on that damn health food kick._

__

_Are you making burgers? I’ve recently found the need to eat again._

__

_Hell yeah, I can make burgers. But, umm….. you feeling ok, Cas? How’s that grace treating you?_

__

_I feel tired and I need to sleep now, which is annoying. If I don't waste my grace I think it will be okay for a few months. And... I can't heal myself anymore._

__

_Shit, Cas. There’s gotta be something we can do. You can’t just go on like this._

__

_Well Metatron certainly won't tell me were the rest of my grace is - provided any of it is left._

__

_Come on, there’s gotta be a way. Isn’t there anything else?_

__

_I’ve already searched for an answer and the only solution seems to be to refill my grace with that of another angel’s. And I won’t do that, Dean. I don't want to kill anymore of my brothers and sisters. Maybe I just have to accept that this is the end. But don't worry about me, getting rid of the mark is more important. I'm not giving up finding a cure for you._

__

_We’ve already been over this. There is no cure. Just… just leave it alone. I can handle this. And what do you mean just accept it’s the end? I’m not having that, Cas. How can you just give up like that?_

__

_So you're allowed to give up and I'm not? ... I'm sorry,  Dean. I don't want to fight with you. It's actually very nice to hear your voice._

__

_Damn it, Cas…… Yeah, it’s nice to hear your voice too. Don’t be a stranger, man. How’s the uh...mission going? And uh...how’s it going with that Hannah chick?_

__

_We separated a few days ago. She had to go back to Heaven but she said she would come back in a week so we can resume our mission. I think she will be glad when this is over. Humanity confuses her._

__

_Yeah well, it’s confusing for all of us._

__

_The confusing things are part of its charm. Every time Hannah and I talk about humanity I notice how different I have become from my brothers and sisters. The looks she gives me… like she feels sorry for what I have become… Maybe I’m not being fair. Maybe she just worried about me. But I’m still glad to be on my own for a while._

__

_I hear ya, just make sure you find your way home to us….ok?_

__

_You want me to come back? Why...?_

__

_What do you mean, why? You’re family, Cas. We all take care of each other. So just… be careful out there, okay buddy?_

__

_I just thought... It doesn't matter. Thank you, Dean... I’ll try. I should go now... I'm really tired... but it was nice speaking with you. I missed that._

__

_Yeah, same here. Night, Cas._

__

_Goodnight, Dean_

 


	7. Timestamp for chapter 20

**Timestamp for chapter 20**

 

The call from Dean had been unexpected. Unexpected, but exactly what Cas had needed, what he had longed for since his messages with Dean had started. But he knew he couldn’t build up the courage to just call him himself. He was glad that Dean had taken the first step.

 

It really meant something. Words like “Yeah, it’s nice to hear your voice too” and “Next time you come around I’ll make you something” – the words felt like an absolution – building up a hope in Cas that their friendship could be saved and there was still time, like Sam said, to “rekindle” it and get it back to where it once was.

 

On the other hand Dean had called him family and buddy. Both terms that were used to describe non-romantic relationships. Cas knew it was selfish to continue writing his letters as Steve. But Dean had started flirting with him and these words – Cas liked how these words made him feel, this crazy feeling like bees were flying around in his stomach and how his heart was suddenly beating faster. It made him happy and warm all over and he just couldn’t give that up.

 

Since their phone call Cas had decided to cherish feeling like a human again. His grace had always dampened his feelings and now he could experience everything with full force again.

 

Not everything felt fine of course – he didn’t miss being tired or hungry but he definitely enjoyed the taste of food again, now that he didn't taste all of the molecules that made it up anymore. He loved feeling the warmth of the sun or waterdrops running down his body, the wind leaving goosebumps where it graced his wet skin.

 

Going swimming in the ocean was just the first step in his new found adventurous mission to savor everything humanity had to offer. And he had loved being there. The power of the waves crashing against the cliff, seagulls screeching and flying over the water, always hungry for their next catch – it was its own world and for a few hours he could lose himself in it.

 

Cas had been standing on the brink of a high and rocky cliff, looking down at the dark water under him. He had felt the urge to jump – to let himself fall – to surrender to the longing to spread his wings and fly again. He just knew that he couldn’t anymore. So he took a running start and jumped as far as he could – and for a single, small moment it felt like flying.

 

As he returned to the cliff he was reminded of his life again when a man approached him and told him that he had taken a “cool” photo of him. The first thing that came to his mind was that he could give this picture to Dean as the photographer showed it to him on his digital camera.

 

Dean wouldn’t recognize him from this angle, so he had asked the man to email the picture to him.

 

Cas felt bad about lying to Dean. What he would give to send a real photo to him…. To flirt with him with the certainty that Dean meant it for him and not Steve. But this was all he would get and he couldn’t change that.

  
He knew he didn't have much time left. And if his last few weeks could consist of him being able to flirt with Dean, and getting an equal response from him, then he wouldn't change that for the world. 


	8. Timestamp for Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Timestamp for Chapter 21.  
> POV from both Dean and Cas (Dean's can be read before chapter 21 and Cas's can be read after chapter 21)

**Dean**

 

“Dean what the hell?!”

 

“Oh hey Sammy, something got your panties in a twist?”

 

“This isn’t funny Dean, I was working a case!”

 

“And I’m sure you looked fabulous doing it.”

 

“It’s time to call off the prank wars, this is going too far.”

 

“Sammy, you have no idea… I haven’t even gotten started yet. If only I had something better to do with my time…”

 

“I’ll think about it. Just… stop, alright?”

 

“I’ll think about it”

 

He heard the phone click as Sam hung up. Alright, mixing a ton of glitter into Sam’s shampoo might have been going too far. But it’s not his fault his brother didn’t even bother looking in a mirror this morning. Or even noticed the glitter that must have surrounded him in the shower. There’s no way he should have left the house without noticing… but he did. Dean felt no guilt as he sat back at the table opening up his laptop with a wide grin. Hey, if it get’s Sam to rethink leaving Dean out of cases then he had no problem with it.

 

His grin widened when he noticed that he had a new message from Steve. His eyes scanned through the message and he laughed out loud when Steve mentioned coating his laptop in orange juice. Wait till he heard about the glitter.

 

He finished up the message and chuckled to himself, “what a dork.” His attempts at flirting were, well they were getting there. Dean still wasn’t sure how he felt about getting physical with a guy, but he didn't have to worry about that now anyway, they were just talking. No big deal.

 

“Damn, Steve.” He clicked on the attachment to see a picture of a man in shorts jumping into the ocean. “Not bad…” He looked down at his stomach and clicked his tongue, “gotta get rid of all this” he said as he patted his belly. No exercise and plenty of home cooking left him looking a little pudgier than he was used to. “I’m getting old,” he muttered.

 

He grabbed his cell phone off the table and walked over to the bathroom to look in the mirror. He lifted his shirt and quickly snapped a picture, not caring too much about quality, he wasn't going to top Steve’s pic that could have won a damn photography award or something.

 

Dean looked at his picture and grimaced. “Well, let’s see how handsy you feel about this.” He mentally reminded himself to get some exercise in soon, if he wanted to get back into hunting anytime soon he needed to get back into shape.

 

He went to put his shirt down and stopped halfway, poking and prodding his stomach and chest. He wondered if Steve would think he was attractive. The guy looked like he was pretty fit. Not bulky or anything, but he probably ran everyday or something, like Sam did. _Running_ , he scoffed. _No thank you._

 

He sighed deeply and walked out of the bathroom, he needed actual human interaction. He sat down at his laptop and hit reply.

 

An hour later he was still sitting there, re-writing his message for the millionth time. He really wished he had gone out to the liquor store, writing this sober was fucking hard. Everything he wrote felt so damn awkward.

 

He finally just wrote something down and clicked send. He sat back with a sigh, he hasn't had such a tough time flirting since middle school.

 

He pulled out his phone and texted Sam:

 

_Hey princess, pick me something up from the liquor store_

A few minutes later his phone beeped with a reply:

 

_I’m not enabling you Dean, I think you’ve done enough drinking and sulking around_

Dean rolled his eyes:

 

_Guess I’ll just have to find something else to do with my time. What to do, what to do…_

The reply was instant this time:

 

_I’m coming back tomorrow, I’ll bring you something then. Don't mess with my stuff. I mean it._

With a cocky grin Dean texted back:

 

_You’re the best, Samantha_

 

….:::: ::::....

 

 

**Cas**

 

Cas felt lightheaded from the whiskey as he leant back against the headrest of his bed, pulling the laptop closer to his face and smiling broadly at Dean’s picture. His fingers touched the screen, imagining he could feel Dean’s skin under his fingertips. The way Dean held up his shirt looked like an offering. He wanted to be touched. To be touched by Steve.

 

An involuntary growl left Cas’s lips. No reason to get jealous about a person that didn’t exist. He was Steve. Dean was essentially offering his body to Cas because Cas was the one who had gotten Dean to flirt with him. It was just that Dean didn’t know. Cas shook his head as he felt the guilt creep back into his mind. Dean would never find out. Steve was inaccessible.

 

Cas was proud of his skills as a tactician. He was one of the best in Heaven. It was the reason why he had gotten the order to save Dean from Hell. No one could plan a siege like he could. Dean would never find out… He would keep his friendship and he would keep this wonderful flirting with Dean at the same time.

 

He re-read Dean’s letter for the fortieth time now, although he prefered the fourth paragraph and sometimes just skipped directly to it.

 

The beginning of the letter always left him with mixed feelings that he didn’t quite understand. It was frustrating that Dean set different valuations for the same kind of behaviour. How did he think Cas felt having to watch Dean continue to sacrifice himself for the greater good, like how he was now with the mark - now being too stubborn to let his friends help. At the same time it warmed his heart that Dean thought that Cas should think about himself a little more.

 

Well, that was exactly what he was doing right now. Although he wasn’t sure if Dean had meant it like this. Probably not. Cas knew that Dean wouldn’t want him to touch him, to find out about those secret spots he was referring to (writing that had been an honest mistake but Cas was glad it had turned out into this wonderful teasing).

 

But Cas was alone in his bed now, feeling a bit drunk and lightheaded with a picture of Dean’s naked torso on his lap. That did things to him… He knew how arousal felt like, thanks to every fall into humanity that had showed him the perks of being human.

 

Dean had liked Cas’s picture. And it was _his_ picture. It was _his_ backside. Cas was grateful that Jimmy had taken so much care of his body. He had been a runner and a good swimmer, activities that had shaped this body into an attractive form. For a few years now this has been his body and he swore to take good care of it, too. First and foremost because he never wanted to ruin another life by possessing someone else ever again.

 

His gaze wandered back to Dean’s picture. He pictured himself standing in front of Dean, running his hands over his chest and stomach, circling his anti-possession tattoo with his fingertips. Sadly his fantasy stopped there, because there were things he didn’t yet know about Dean. Like how he would react to this? Would he moan… would he push him against a wall or on a bed and… kiss him.

 

Cas took in a deep breath as he felt his member harden, pressing against the underside of the laptop. He bit his lip as his hand wandered into his boxers, touching the hard and warm skin and gave it a few tentative strokes. It wasn’t the first time he tried pleasuring himself but he still could count all the times on one hand. He gripped the laptop with his other hand and sat it next to him on the bed, his gaze never leaving Dean’s picture.

 

He tried to imagine his hand was Dean’s, that he was doing this to him. That they were lying on Dean’s bed in his room in the bunker. Dean slept on the left side, leaving a lot of empty space on the right side where someone could easily fit next to him. Cas wanted to be this someone. He wanted to be there with him, to hold him close, to kiss him and to trace every inch of his body with his hands and his lips. It didn’t take long for him to come. He lay there panting, all the while giggling and grinning at the picture as the afterglow faded into the quietness of his shabby hotel room.

 

The smile vanished from his face and all Cas was left with was an awful burning sensation in his heart as he slowly realized that this would never really happen.

 

 

 


	9. Timestamp for chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Timestamp for chapter 23 (Can be read after chapter 23)

Bleary eyed, Dean hovered his mouse over the reply button. There was no way he could send that to Steve, no fucking way. Not only was he embarassing himself, but he was gonna weird the guy out and all he needed now was to lose the only person who actually listened to him and made him feel like a real fucking person. He closed his eyes and held his breath for what seemed like minutes before clicking the damn button and letting out a deep sigh. He opened his eyes:

 

_Message Sent_

 

“I’m such a dumbass” The chair screeched below him as he clumsily got up, momentarily losing his balance and steadying himself on the table. He really shouldn’t have stayed up all night drinking. His eyes scanned the room, broken glass and splintered wood littered the floor.

 

“Damn it, Dean,” he shook his head and made his way through the room, shoes crunching through the debris. He lost his cool again. The fight with Sam last night had been brutal, but his reaction… he knew his anger was amplified by the mark. He was having a harder time controlling it. The fight kept playing over and over in his head:

 

_Admit it, you still haven't forgiven me for what I did when I was a demon!_

_It wasn't you, Dean. I know that and I don't blame you for it._

_Yes you do, Sam and you fucking know it. You think I haven’t noticed that you can’t stand being around me? That you… you take every opportunity to go anywhere but here? That’s the real reason you don’t want me working, you don’t want me around._

_What? Dean, that’s crazy! I don’t want you hunting because I want you to relax! You’ve been through a lot and there’s no point in you just wearing yourself out more. I want you to get back to hunting when you’re ready._

_I am ready! This isn’t about me, it’s about you. The things I said to you…. Sam, I tried to bash your head in with a hammer._

_That wasn’t you!_

_You know it was. Some of it was still me and you hate me for it. Admit it, just admit that it got to you and that’s why you’ve basically gone ghost while keeping me on lock down._

_Fine! Some of the things you said. About us. About dad. About me? Fine, I can’t forgive you for it. Not yet. I need some time to cool down, to just think about things on my own without you making me feel like crap along the way. Alright, you happy?_

_Ecstatic. Feel better now that you got that out?_

_No._

_Didn’t think so. Let me guess, gonna leave again?_

_Yup._

_Fan-fucking-tastic. Well I’ll just stay here like a good little housewife, make sure the house is nice and clean and supper’s on the table when you get back. How’s that?_

 

Sam had stormed out then, leaving Dean to pound down half a bottle of whiskey and turn his rage out onto every breakable thing in the room. As he continued drinking his thoughts turned darker. He needed to break more than furniture, he needed to hurt something, somebody, he needed to stop the pounding in his head, he needed to feed something dark twisting inside him. Grabbing the bottle his eyes scanned the room, falling in the laptop that sat on the untouched table, reminding him that he hadn’t checked for any messages from Steve. Somehow, finding a new message waiting for him was enough to bring him back down, his rage slowly dissipating as he read the message several times.

 

"You better not have fucked things up for me," Dean muttered to himself as he made his way to the bathroom and stepped out of his clothes, tossing them aside. He stepped into the shower and leaned his head against the cold tile, letting the hot water wash over him, sobering him up.

 

He really hoped Steve wrote back, he was starting to think he really didn’t mind satisfying his curiosity as much as he thought he would. So he was against the idea at first, so he told himself this was something he could tuck away into a corner of his mind… deny, deny, deny. He spent so much time running away from any homoerotic thought that crossed through his mind that even now, when he actually found someone he was comfortable with, he still felt guilty even thinking about it. But he didn’t have to. Not with Steve.

 

Steve’s picture came to mind and he felt some of his anger and self loathing ebb away, letting his body relax under the spray of the hot water. Lathering himself up he thought about what Steve would reply with. Would he be interested or uncomfortable? Was he thinking of Dean the same way, fantasizing about what he would do with him… or would he think Dean was just too fucked up, not what he was looking for? He didn’t even know why he wrote what he did. Why did he say he was touching himself to Steve’s pic? It was true though, thinking about Steve... it got him hard. It got him thinking about stuff they could do together.  

  
He lazily ran his palm over his soapy cock and felt it stiffening even more. He wondered if Steve was a top or a bottom, or if he even knew himself. He wondered if he was really ready to find out. He thought about what it would be like, having a cock in his mouth, feeling Steve writhing and moaning underneath him. Knowing it was him that could make Steve come. He bit his lip, speeding up his pace as he began to thrust upwards into his hand. He wondered what Steve looked like, what it would feel like to grab him and kiss him and fuck him. He felt the pressure build up low inside him and his moaning grew louder and louder until he came hard and fast with a grunt. He let his head fall back with a soft thud on the shower tiles as he regained his breath. “Fuck.” What the hell was he getting himself into?


	10. Timestamp for chapter 24

**Timestamp for chapter 24**

 

The laptop chimed indicating he had a new message and Cas instantly put down his copy of Slaughterhouse 5 to walk over to the motel bed where he had left his laptop open and running. He had one new message. Cas smiled when he saw it was from Dean - feeling the funny sensation in his stomach he nowadays was accustomed to every time he read new words from the hunter. He sat down on the bed and opened it.

 

_Steeeeeeeeve_

 

Cas grinned – it looked like Dean was in a good mood.

 

_Oh so you’ve been drinking? Well me too. I actually, well I had a pretty bad fight with my brother last night (yes, I do live with him by the way) and I’ve been feeling kind of like shit since then. I want to go back to work and he doesn’t think I’m ready. If it wasn’t clear already, I also work with him. So I’m halfway through my bottle of whiskey and I may have broken a few things in my living room before realizing that you wrote me back, which calmed me down a bit._

  
  


Cas took in a deep breath. He didn't like that Sam and Dean had a fight. He knew how much Dean needed his brother – especially now and it ached for him to hear that Dean had felt the need to get intoxicated to deal with his emotions. Once more he wished he could be at Dean's side. If only he would let him.

  
  


_I know I’m not exactly coming off as very attractive right now. Hey I have anger problems and I drink too much. But I think you’ll be okay with it, for some reason._

  
  


Cas knew Dean's anger issues were a result of the influence of the mark. And even if Dean didn't understand it – Cas knew that the mark wasn't defining who Dean was. In Cas's eyes Dean was perfect and he loved every part of him – even the things Dean considered as flaws.

 

_Don’t feel like you have to drink just to… I don’t know, fit in or impress me or anything. I like you anyway. So you’re kind of dorky, and not exactly all that smooth. That’s alright, you still got me all kinds of fucked up._

 

Cas raised an eyebrow. He didn't understand what Dean meant by “got me all kinds of fucked up”. He hoped it wasn't something bad or that he had gone too far in his letters. On a side note, Cas thought it was very considerate of Dean to question “Steve's” motive to drink – it hadn't been because he wanted to impress Dean. Cas just really wanted to drink something that night.

 

_Did you even realize the shit you got me thinking about now? You and me at the beach, lying around in the sun, sandcastles and shit, fucking sex on the beach. Yeah, I said it… I… kinda wanna fuck you Steve._

 

Cas stared at the screen. His heart made a painful leap in his chest and he had to re-read the words to make sure they were real.

 

_I… kinda wanna fuck you Steve._

 

Cas’s mouth went dry and he could feel his erection straining against his pants. “Dean...,” Cas groaned and inhaled deeply, trying to get his heartbeat under control. He forced himself to read further.

 

_So I might not understand everything that goes along with, you know… dude sex, or whatever. But I’m down to figure it out. And I’m definitely interested in finding out how long you can hold your breath for. I think we can find a way for this skill to come in handy...._

 

Cas cursed his inexperience now more than ever. He had no idea what Dean was referring to – that remark about holding his breath was just meant to impress Dean, but obviously he had made another sexual innuendo without knowing it. He swore to himself to research everything there was to learn about “dude sex” before he could adequately answer Dean's letter.

 

_Sorry, I’m getting ahead of myself. Uhh…. yeah so I have a tattoo. It’s a, well it’s kind of a protection tattoo, my brother has one too… it’s a family thing. Speaking of my brother, the glitter thing was hilarious. I don’t know how he didn’t notice it but I did get chewed out for it later… it might be time to retire my prank king crown… it was fun while it lasted. But I really do want to get back to work so it's time to get serious._

 

Cas wondered if Dean could persuade Sam to let him work again. He didn't think it would be such a bad idea to get him back into hunting. Cas knew that Dean would feel better if he could help innocent people again. Sitting around wouldn't do him any good if it went on for too long.

 

_And you're right, as usual. I'm just as guilty of going against what everybody's telling me to do and getting myself in real shitty situations just to do what I think is right. I get that, but that doesn't excuse what my friend is doing. See, I've already told him I want him to stop trying to help me, I've told him I want him to take care of himself. He doesn't give a damn. Never listens to me about shit like this, drives me crazy. And alright, I'm not the best at making him feel welcome sometimes, but I try. I don't think he actually wants to be around. Why would he?_

 

Cas let out a frustrated growl and nearly pushed the laptop off his lap as he punched the nearby pillow. How could Dean even think that? Why wouldn't he want to be around? Some of Dean’s favorite curse words jumped to mind when he thought about how unwelcome he actually felt every time he had visited the bunker. But then again Dean had asked him to come home... He had used the word “home” as if the bunker was Cas's home, too. Cas closed his eyes for a few seconds before forcing himself to read the rest of the letter.

 

_I'm getting all mopey now. I don't like thinking about him, or how I feel about him. Oh, I guess I haven't been very clear about it, but this is the same friend I talked about before, that maybe made me feel... I dunno, I honestly don't even know._

 

Cas blinked.... “What?” He read the next few lines to see where this was going.

 

_He's different. He makes me feel like I'm so fucking special, and I'm not. And maybe we do have some kind of "special connection" or something but I can't... I can't do anything about it. I'm not gonna ruin whatever friendship we do have just to see if what I feel is... I dunno, real._

 

Cas thought his heart had stopped beating. He slowly shook his head – frowning, then he tilted his head and re-read the last paragraph. The words didn't change. But... What...? Why... Huh...?

 

Cas let the laptop glide next to him on the bed and stood up. He walked to the table and poured himself a glass of whiskey before contemplating his action and deciding to take a large gulp from the bottle instead.

 

He stood there for a while with the bottle in his hand – paralyzed and completely confused. The only thing in the room that moved was the hand of a very ugly clock that quietly ticked away the time. Cas took another sip from the bottle. He must have read that wrong. Cas knew he sometimes misunderstood things. That had to be it. He slowly returned to the bed, putting the bottle on the night table and grabbed the laptop again. He re-read the last two paragraph a third time.

 

It didn't change. Dean was talking about him. Cas was the friend he “maybe” had feelings for... Cas couldn't believe it. He re-read the passage a fourth time just to be sure.

 

Cas found it difficult to understand his feelings. He felt strangely numb. Shouldn't he be happy? Maybe there was hope for him to... He stopped himself right there. No. Dean wasn't sure about his feelings and he clearly stated that he wasn't going to do anything about it. He went as far as to refuse to even think about the idea.

 

Cas grabbed the bottle again and took a large gulp that left a pleasant burn in his throat. How could he make Dean comfortable with the idea of him and Cas? What could he do to change his mind?

 

Cas knew that there were two aspects that may have led to Dean being uncomfortable with all of this. First of all he was insecure about the fact that they both were male and Dean had only been with females before. The second aspect was the serious relationship part. Dean didn't even want this with a woman. He knew his life was too dangerous and he had built this wall around him to protect him from being hurt by the loss of people he cared about. So he chose to be alone and to never let anyone near him.

 

So Cas had two objectives. First of all was to get Dean comfortable with the idea of getting physical with a man. He was sure he could do this with a little bit more help from “Steve.” They were already on a good path towards this anyway. Although Cas was very aware that he could also use this time to gain more experience before he could try any actual flirting with Dean as himself.

 

The second objective would be more challenging, but Cas wasn’t going to lose hope that he could find a strategy for that, too. After all, he could be very stubborn if he set his mind on something and in this case he was highly motivated.

 

Cas took a deep breath and continued reading Dean's message.

 

_I'm sorry, now I'm just sitting around feeling sorry for myself and that's not what I wanted to do. I wanted to talk to you. What I'm trying to say is, what we're doing here, it's ok. I'm curious about where it's going too. I actually look forward to hearing about what you’re up to and uh… it’s kind of flattering how distracting you find my picture. I mean it wasn’t really anything sexy or anything, I can send you something better than that if you’re interested ;)_

 

Cas grinned broadly. Objective one was already going better than he had thought. He just hoped Dean wouldn't lose his nerves on that. And he was very interested in getting another photo of Dean.

 

_I’ve actually been kind of distracted by your picture myself. And by distracted I mean I’m at half mast here just thinking about what your body would feel like. I mean, ok this might sound kind of dirty and I’m sorry if I put you off by this, but I’m drunk and I’m thinking of you and I’ve got my hand on my cock and ‘m kinda wishing it was you touching me. I’m sorry I’m probably going to really regret this in the morning and I’m not even sure if I should send you this. I’m going to go before I embarrass myself anymore._

 

Dean's words didn't fail to have a massive impact on Cas. The angel feared his heart would jump out of his chest – like in that case they once had two years ago. His hand automatically moved into his boxers, stroking himself while re-reading the last passage. Dean had touched himself... and was thinking about him, wishing he would be the one touching him. Like Cas had done after receiving the letter with Dean's photo. It was nearly too much to handle. Cas knew it wouldn't take long for him to come, losing himself in the thought that he was the one Dean had feelings for. And finally – the meaning of this words really hit him in a wave of pure happiness and joy.

 

Cas smiled at his laptop as he cleaned the mess on his stomach with some tissues from his nightstand.

  
  


_PS. Try toothpaste and cold water to get those blood stains out_

 

Cas chuckled and thought about trying this after a good nights rest.

 

_PPS. I’m gonna be thinking about you in the shower, I hope you don’t mind…_

 

Cas tilted his head in confusion. Why was Dean going to be thinking about him in the shower?

 

 


	11. Timestamp for chapter 26

**Timestamp for chapter 26**

 

Cas was starting to realize something new about himself. As his stolen grace slowly diminished, he was starting to perceive time differently than before. Once “waiting for something” was nothing unusual for the angel. He could wait for ages without ever noticing the time, never experiencing boredom, never feeling restless.

 

Now the clock in his room was starting to mock him. The last time he had looked at the time it showed him that it was 6 pm. He checked his messages for an answer from Dean again. Still nothing. When he looked back at the clock it was 5:59 pm.

 

Cas narrowed his eyes at the clock. Time was going agonizingly slow since he had started waiting for Dean’s reply. “This is ridiculous.” The clock was just making fun of him now, it continued to break every rule of space and time. The seconds hand was clearly running slower than a second. Cas checked his messages again. No new mails. The clock on his laptop stated it was 5:58 pm.

 

Cas threw his copy of Slaughterhouse 5 against the ugly clock on the wall. He felt slightly better when it came crashing down on the floor.  

 

Dean’s last reply was two days ago. He wondered if something had happened. Or maybe his last letter from “Steve” was too much? Maybe Dean didn’t want to talk to Steve anymore…?

 

These thoughts weren’t getting him anywhere. He had to know what Dean was doing – if he was okay.

 

He had to call him. It was a few rings before he heard the click of someone answering the phone.

 

_Cas?_

_Hello Dean. How are you?_

_Doing good man, doing good. Sam’s out doing a beer run and I’m cooking up some burgers, doing a Game of Thrones night, you know actual normal stuff. Been awhile since we’ve been able to do that. What have you been up to? How’s the mission?_

_That’s what I wanted to talk to you about… I'm still waiting for Hannah to resume my mission. I can't wait to finish it although… I'm afraid even if I get every rogue angels who prefers to stay on earth – at the end there's still one rogue angel left. Me. I don't know how happy Hannah is going to be if when I tell her I want to stay on earth. I just can't go back. It's not my home anymore._

_Come on, Cas. You’ve been rogue this whole time, you’re not some cookie cutter angel like Hannah, you’re on of us._

_I don’t know what a cookie cutter angel is but I know what you mean. It still makes me a hypocrite going after these angels who want to stay just because they like it here or because they found something special – like I did._

_Well if you ask me that’s the problem with your mission in the first place. What’s the point in dragging these guys back if they’re happy here? It’s not like Heaven’s all it’s cracked up to be._

_Heaven won’t allow angels to stay on earth because they still have their powers and could potentially do harm. I have done so much wrong… I thought I could at least do this mission and make something right for a change. I don’t think the others will force me to come back though._

_Yeah well they better not even think about it, I’ve pretty much had it with those dicks with wings messing around in our lives. Haven't you? Don’t you just want to… I dunno get away from all the politics and the meddling and the bullshit?_

_Yes, but I have to finish this one thing up. For my sake. Otherwise I.. I don’t know… I can’t stop feeling responsible. Maybe I can retire after that._

_Oh retire, huh? What, you gonna go down to sunny ol’ Florida, settle down there? Make sure to invite me to your beach house sometime._

_Nice thought but Kansas would be so far away... I miss my wings. It only took one beat of my wings to get to you. Now I have to drive with a car and it takes ages..._

_Hey, I’m a fan of road trips… but I get what you mean. Speaking of beaches though, I was thinking it’s about time for a beach day. You know, I can't remember ever really going to the beach. Man, I don't even own a pair of shorts. We can wait for you to get back, you look like you could use a day of sand, sun, and fun, am I right?_

_Yes, you’re right. I think I would enjoy this very much. I went running today because I was so bored with waiting. My whole body hurts now but it was still very… freeing. I imagine a day on the beach could do the same for me._

_Running, you too? I’ll never understand how people like Sam can just wake up early, strap on their short shorts and just… run. No thanks. So uh… you’re feeling better then?_

_I want to stay in shape. Can’t rely on that grace forever and maybe it will give me a bit more time. I feel okay. A bit tense maybe and… I… miss you… I mean Sam and you. You both. So are you planning to go back to hunting?_

_Actually, Sam and I have been talking about it and we think it might be time for me to start hunting soon. Been keeping my ears open for cases, just to see if anything pops up. And uh... you know we miss you too, buddy. We worry about you, I worry about you._

_Dean… I worry about you too. I just wish I could be there._

_Yeah, me too. Well, we got a spot on the couch waiting for you, if you ever wanna join. Hey, Sam should be back soon, and these burgers are smelling delicious. I'm gonna have to let you go. Take care of yourself, okay?_

_I will… and thanks Dean. Say hello to Sam for me._

_Yeah of course... later, Cas._

 

Cas shut his phone and stared at it. He didn’t understand why his heart always hurt so much when he spoke to Dean. With a sigh he collected his Slaughterhouse 5 copy from the floor, brushed some dirt off of it and went back to the bed. He stopped half way, tilting his head. He didn’t want to waste anymore time with waiting. He had to get back to the portal and persuade Hannah to finish their hunt for the unaccounted angels.

  
He had better things to do with the rest of life. And he really wanted to go to that beach with Dean. 


	12. Timestamp for chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Timestamp for chapter 27 (Can be read after chapter)

As he walked to his room he thought about the message he just sent to Steve. This was moving way faster than he expected. Okay so it’s been a couple of weeks, but he’s never even met the guy, and it’s possible he never will. And yet he couldn't get rid of the goofy grin on his face. He lay back on the bed staring up at the ceiling, thinking about what it would be like to meet Steve. Would they be awkward with each other, shyly dancing around each other until someone makes the first move? Or would they go straight into jumping on each other, acting out all the fantasies they’ve been having of that moment?

As sudden as it was sobering, a thought crossed Dean’s mind that made his heart pang and his stomach feel like it had been turned inside out. Where was this going? What did he expect would happen? They would just be sexting buddies forever? That they would meet and have sex and… what? That’s it? That somehow they could have.. something else?

There was no way. He couldn’t drag Steve into the shit that was his life. And he couldn’t… he couldn’t… come out.

“Fuck.” There was no way he could admit to Sam that he wanted to be with a guy. Not after all the gay jokes over the years. Not now when he didn't even know what was going on with his life, much less his sexuality. “One problem at a goddamn time,” he reminded himself, pinching the bridge of his nose with exasperation.

He still had the Mark of Cain to deal with, if there was anything he could do about it at all.. or if he was just going to end up a demon again, forcing Sam to eventually have to put him down in order to stop him. If he could.

“Ugggghhhh,” He rolled over and planted his face into a pillow. Life was never going to get easier for them. This thing he had with Steve, it wasn’t real. This _vacation_ he was talking with Sam… it wasn't their life. Restaurants, movies, fishing, hanging around drinking beer without bringing up anything that could potentially start an argument… they knew what this was. And they knew it wouldn't last long. He was already looking into new cases, hoping that one would catch Sam’s interest and they could get back to their real lives.

He wondered what Cas would do after his mission with Hannah. He was always on one mission or another, whether it was a good idea or not. Could Dean convince him to stay at the bunker with them? Did he want him to? It had been so easy to ignore his feelings for Cas with him gone but it was becoming more difficult with Steve constantly bringing him up. Couldn't Steve just let it go? Was it that he didn't really want Dean the same way so he kept pushing him towards Cas as a way to get rid of him? That was crazy. But then again, Dean was his second choice. His _friend_ , whoever that was, was his first choice. Who he would really be with, if he could.

Lifting his face from pillow, he squinted at the nightstand where he left his phone. He grabbed it and scrolled through his contact list until he got to Cas. He debated calling him. The last conversation they had wasn't so bad. Less strained than usual. He really should make Cas feel more welcome around here, maybe then he’d actually come around.

He almost put his phone back down, then thought against it. “Fuck it, just call the guy.” He dialed Cas’s number and waited for him to answer on the other line.

_Dean?_

__

_Hey, Cas._

__

_It's so good to hear your voice._

__

_Yeah, same here. I didn’t wake you did I?_

__

_No. I'm standing on a road in the middle of nowhere waiting for a tow truck. My car broke down._

__

_Damn, tough luck. I should really teach you how to fix up cars. It’ll be useful, especially with that hunk of junk you're driving around._

__

_That's a good idea. So far I'm enjoying a nice night out hoping the tow truck will show up soon so I can get it fixed._

__

_Shit, wish I could help you out with that. I could probably fix it up if I was there. Do you uh… do you have the money to pay for that? I don’t know what you guys are doing for money while you’re out there but uh, you let me know if you need any help or anything._

__

_Dean, my grace is still enough to produce all the money I need. But thank you..._

__

_Sounds a lot better than credit card scams. Where’s your uh...angel girlfriend?_

__

_She's not my girlfriend, Dean. She is still in Heaven and I'm on my way... Or I was on my way to the portal. I'm tired of waiting. I want this mission to be over_

__

_You and me both, buddy. So what, she not your type?_

__

_No, definitely not... Why are you asking?_

__

_No reason, just curious. Anyways, been hanging out with Sam… we were talking about having a room here at the bunker for you, if you decide to come stay with us after your mission._

__

_I... I don't know what to say... I would like that very much._

__

_Yeah don’t worry about it. We want you around. I… I really want you around._

__

_I... I want that, too... Wait a second... I think the truck is coming..._

__

_Yeah okay, I’ll let you go. Let me know if you need anything…._

__

_Is it okay if I call you as soon as I'm back? I missed talking to you._

__

_Of course… you can call me anytime, Cas._

__

_Okay, good night, Dean_

__

_Night._

He hung up and put the phone back down on the nightstand. That wasn't too bad. He was starting to realize that he really did like talking to Cas. And he missed being around him. But that didn't mean anything. It didn’t. Even if he at one point thought he could have had feelings for Cas... _forget about it_. He needed to get Cas out of his head.

He tried to picture Steve. Dean knew what he looked like from behind... and he kind of had an idea of what his face might look like. He thought about what it would be like to have Steve in the bed with him. He rolled over again and shuffled out of his pants, then pulled off his shirt, discarding both of them on the floor next to him. He closed his eyes and imagining Steve draped over him, running his fingers over Dean’s chest, scratching lightly over his stomach and teasing him over his boxers. His hands following along with his imagination.

He groaned, imagining thick kissable lips teasing a hot trail down his neck and chest. He reached one hand down into his boxers and grasped himself firmly, using his thumb to glide over the sensitive areas of his head causing a slight shiver to run through his body. “Steve,” he moaned picturing himself running his hands through the messy brown hair and grasping lightly, pulling him closer so that Dean could run his tongue over the plump lips and feel Steve’s stubble against his skin.

He was panting heavily, his eyes squeezed shut as he increased his speed, picturing himself rutting against Steve, feeling his hardness against him. “Fuuuck,” he whined breathlessly, feeling his release approaching. He imagined Steve moaning in time with him in a deep rumbling voice, both of them getting so close, their bodies coated with sweat.

With a shout Dean came, his heart beating wildly as he lay there bonelessly, trying to regain his breath. His fantasies swimming behind his eyes until suddenly his eyes popped open in shock. His heart felt like it had dropped into a cold pit in his stomach when he realized that  the last thing he imagined, Steve’s eyes, the deep blue eyes that had stared back at him… were Cas’s eyes. The eyes, the hair, the lips, the voice…. he had been imagining Cas the whole time.

  
Dean’s head fell back on the pillow, his mind reeling with the new realization. “ _Son of a bitch_.”

 

 


	13. Timestamp for chapter 28

**Timestamp for chapter 28**

 

There weren’t many people who prayed to Cas since he wasn’t as well known as other angels. He heard Dean’s prayer often, even when Dean wasn’t aware that he was praying to him. Another thing the hunter wasn't aware of was that Cas could also feel longing from people when it was directed to towards him. It felt like a pull, like a distinctive feeling of the human’s need to have Cas at their side. It helped Cas locate those humans and fly to them. He never told Dean how often he felt Dean’s longing because he was sure that Dean wasn’t even aware that he was feeling it. Cas was certain that talking about it with the hunter would have just made him uncomfortable.

 

Cas wasn't prepared for the level of need emanating from Dean that hit him as soon as he sat down next to the truck driver who was hustling his broken down car to the next town. He barely suppressed a moan and had to close his eyes for a moment while taking a deep breath.

 

“You okay?” The truck driver asked, concerned.

 

Cas gave him a curt nod. He was grateful that his trenchcoat covered so much of his body. He wondered what could have triggered such a massive reaction from Dean. They had just shared a wonderful phone call and Dean couldn’t… His thoughts stopped right there. Dean was thinking of him in a sexual way… Cas bit his lip and his heartbeat quickened. His body felt so hot that he thought he would melt on the spot. He wished he was in his hotel room once again so he could fully appreciate the feelings he was receiving from Dean. But he had to suppress this urge… He was sure the truck driver would mind Cas touching himself while he was sitting right next to him.

 

…. :::: :::: ….

 

Being back in Heaven and persuading Hannah to return with him to finish the mission had lasted two agonizingly slow days. He knew that she was managing a lot of angel affairs lately and in his opinion no other angel was better suited for the job. He would have asked another angel to accompany him but he was painfully aware of his current status in Heaven. The other angels looked at him with wariness and he couldn’t even blame them.

 

The first thing Cas did as soon as they made it to a motel room somewhere in Iowa was check his messages. Two days without internet was three days too many in his opinion. He was hoping that Dean had finally written back to him. He was still anxious that he had written something wrong in his last letter and Dean wouldn't answer “Steve” anymore. He had asked Hannah if she could get him something to eat because the drive had tired him out and she was happy to comply. Hannah was a kind angel, always worried about Cas, and he felt a little guilty about the half lie – he was tired and hungry but he just wanted to be alone so he could check his mail.

 

And he was glad he made the choice to be alone because when he finally opened the new mail from Dean the two pictures that were attached immediately caught his eye – and his heart nearly stopped. It was hard to tear his gaze away from the beautiful and sexy pictures Dean had sent him but he forced himself so he could read the message – eager to hear about what had happened in Dean’s life while he was gone.

 

His grin vanished when he read the part about himself. He sighed in defeat and looked up at the ceiling – as if the shabby motel room would give him the answers he needed. This wasn’t supposed to happen! “Steve” was becoming dangerous for him when Dean started seeing him as the easier choice. He wondered what he should do. His first instinct was to just kill “Steve” off but he instantly discarded this idea. First of all he would lose this window into Dean’s life and the remote chance that he could get Dean more open to the idea of being with Cas. Secondly – and the most important point – he didn't want to hurt Dean. Dean had lost enough people in his life and even though Steve wasn't real – He was real for Dean, and Cas wouldn’t do that to the hunter. The best way was to slowly have Steve retreat from the situation. Dean knew that Steve had someone else that he cared about. He just had to tell him that he had a chance with him now and couldn’t go down this path with Dean anymore. But he had to do it slowly, without hurting Dean’s feelings and without him breaking contact with Steve. Steve had to go back to being Dean’s friend and get him to think about Cas as the better option in his life.

 

Cas nodded to himself, confident that this plan could work, and started to compose a new message.

 

When he had finished his message he leant back in the chair and pulled his cell phone from his trench coat. Dean had told him he could call any time and he really needed to hear his voice.

 

_“What’s up, Cas?”_

_Hello Dean. I'm back from Heaven. How are you?_

_Great, I’m actually working a job._

_Oh… I hope my call doesn’t come at an inconvenient time._

_Nah, all good. Things got a little complicated but we’re taking care of it._

_You always do. It’s good to hear your voice._

_Good to hear yours. So, you staying out of trouble, everything good on the whole angel mission thing?_

_Yes, I managed to convince Hannah to finish the mission with me. It should go faster that way. I can’t wait… to come home and to see you again._

_Same here. I’ve been working on my cooking, Sam and I have been watching some Game of Thrones, I think you’ll like it, and we started setting up a room for you. So whenever you're done, you’re welcome to stay._

_Thank you, I’m counting the days at the moment. What is Game of Thrones about?_

_A bunch of different people fighting over control of one kingdom… on second thought, maybe you’ll want to stay away from that one…._

_Why?_

_I think maybe you've seen enough violence and death in your life… not gonna add to it._

_It’s true that I enjoy peaceful movies on television more than violent ones but I’m not disturbed by it. And I imagine the series has more to offer than just violence, right?_

_You mean besides the full frontal and gratuitous sex scenes? Since when do you watch tv anyways, worked your way up from Looney Toons and porn?_

_I told you I was very bored for a while and television is very educating… In a lot of ways. Anyway seems like I would enjoy watching Game of Thrones because it sounds very interesting._

_Alright, alright… we’ll marathon when you get back. You bring the popcorn we’ll bring the beer. Meanwhile, since you seem to be learning so much over there then I hope you also take the time to do some research on how amazing Magic Fingers are…. I actually miss those a bit. Not the gross recycled motel sheets, man I really don’t miss those…. but hey if you find yourself a place with Magic Fingers I highly recommend it._

_I did try those! In the last room I stayed in. You’re absolutely right. That felt amazing. I could have done that for hours. I was so glad Hannah wasn’t around at the time that I had discovered it. I think the noises I made would have been highly inappropriate._

_I bet, man Sammy hated it when we stayed at a place that had those. Always threatened to get a separate room every time we did. Ha!_

_It wouldn’t bother me…_

_Course not, you’d be in the other bed enjoying a good time while Sam would be off reading books and eating salad or whatever he does when I’m not around._

_That would take a lot of quarters..._

_Yeah well….. we’d figure something out. Anyway… you got a nice comfy bed here that nobody else has slept in or fucked in or died in so it’ll be a nice change of pace._

_I appreciate that but the main thing for me is that I’m at your side again._

_Hey, Team Free Will… can’t break that up. And ...wait hold on……… Yeah Sam ‘s back he’s telling me we gotta go so uh… talk to you later?_

_Okay Dean, be careful out there._

_Thanks, you too Cas._

 

 


	14. Timestamp for chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can be read between chapters 28 and 29

**Timestamp for chapter 29**

 

“I’m going out” Dean said gruffly as he grabbed his jacket and made his way to the door.

 

“Where to?” Sam was laying on the couch, popping his head out of a book he was engrossed in as he looked up at Dean curiously.

 

“Out.” Dean fixed his collar and looked up to see Sam giving him that bitchface he was so fond of. “I dunno, a bar, maybe grab some drinks. That okay with you?”

 

“I’ll come with” He folded his book shut and swung his feet to the ground.

 

“Nah, don’t worry about it. Just gonna be out there for a bit, kind of want some time to myself.”

 

Sam stared at him suspiciously but then just shrugged his shoulder and lay back on the couch, opening his book to the page he left off on, “Alright, have fun.”

 

“See ya, Sammy.”

 

The bar was small and cozy, he grabbed a stool and ordered a beer. Almost immediately some hot blonde sat in the spot next to him, eyeing him with obvious interest. “Hey there, what’s a guy like you doing here all by yourself?”

 

Dean scoffed and shook his head, taking a sip of the beer that was placed in front of him before responding, “Not tonight sweetheart, just here to have a couple of beers and head back home.”

 

“Oh yeah? I wouldn't mind getting out of here after a few drinks myself,” she twirled her hair with her fingers and moved her body closer to Dean, leaning over so he could easily look down into her shirt.

 

Dean’s eyes moved from her low cut top to her face and then back to his beer. Taking another sip he curtly replied, “Alone,” in a clearly dismissive tone.

 

“Asshole” She stalked off angrily and Dean shrugged. Not his fucking problem.

 

He played with the label of his beer as he replayed Steve’s message in his head. He felt like he was getting conflicting signals here…. Steve was obviously into him. He didn’t seem like the type to just get his kicks from riling a guy up and playing with his emotions. He was sincere enough, and even though Dean knew nothing real about the guy, he felt like he already knew him well enough through all their back and forth messages. Even if he didn’t know what Steve looked like, he didn’t really care. Yeah he’d been pretty superficial in the past, way too superficial in his opinion, but he didn't give a rats ass what Steve looked like… He was just into him.

 

Unfortunately, not knowing what Steve looked like was beginning to lead to some awkward moments. The Cas thing, he was hoping to avoid that entirely but… Confronting how he felt about Cas was always weird for him. It didn’t have to mean anything. He was trying to imagine Steve, and yeah Steve and Cas seemed to share a lot of features. The hair, the eyes, similar body type… of course he was going to picture someone he knew that matched the description. It didn’t have to mean anything.

 

And how was he not supposed to have Cas subconsciously come up when Steve was always trying to push him towards Cas? _What was that about?_ He knew he was second choice, he knew that. He knew Steve couldn't be with the guy he wanted to be with and he was settling for Dean. He probably thought Dean was doing the same thing. But if they both felt the same way about each other then did it matter?

 

“Would you like another beer or do you just want an empty bottle to peel the label off of?” Dean was pulled out of his thoughts by the bartender, a good looking guy probably in his late 20’s with tattooed arms and short wavy hair.

 

“Yeah I’ll uh take another one,” Dean said sheepishly, looking down at the tiny ripped pieces of paper in front of him.

 

The bartender grabbed his empty beer bottle and replaced it with a full one, sweeping off the mess and giving Dean a wink, “It’s alright, I’ve got anxiety too. Always gotta be doing something with my hands, you know?” He flashed a friendly smile, then walked off and left Dean, who promptly looked down at his beer shyly.

 

Was the bartender flirting with him? He didn’t even know. He felt nervous and all this stuff with Steve kept rolling around in his head, how to feel about Steve’s message, how he was going to respond to it, and then the hunt and Kate, the whole thing with Sam, the Mark of Cain, all of it and he wanted to talk to someone but he wasn't sure who. He wished he could talk to Steve but there wasn't much he could reveal about his life and anyway there was no way to call him so he couldn't talk to Steve.… But he could talk to Cas. That wasn’t normally his first instinct but lately he and Cas had been getting along pretty well. And he had talked to his brother enough over the last few days.

 

He took some cash out of his wallet, leaving the bartender a pretty good tip, and finished up his beer before heading out to his car. As soon as he got inside he pulled out his phone and called Cas.

 

_Hello, Dean._

_Cas, hey!_

_Everything alright with you?_

_Yeah, just wanted to talk. Is it a good time?_

_Of course, even if it weren't I would make time for you._

_Heh, that's uh.... pretty sweet, Cas. What are you up to?_

_I'm sitting outside of the motel on the hood of my car and I'm watching the night sky... I was just thinking about you when you called._

_Yeah? That uh...That actually sounds really cool, wish I could join. ...used to love doing that. There's something really relaxing about just hanging out and looking up at the stars._

_I wish you could be here, too. That would make this night perfect. What are you doing?_

_Was at a bar, felt like having a couple of beers alone but now I'm feeling kinda... I dunno, lonely. Figured I'd give you a call. Kinda wanted to talk to you about some stuff._

_I'm glad you called me and I really wish I could be there with you... What did you want to talk about?_

_Do you think you can come back from... I dunno, do you think I can come back from the stuff I did when I was, you know... demon me? The stuff I did, the stuff I put you guys through?_

_Dean, the fact alone that you’re asking yourself this question proves that you are indeed back from being a demon. I can't speak for Sam but you haven't put me through anything I wasn't willing to give freely. I would do anything for you, you know that, right? Has your brother said anything that would make you think otherwise?_

_Nah, we actually talked about it... I apologized for, you know. .. some of the stuff I did. God, it's embarrassing. I just, I'm not sure if I ever thanked you properly. Man, you really saved my ass. Both of our asses really._

_You don’t have to thank me, Dean. When Metatron told me that he had killed you… I was... I don’t know… I thought my world had ended… So I’m grateful that I got the chance to help you. Even if it was Crowley who had to save my life before that... I’m glad though because I couldn’t have been there for you otherwise… I was very close to death at the time._

_Shit, Cas... do you know how scary that sounds? I just wish I could do something, I really don't want to lose you._

_Hey, you told me that no one can break up Team Free Will, right? I want to believe that. We always find a way… and I can be very stubborn when I want something. And right now I want nothing more than to be at your side again, Dean. I miss you._

_You know what… I uh… I really miss you too. Can’t wait for you to come back around…._

_Me too. It’s strange but I never realized how boring other angels could be… I apologize for my lack of fun in my early days. I think I’ve learned a lot in the past few years. I’m certainly thankful for the new perspective I’ve been granted._

_You? Boring? Nah… I mean, I’m glad you pulled the stick out of your ass but you’ve always been alright._

_There was never a stick in…_

_Figure of speech Cas!_

_I know, Dean. I was making a joke. I told you I’ve learned a few new things…_

_Oh so you’re a funny guy now? Ha! Alright bring it on Groucho._

_I’l try, but I will never grow a mustache like that… that would look rather ridiculous on me, right?_

_Ha! I dunno you could probably pull it off, we’ll get you the eyebrows and cigar too. Oh man, that’s hilarious… I’m actually picturing you with the whole getup now. You know what though, you look fine the way you are… don’t worry about it._

_This may be an odd question… you don’t have to answer it if you can’t but… do you think the body I’m in... is attractive?_

_Wow, uh...heh. That’s a… well that’s kind of an interesting...ummm. I’m not really into… I mean kind of.. that doesn’t matter. Uh, I mean...yeah. Ok, yeah. I mean you’re a good looking guy… well the vessel you’re in...I don’t know what you really look like… I mean, it would like melt my eyeballs and uh…_

_I don’t think of my body as a vessel anymore. It’s been part of me for such a long time and since Jimmy is gone… it’s my body now… And I’m more human than angel at the moment so I consider this body as my true form now… It’s strange but I never thought about things like that before but lately… it’s become more important to me... what you think about me._

_Yeah that makes sense, I mean…yeah of course that’s your body and it’s uh… If it’s that important to you… Yeah, yeah you’re an attractive guy, Cas. So uh… yeah, there you go…._

_Thank you, Dean… you… erm… are very attractive, too… Erm… sorry I don’t want to make you uncomfortable…_

_No uh, It’s ok…. thanks? Are you ok, Cas… something going on?_

_I’m fine… I’m just… I don’t know… I feel lonely and I miss you. I guess watching the stars alone... can make you feel that way._

_Ugh, alright… Hold on a sec okay?_

_…_

_Alright, I’m outside… I’m sitting on baby’s trunk and looking up at the stars with you. Feel a little less lonely?_

_Yes, that helps a lot, Dean. Thank you. Can you see the moon?_

_Yeah, full moon. Kinda nice… when you’re not out hunting werewolves._

_Ha. Yes… you’re right… it’s nice… It somehow feels like we’re not that far away from each other when we can see the same thing in the night sky._

_Well… Next time you’re feeling lonely just call me up and we can do this. It’s actually not too bad._

_I will. Thank you, Dean. I think I should go to bed now. I have a long drive ahead of me tomorrow._

_I should get going too, before Sammy starts getting all worried. Night, Cas._

_Good night, Dean._

 

 


	15. Timestamp for chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can be read after chapter 31

**Timestamp for chapter 31**

  


Dean sent the message and stared at his laptop numbly. Did he have any right to feel bad? No. He really didn’t. It’s not exactly like Steve led him on, he had been upfront about his feelings for his friend since the beginning. It didn't stop the rage from boiling up and replacing the sadness he initially had when reading and then re-reading Steve's message until the words no longer made sense and his eyes stung with tears. He tried to be supportive, a good friend. But now he was just pissed.

 

He slammed his laptop shut, causing Sam to jump from his spot on the couch, the book in his lap falling onto the floor with a loud thud. “Woah, you ok?”

 

“Nope,” Dean replied bruskly, grabbing his whiskey bottle from a nearby shelf and taking a drink straight from the bottle.

 

"You wanna calm down there Hemingway? Maybe tell me what's going on?"

 

"No thanks, Mr. Daniels and I are gonna have a little fun time in my room. Don't bother coming around Sammy, three's a crowd." He didn't give Sam a chance to reply or give him a judgemental look; he just headed straight to his room and cranked up his radio, taking another long drink as Metallica blared through the speakers.

 

With all his surfacing anger, Dean had energy pumping through him that he didn't know how to get rid of without killing something. Singing loudly along with Master of Puppets Dean walked around the room, playing air drums while destroying anything that dared to be in his way. He switched to air guitar for Ride the Lightning, jumping on top of his bed and kicking off the blankets, sheets and pillows. He grabbed his whiskey bottle and used it as a microphone for the next song:

 

__♫_ I never opened myself this way_

_Life is ours, we live it our way_

_All these words I don't just say_

_And nothing else matters._

_Trust I seek and I find in you_

_Everyday for us is something new_

_Open mind for a different view_

_And nothing else matters _♫__

 

Another long swig of whiskey and Dean couldn’t keep himself from punching the wall hard enough to dent it. “Fuck! Damn it!” He forgot he wasn't in a crappy motel anymore. His fist was no match for the bunker’s wall.

 

He knew he was going to regret that in the morning as he nursed his throbbing knuckles, knowing the pain would be much more intense once there wasn't any alcohol to numb it. Another sip and he walked over to the radio, pulling out the Metallica tape and replacing it with something he had been hiding from Sam for years. Chris Isaak came on and Dean raised the volume, not even caring if Sam heard. He had made the mixtape sometime after he had broken things off with Cassie, and when things got dark he brought it out, though never in front of Sam. But he didn’t care now.

 

__♫_ What a wicked game you play to make me feel this way_

_What a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you _♫__

 

He stumbled back to the bare bed, continuing to sing and drink. Bitterly he thought about his polite reply to Steve. _Sure Steve, break my goddamn heart, why don’t you? Yeah, no problem Steve I don’t just open my heart to anybody but it’s fine to stomp all over it I don’t care. Of course Steve, I totally think you should be with the guy you're absolutely in love with and leave me here to deal with my stupid feelings by myself, no I’m totally fine with it. So. Fucking. Fine._

 

Slowly the anger ebbed away and was replaced, once again with a despair so deep he didn't even think he could handle it. Again, he wasn’t good enough. He never was. Nobody would ever want him when they knew how broken he was. Steve made the right choice, all Dean did was bring around pain and destruction, everywhere he went. It was better this way.

 

The first few notes for the next song, Celine Dion of all things, started playing and Dean couldn't take it. He was pathetic. This was pathetic. He pulled out his cell phone and, before he could convince himself not to do it, he clicked Cas’s speed dial. Even though Cas always answered, Dean just assumed he would be ignored tonight. _Why not? Everybody’s gonna disappoint me tonight._ He sang along loudly, volume in his voice raising with every ring as he braced himself for Cas’s stupid voicemail.

 

_♫ Allll byyy myyyyseeeeelf, don’t wanna beeee… ♫_

_Dean?_

_Caaaaaas_

_Hello Dean… How are you…?_

_Fine now, might have a broken hand… man that would suck, you know how sad that would be? Broken hand, over something stupid. It's probably fine though, hurts a bit but not as much as it would have if I wasn’t shitfaced right now…_

_… What happened?_

_I punched a wall, no big deal… it’s fine, really. Umm… how are you doing? Am I bothering you?_

_Of course not, Dean. I’m always happy to talk to you, you should know that by now. I’m okay… other than the fact that I miss you... I wish I could just “pop” over and heal your hand._

_Yeah that would actually be really convenient… but you can’t._

_Dean… I…_

_♫ When I was young, I never needed anyone, making love was just for fun, those days are gone... ♫_

_Are you going to sing the whole song to me?_

_What, you don’t like my singing? I’m fucking awesome._

_You are… and no I like your singing. I always enjoyed it when you did, the few times when I was in the backseat of the Impala with you and you sang along with your tapes_

_That’s uh.. that’s nice, Cas. A goddamn lie if I ever heard one, but nice..._

_It’s not a lie, Dean. You don’t always sing in tune but you're always smiling and happy when you sing. I think that’s the reason why I enjoyed it so much._

_I just… Celine Dion, I can't believe I’m singing along to Celine fucking Dion but….I just, I’m not young anymore, you know. I’m.. there’s things I want that I didn't think I could ever have…. you know what I mean?_

_… I think I know exactly what you mean… Dean… if there is something you want and it would make you happy, isn’t that worth fighting for?_

_I mean, I'm starting to think you’re right about that Cas, but… I don't know, it’s not really that easy, you know?_

_I heard once that all good things, the things that are really worth it are not easy to get. But that doesn’t mean you should give up on them, right? I’m sure you would be happy if you allowed yourself this one thing that you want… I really wish... I could be there with you now. I am glad that I can at least talk to you over the phone even if it's only a poor substitute for really standing in front of you. I’m getting restless here… I’m sorry, I shouldn’t complain because you’ve obviously had a bad day and… I just want you to know… that I… I just want to be with you._

_I wish you could be here too. I was having a bad day actually, pretty damn bad, but I feel better talking to you. I’m just… I can’t talk about this. I mean, what if…. what if it all goes wrong? What if I ruin everything? I’m sorry, I don't even know what I’m talking about. You must think I sound crazy._

_No, I don’t think that, Dean. I’m glad that you feel a bit better now and I wish I could do something to help you. You know… you could also ask yourself, what if you don’t ruin everything? What if everything goes well? What do you have to lose?_

_Nothing… everything… I don’t know. I mean, I guess I never really considered things going right… gotta be prepared for the worst sometimes… But man, I’m so tired of things going wrong, It would be so nice for them to go right sometime…_

_I hope they will. I want you to be happy._

_Thanks, you know I want the same for you, right? That’s uh… actually really important to me._

_That will be easy. I’ll be happy as soon as I’m finally able to return to you..._

_Oh hey wait, sorry I don’t mean to cut you off but I really like this song…_

_♫ Hey Jude, don't make it bad_

_Take a sad song and make it better_

_Remember to let her into your heart_

_Then you can start to make it better_

_Hey Jude, don't be afraid_

_You were made to go out and get her_

_The minute you let her under your skin_

_Then you begin to make it better ♫_

_...That was beautiful, Dean. This song is special to you... Am I right?_

_You have no idea, it was my moms favorite Beatles song… instead of a lullaby, she sang that song to me as a kid. That’s how cool she was, you know?_

_It's like all the love you have for her is in this song when you sing it... I which I could sing..._

_I can’t sing either, doesn’t matter what you sound like it’s what you feel like when you sing it.That song, yeah it brings up a lot of memories and uh… it’s got a good message, one I should have been hearing..._

_Maybe the message is the answer to your problem... And not being afraid of change is always a good thing. Dean...?_

_Yeah, Cas?_

_My phone is making strange beeping noises..._

_It’s running out of battery, you goof…._

_Oh, of course. I always forget to recharge it... I never had to before._

_Yeah, part of the tediousness of being human. Speaking of… I’m drunk, like… really drunk. I might need to sleep this off. And if Sam isn’t pissed at me, he might even let me sleep through my hangover too…_

_I’ll let you sleep then. And Dean? If you need anything just call me, okay?_

_Definitely. Thanks Cas, you uh… really made my night better._

_I'm glad I could help. Good night, Dean. Sleep well._

_You too…._

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs mentioned in this chapter:  
> Master of Puppets - Metallica  
> Ride the Lightning - Metallica  
> Nothing Else Matters - Metallica  
> Wicked Game - Chris Isaak  
> All by Myself- Celine Dion  
> Hey Jude - The Beatles


	16. Timestamp for chapter 32

**Timestamp for chapter 32**

 

Cas woke up with a splitting headache and he deserved it. He still felt guilty that he had hurt Dean. He couldn't understand why this was happening. All of this had started with good intentions, he just wanted to help Dean, to talk to him... but now everything had changed.

 

Cas didn’t know when it had happened, when this all had become so messy and difficult…

 

… Just that there was this loud voice in his head screaming: “You know why!”

 

He had been allowing himself to get selfish with this. To enjoy the forbidden fruit that had been given to him through this opportunity, to bask in the lust and want that was meant for someone else. Cas groaned, he couldn’t believe that his hangover from the day before had lasted up until now… but again, he felt like he really deserved this pain.

 

On the other hand he was glad that he had invented Steve. He had given him the opportunity to look into Dean’s life and to get Dean to open up and to talk about his problems…. And on a very selfish note – because that was apparently all Cas cared about nowadays – Cas could nudge Dean in a direction to open up to the idea of them being together.

 

Cas felt very contradicted about his last phone call with Dean. On one hand it had physically hurt his heart when Dean had told him that he had injured himself and that he had to drink so much alcohol to cope with this emotions. Cas knew it was all his fault. On the other hand Dean had opened himself up, he had sang to him and he told him that he felt much better after speaking with Cas.

 

Cas had the feeling that since they had started their letter exchange, Dean had been able to speak to Cas more freely and openly than before. They had been talking a lot over the last couple of days and that progress in their relationship was something Cas was very happy about.

 

He just hoped that Dean would get over Steve very quickly and he swore to himself that he would do everything he could to take Steve’s place as he went to his laptop and started to write back to Dean.

 

Shortly after Cas had finished his message Hannah came into his room, giving Cas a warm smile: “How are you feeling today?”

 

“Better, thank you. I apologize for my behavior yesterday. I didn’t feel very well.”

 

“I could see that. Is it because of Dean Winchester?”

 

Cas looked up at her in surprise: “Yes…”

 

Hannah walked up next to him and took his hand in hers. “You want to stay here after this mission?”

 

Cas nodded: “I can’t leave him.”

 

“I see. I think, it’s okay for you to stay. I just hope you will find a way to find peace within yourself.”

 

“I’m working on it,” Cas gave her a brief smile. “We shouldn’t waste more time. I’m ready to go now.”

 

 


	17. Timestamp for Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Timestamp for chapter 34: (Can read after chapters 33 and 34, but before chapter 35. It's in Dean's POV)

**Timestamp for Chapter 34**

 

It had been a weird couple of days since he sent his last message to Steve on Monday. Like, really weird. He and Sam had been on the road again, ever since his whole drunken tantrum Sam figured it was time to get out of the bunker and just do some traveling. Maybe pick up a case, not that Sam was looking for one but Dean was, constantly. When he wasn’t looking for a case he was talking to Cas. Since that drunken phone call they had been texting each other during the day and talking on the phone almost every night. If Sam noticed he didn’t say anything and never bothered Dean when he excused himself from the motel room to sit outside in the parking lot, laying back on the trunk of his car and looking up at the stars while he talked on the phone.

 

The last two days had been too busy for him to really get a chance to talk to Cas though. He had finally found a case and managed to convince Sam to check it out. And it was fucking weird. Some overly obsessive theater kids decided that Chuck’s damn Supernatural series was a good idea for a play. He had no idea what was up with kids these days. It would have been less depressing if they had just done Rent.

 

The really weird thing was watching these kids playing characters that were real for him. Playing him. It felt like he was watching his life flash before his eyes. Taking a step back and watching his life like that... All the crap, the death, the horrible things they’ve done… One thing had remained constant. The people who have stood right by him through the bad and the worst. And it made him realize a few things. He had to stop pushing Sam away, for one. Like it or not, they were in this together… just like they’ve always been. And they had agreed, afterwards, they would go back to hunting. No more forced vacation, no more bunker timeout. Being cooped up wasn't right for them. They were hunters and that’s what they would do, hunt.

 

Another thing, though, one that he couldn't get off his mind… was Cas. He had been by Dean’s side since he had rescued him from Hell. Not always in ways that Dean was aware of, but he was there. Sure, there were times when he fucked up… he fucked up _bad_. But, he always thought he was doing the right thing and Dean couldn't really fault him for that. He’d mostly forgiven him for it, actually.

 

Of course then his and Cas’s characters had to be played by an actual couple, who were… yeah alright, adorable… but there was that and the whole _Destiel_ scene and all that damn _subtext_ and at first it had really bugged him. He brought it up with Sam later, which was a bad idea, obviously, and he wouldn't shut up about it. It really made Dean wonder… what if there _was_ something between him and Cas? Would he even be able to tell Sam? Was there even anything to tell him?

 

He’d been trying to avoid it but Cas had been popping into his mind during inappropriate moments and Dean didn't know what to think about that. At first he couldn’t get Cas out of his head no matter how much he tried to fantasize about Steve. And then after the… well, the break up message - not that they were actually going out or anything -  he didn't feel comfortable trying to imagine Steve anyway. Busty Asian Beauties didn't do it for him anymore, especially not after they also kept taking on Cas’s features, which was just fucking creepy.

 

That wasn't the point though. He couldn't believe it had taken a dating site, a crush on some random dude, and a fucking high school play for him to realize how he really felt about Cas. He was tired of caring about what other people think. He was tired of always running away from the things that made him uncomfortable. He was tired of hiding from his feelings.

 

He grabbed his phone and headed outside again, ignoring the knowing look on Sam’s face as he made his way out to the parking lot and hopped up on baby before laying back and clicking Cas’s speed dial:

 

_Hello, Dean._

 

_Hey, Cas. How’s it going?_

_Fine, just taking a break from our long drive to Washington. How is it going with you and Sam? Did you find a new case?_

_Yeah, actually uh… killed Calliope, saved a kid from getting eaten… watched a play. Been a busy few days._

_The muse of eloquence and epic poetry – that couldn’t have been easy. Was it at least a good play? Usually if a muse is involved the inspired human tends to create a masterpiece._

_You know what… I remember a time when killing a demon was a big deal and I didn’t even think angels existed. Now we’re killing gods and I talk to an angel every night on the phone, ha. But uh… yeah, the play… you remember Chuck’s books, about us?_

 

_The Winchester gospels, of course. What about them?_

_That was the play. Well… ah really bastardized version with robots and aliens and uh… subtext…. but yeah it was about our story. Not terrible, actually._

_That must have been strange…. Wait… How did they fit robots and aliens into your story? And what do you mean by subtext?_

_Who knows where people get these crazy ideas. They add all this weird stuff to the story and uh… you know what, don't worry about it, it’s not important. It was weird though, watching our story up on that stage like that._

 

_I can imagine… It’s just strange… as if your life wasn’t filled with enough monsters they had to put in robots…  I remember that you told me that you met a dragon once. Dragons are more story worthy in my opinion… or angels… But I don’t know about what the audience likes. I’m neither a muse nor a critic._

_Yeah, dragons are badass. I mean so are angels, when they’re not being assholes. Some are alright, I guess. Dorky ones in trenchcoats, mostly._

_Wonder who that might be… ha._

_Yeah, yeah… Actually, you were in the play. Audience seemed to really like that character. The uh… girl that played you, she did a good job. Cute kid, she was uh.. actually dating the girl who played my character._

_Um… that’s nice... Did they include that in the play?_

_They uh… explored it… in act 2. Anyway, I kinda wanted to talk to you about something._

_... Of course, Dean._

_Watching the play, you know getting an objective view… seeing it from the outside, all that stuff… It made me realize a few things._

_… Okay?_

_Ughhh… ok bear with me here….. I uh… it made me see how important people in my life really are… I mean I knew but… I’ve just been a total asshat lately and uh… so you know me and Sam we’re square and we talked out a few things and then I’ve also been thinking.. you know I don't care what people think… and I don't care if this comes back to bite me in the ass… I mean, I do but… look. I need to be straight with you. You’re one of my best friends. Actually, probably are my best friend. But uh, I also see you as… something else, like maybe more than a friend._

_… You mean like family?_

_…….Not exactly._

_… Dean. I hope I’m understanding that correctly… you mean… you have a romantic interest in me?_

_………..Yes._

_I feel the same, Dean._

_Get the fuck out of here. Really?_

_Yes…. Yes, Dean. I..._

_Shit, you know I had a feeling…. with the phone calls and the uh… you know stargazing and all that but I wasn't sure…._

_The past few days… being able to spend so much time talking to you, it’s felt like the best week of my life. I’m sorry, I’m just… I don’t know what to say. I’d never dared to hope… And now… what… I mean, what should we…_

_You got me there. I don’t even know.. I mean this is kind of new to me.. the uh... guy thing, angel thing… I mean, I’m not trying to say anything but… how would… the whole angel human thing work? I’m sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself._

_Dean… I told you before that I want to stay on earth. I know I said it was because I didn't feel like an angel anymore, and part of it was true, but that wasn't the main reason why I didn't want to return to Heaven. I want to stay with you instead of going off on these missions for Heaven. If that is one of your concerns – that I will have to go back at some point – it shouldn’t be_

_Damn, Cas. I mean, I don't know what to say. You know, talking to you on the phone every night, it made me realize I did kind of miss having you around… ok I missed you a lot, and I can't wait for you to get back here._

_Me neither. At the moment I’m hating the fact that I don’t have my wings anymore because it physically hurts me that I can't just fly over to you. I want to see you and I’m actually feelings so frustrated right now that I might have to borrow one of your more creative curse words._

_Feel free, I got plenty._

_Fuck shitting asshat situation!_

_That’s… not where I would have gone with that but uh… nice job, Cas._

_I still have a lot to learn. I’m looking forward to you teaching me._

_Yeah… well, there’s a lot I can teach you.. I mean… god this is weird._

_Um… I apologize… I just realized how that sounded… I don’t want to make you uncomfortable._

_No, no.. that was… alright. I mean, I just don’t know… nothing’s changed right? I don't know why I’m being so weird about this. I guess I just never expected to say that out loud… that I uh.. I like you. Wow, now I feel like I’m back in middle school or something, fuck I’m actually nervous._

_Me, too. I feel very strange. My heart is racing and I can’t seem to control it… And to be honest… I’m afraid I will say or do something wrong. I don’t have any experience with all of this…. I just know I want to be with you..._

_Hey, there’s nothing to do wrong. Just be yourself... I mean that’s worked out alright so far, right? Like I said, nothing’s really gonna change. We’ll just figure it out from there._

_Okay… Dean?_

_Yeah?_

_Does that mean… that we are “dating” now?_

_Did you just do air quotes with your fingers, Cas?_

_How did you know, you can’t see me….? And I wasn’t sure about the term..._

_I know you, dork. And uh… shit I don’t know. I mean, I guess. I don’t see why not. But... can we just not tell Sam about this? At least not yet? I’m not really ready to have that talk with him yet._

_Of course, Dean… I...hmmm… I can’t stop smiling,..._

_Yeah well pack it in Bert, ‘cause Ernie’s gotta get some sleep._

_Okay. I’ll be thinking of you… I hope we can talk again soon._

_Yeah same here. It’s been a really good talk._

_Yes. I’m very happy now._

_You have no idea how it feels to get all that off my chest. So uh… call you tomorrow? Or you know, text me… if you want._

_I will. Good night, Dean. Sleep well._

_Night, Cas._

 

 


	18. Timestamp for Chapter 35

**Timestamp for Chapter 35**

**  
**  


**10\. Sept. 05:34 pm**  

Cas: Hello Dean, sending you this picture from lake Cle Elum! Looks nice, right?

**< attached image>**

** **

 

**10\. Sept. 05:36 pm**

Cas: I wish you could be here right now.

**10\. Sept. 05:40 pm**

Dean: Damn, nice view! The lake and mountains look good too. Wish I could be there instead of this motel room.

**10\. Sept. 05:45 pm**

Cas: I have to go back to the motel room, too. Still haven’t found the angel we’re looking for and we can’t look for him when it’s dark. What are you doing at the moment?

**10\. Sept. 05:47 pm**

Dean: Playing the waiting game, looking for a case. Sam was thinking of heading out to a diner for some food.

**10\. Sept. 05:48 pm**

Cas: Reminds me that I should eat something, too. It’s very unpleasant to be hungry.

In which state are you at the moment?

**10\. Sept. 05:49 pm**

Cas: Oh and say hi to Sam for me, please! :-)

**10\. Sept. 05:55 pm**

Dean: West Virginia. Thought we had a case, a haunting, but it turned out to be old Mr. Jenkins in a scary mask and some special effects, and he would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for us pesky hunters.

**10\. Sept. 05:57 pm**

Cas: You’re over 2500 miles away from me. Strange how far away that suddenly is without wings… What I’m trying to say is… I miss you.

**10\. Sept. 6:10 pm**

Dean: Hey that’s not too bad, if I drive 100 mph I can be there in a little over a day!

**10\. Sept. 6:10 pm**

Dean: Just kidding, by the way. Miss you too. We’re here at the diner, food blows. Kinda miss having my own kitchen.

**10\. Sept. 06:12 pm**

Cas: We can make it in half the time if we meet in the middle… Motivating thought…

**10\. Sept. 06:12 pm**

Cas: I’m at my car now and I try not to text while I drive. I’ll tell you when I’m back in the motel, okay? Maybe I could call you later, if you have time?

**10\. Sept. 06:13 pm**

Cas: I miss hearing your voice.

**10\. Sept. 06:13 pm**

Cas: I’ll stop texting now.

**10\. Sept. 6:14 pm**

Dean: Yeah I’m gonna eat this crappy burger and head back to the motel. Call me whenever you're free.

**10\. Sept. 7:34 pm**

Cas: Back in my motel room, now. Can I call you?

** <attached image> **

 

** **

 

 

**10\. Sept. 7:35 pm**

Dean: Keep sending me pics like that you can do whatever you want. Give me a minute, I’m going outside.

 

 

 

_Hello Dean._

__

_Cas. Looking good for somebody who’s running low on their angel juice._

__

_Thanks, Dean. Well, I am very happy at the moment. Maybe it’s reflected on my face._

__

_I know how you feel. Sam says hey, by the way. He’s uh.. kinda been giving me funny looks every time I’m on my phone…._

__

_What did you tell him you were doing?_

__

_He knows I’m on the phone with you… I kinda tried to hide it for a while, sorry… but he kept bugging me about it so I told him I was just checking up to see how you were doing._

__

_I told you, I’m okay with that. Don’t worry. Whatever makes you comfortable... Hey, your last text message was very motivating…_

__

_Motivating, you say? Interesting. And still, I feel bad. I’m not trying to hide you or anything… I’m just not ready yet. Maybe when you get back I’ll uh… I don’t know, we’ll see._

__

_Dean, please don’t worry. It’s okay. I understand that this is new and you’ll need time. All that matters to me is that I can finally be with you… And yes motivating… I wonder what other pictures I could send you to get whatever I want from you._

__

_Damn, Cas… you don’t do things half-assed, do you?_

__

_You started it. I thought I would just try… um… too much?_

__

_No…... you’re good. So what kind of pictures were you going to send me then?_

__

_What do you want to see?_

__

_How about what you're hiding under all those layers of clothes..._

**  
**  


 

 

**10\. Sept. 7:45 pm**

Cas: **< attached image>**

** **

 

 

_..Ah...Shit… Fuck.. Hold on….._

_….Sorry I dropped the phone. Did you just take that right now?_

__

_Yes. Sorry the light in my room is bad._

__

_The light in your... ? Shut up, that’s perfect. I mean… Seriously, I forgot what you looked like under all those dorky clothes. When you get back here we’re getting you a new wardrobe._

__

_New wardrobe? What do you have in mind?_

__

_Something that actually fits you, for one thing. Some t-shirts maybe. You a fan of flannel? Nah nevermind, you’ll get your own style… we’ll figure it out._

__

_What are you wearing at the moment?_

__

_Really, Cas? Really? You’re getting all your lines from porn aren’t you?_

__

_What? Um no… I was just curious… um… because we were talking about clothes..._

__

_You know, that’s actually kind of adorable. I’m a mess at this too, believe me. I’ve never felt this weird talking to you before…._

__

_I apologize. I know I’m not very good with this. There are things I want to say to you but sometimes I just don’t know how to say them._

__

_Don’t apologize, Cas. I’m uh… I’m having the same problem, really. I just don't know how to do this whole best friend to uh… boyfriend, thing….._

__

_Do you think it will be easier when we would see each other? I mean… You know what I really want to do when I finally see you again?_

__

_ummm….. what?_

__

_I want to kiss you. Would you be okay with that?_

__

_Hell yeah, I’d be ok with that. I uh… wanna do more than that…._

__

_…. Me too… …… hold on a second…… shit….. um…._

__

_Heh, you ok? You're getting better at this swearing thing, think you're spending too much time talking to me..._

__

_Yes, I'm okay. Sorry... And no, I definitely don't spend enough time talking to you._

__

_Well, we could always spend more. So what happened?_

__

_Um... Let’s just say my imagination ran wild with your last comment and I had to put my shirt back on before Hannah stumbles into me doing something inappropriate... It's very tempting since she isn't here at the moment but I don't know when she will be back._

__

_Oh getting inappropriate? Now I'm really interested. So uh... gonna let me know when you're actually alone?_

__

_She is only getting food, for some reason she really likes to buy it although she doesn't have to eat. I will be alone all night. If you want I could call you again when I'm alone and we can continue our "inappropriate" conversation. Do you have a place where you can be alone?_

__

_I’ll figure it out._

__

_Okay… I’ve never felt this nervous in my entire existence before… and I’ve laid siege to Hell… I wish I could see you… I want to kiss you and I want to touch you… ugh..._

__

_Believe me, I know exactly how you feel. Well, I’m gonna head inside…. call me later?_

__

_Yes, okay, I’ll call you as soon as I’m alone again._

__

_Ok… later, Cas._

 

 

….:::: ::::....

 

**10\. Sept. 9:54 pm**

Cas: I’m alone now. Can I call you?

 

**10\. Sept. 9:55 pm**

Dean: YES. Give me a min gotta go outside.

 

 

_Hello Dean…_

_Hey Cas…._

_It doesn’t sound like you’re outside._

_Yeah, Baby was the only place I could think of where I could be alone._

_I hope your brother didn’t notice you leaving. Might get harder to explain and I don’t want to get you into an uncomfortable situation._

_Told him I was gonna hit up the gas station for snacks and then drove around to the back of the motel. Told you I had it covered._

_Okay… Um… This is so frustrating… I’m so nervous… I don’t even know what I should say._

_I’m just as lost as you are… and normally I don’t have a problem with these kinds of things. Actually, I’m great with these kinds of things…. Sorry, I uh…. yeah, I’m just as nervous as you are…._

_Well it kind of makes me feel better. Dean…_

_Cas….?_

_This is a horrible feeling, ha. I just don’t know what to do… I couldn’t even eat anything and Hannah thought I was getting ill… I don’t know… at least I think she said that. I wasn’t really listening. I was thinking about you the whole time._

_Yeah Sam’s been calling me out for the same thing, actually. But hey, this shouldn’t feel horrible, you know? I mean, not much has changed except for uh… well we know how we feel about each other now and uh… well there’s some extra benefits to that, if you know what I mean..._

_The horrible part is just that I miss you and I have a strong feeling of…. hhmmm I don’t know how to describe it… it’s… I really want to touch you and feel you and ugh…._

_That feeling would be horny, Cas. Heh, I umm… got the same problem over here…._

_So what can we do about it?_

_Yeah, I think I can help you with that. You on your bed?_

_Yes…_

_Ok, lose the shirt and the pants, and lay back on the bed._

_Okay…….. Okay, I’m done. What are you wearing…?_

_The porn line again, Cas… really? Okay, I’ll bite this time. Black t-shirt, jeans… which I’m unbuckling right now…._

_Nnnggg… What I would give to feel your skin under my fingers... I want to touch you everywhere..._

_Shit, after that picture you sent me I’m really curious about what else you’ve been hiding from me…._

_I will show you gladly when I finally see you again. Is it okay if I put my hand in my boxers?_

_Only if you think it’s okay for me to have my hand in mine…_

_Oh yes, that’s… yes...  that’s okay..._

_Oh? So that’s okay with you, huh? What about if I started stroking myself thinking about you… and all the things I want to do with you….._

_Yes, oh Dean…. I wish that was your hand on me right now… What do you want to do with me? I mean, when we see each other again… what do you want to do with me first?_

_I think it would be fun to tease the fuck out of you. Kiss you slowly while I run my hands down your body, that perfect stomach, your hips, your ass.. Then I’d trail kisses down your neck, find all your sensitive spots… get you really worked up. You stroking yourself Cas?_

_... oh fuck, Dean…. Yes… I’m stroking myself…. Dean… I… I want to feel you…. inside of me…._

_Damn, Cas… that’s really hot… Your voice… fuck, you have no idea how hot it is to hear you say shit like that. I want to know what it sounds like to really make you moan..._

_Oh…. Dean..._

_Yeah, just like that._

_… Dean, I’m so close… I… ohhh…. Dean…._

_Hmmmm, me too…. uhhhh… Caaaas…..._

_….. Deaaaan….. oh oommmmgnn..._

_Yeah, Cas… you gonna come? Come for me, Cas…. fuuuck…._

_….DEAN……_

_...CAS…._

_Oh...oohh... phew… my… wow.._

_Heh…. wow… yeah...damn….._

_… I think I feel better now, huh…_

_I’ll say, I’ll be sleeping good tonight, that’s for sure._

_Mmmmhh me too and I hope I’ll dream of the day I finally see you again. I’m highly motivated to get there as soon as possible._

_Same here… I uh… think I need a shower now….._

_Yes, I should shower, too… Although I think I can’t move my body anymore._

_Yeah, my legs feel like jelly right now. Damn that was pretty awesome ._

_It was. Thank you, Dean._

_Pleasure was all mine. Night, Cas..._

_Good night, Dean. Sleep well._

 

 

 

He hung up the phone and dropped it onto the passenger seat next to him. His body really did feel like jelly and he couldn’t believe it was because of Cas. Out of all the weird crap that has happened in their lives, having phone sex with an angel was probably the weirdest. He started up baby and drove around to the front of the motel, his mind still reeling with thoughts of him and Cas and how much their relationship had changed and how amazing it would be when Cas finally made it back home.

 

Lost in thought he walked into the room, closing the door behind him quietly. Sam looked up from the table and gave him a strange look. “Where are the snacks?”

 

“They were out,” he replied quickly as he strode across the room.

 

“Of food?”

 

“Yup, M’gonna take a shower.” He slammed the bathroom door closed. Ignoring the suspicious looks Sam gave him. He didn’t care. Cas was the only thing on this mind at the moment.

 

 

 

 

 


	19. Timestamp for Chapter 36

**Timestamp for Chapter 36**

  
  


Cas woke up with a smile on his face. His first thought was about Dean and their phone call from last night. The last two days had been the best days of his life – he was sure of that. With a wide grin he retrieved his phone from his nightstand and typed his first text message.

  
  


**11\. Sept. 7:25 am**

Cas: Good morning, Dean. I hope you slept well

 

**11\. Sept. 7:28 am**

Dean: Slept like a baby after that phone call. Had a nice dream about you too…

 

**11\. Sept. 7:29 am**

Cas: What was is it about? :-)

 

**11\. Sept. 7:30 am**

Cas: I could still use some more hours of sleep. Would be nicer with you sleeping next to me.

<attached image>

 

**11\. Sept. 7:31 am**

Cas: I recently discovered that I’m not a “morning person”.

 

**11\. Sept. 7:33 am**

Dean: I'm basically useless without my morning coffee. Would much rather be waking up to that sexy face though.

<attached image>

 

**11\. Sept. 7:34 am**

Dean: I'll tell you about my dream later. Hint: It involves a shower and some flexibility.

 

**11\. Sept. 7:35 am**

Cas: I have to take a shower now so I’ll keep that in mind when the hot water is running down my naked body.

 

 **11\. Sept. 7:36 am**  

Cas: Thanks for your photo, good to see your face again. I miss you very much.

 

**11\. Sept. 7:37 am**

Dean: and now I'm gonna need a cold shower or else it's gonna be a really awkward car ride with Sam. Thanks. Miss you too...

 

 **11\. Sept. 7:37 am**  

Cas: You’re welcome :P

 

**11\. Sept. 8:52 am**

Dean: I never realized how much diner food sucked until now. When we get back to the bunker I'm making pancakes.

 

**11\. Sept. 8:55 am**

Cas: I want some!! Just had a very disappointing sandwich this morning before heading into the woods again. I may lose my coverage when I’m up there, just so you know.

 

**11\. Sept. 8:57 am**

Cas: I've been thinking… and I was wondering… Are you going to tell Sam about us before I come home? It’s just, I can imagine it will be really hard for me to keep my hands off you when I finally see you again and I don’t want to get you into an uncomfortable situation...

 

**11\. Sept. 9:15 am**

Dean: I’ll be honest with you… I don’t know. I want to… I do, but.. things have actually been ok between me and Sam lately and I don’t want to mess anything up. I’m not saying what we’re doing is going to mess everything up. I don’t know. Can we talk about it later? Sam and I are headed back on the road, we think we might have found a case.

  
  


**11\. Sept. 3:27 pm**

Dean: Check out the fancy digs. Apparently the town we’re in is known around these parts for being haunted. Owner’s been complaining of supernatural occurrences and strange animal deaths around their property. Looks like we might finally get some work done around here

<attached image>

 

**11\. Sept. 3:31 pm**

Cas: I tried to look at the background but you're too distracting. Can't take my eyes off you.

 

**11\. Sept. 3:31 pm**

Dean: Can the cheesy lines, Cas. You already got me.

 

**11\. Sept. 3:32 pm**

Cas: :-) doesn't make it untrue.

  
  
  


**....:::: ::::....**

 

The day had been a disaster. Cas and Hannah had finally tracked down the rogue angel but he had been very adamant about staying on earth. Hannah tried to talk him down – to surrender, but although Cas had his angel blade ready in his hand and was known for being a fierce fighter, the angel had still attacked him with his blade. Something in Cas had snapped. He didn’t know what it was, maybe the built up frustration finally found an outlet, but Cas had beat the other angel to death without showing mercy and without stopping – not even when he had injured himself in the fight. Hannah finally got him to stop, though. She had healed him afterwards and only then had Cas registered that he had even been injured. Cas felt numb afterwards, trying to wrap his head around what had happened. Hannah had then given him a concerned look: “Maybe you need a break.”

 

On their way back they drove by a shop and Cas decided to do something for himself – to make him feel better. Writing letters as Steve had taught Cas a lot and he had a better understanding of what Dean might like or what he would find sexy now. The choice of buying a black leather jacket was an easy one.

 

Thinking about Steve reminded him that he had to write a message to Dean. He had tried to avoid it since yesterday… but finally decided to get it over with as he drove by a bar with open wifi. Hannah had followed him in silence, apparently she had decided to just humour him for the rest of the day, maybe because she knew that Cas wasn’t feeling like himself today. Cas was thankful for that; he had a lot on his mind.

 

He started his message from Steve with a bitter feeling, he tried not to think about. He didn’t need Steve anymore. He and Dean were together now and the guilt of still writing to Dean with a false identity was very prominent in his thoughts. He hoped they would just stop talking at some point and Dean would forget him. He kept his message as short as possible before he closed the laptop and pushed it away from him with a relieved sigh.

 

“Hannah, would you take a photo of me with my phone. I want to show Dean my new jacket.”

 

Hannah gave him a warm smile: “Of course.”

  
  


**11\. Sept. 7:46 pm**

Cas: Since you thought my coat was hiding too much of me I bought a new jacket. The lady in the shop said, and I quote here, “it looks smokin’ hot on you”. But I’ll let you be the judge of that.

<attached image>

 

**11\. Sept. 8:02 pm**

Dean: Holy Hell, Batman. Yeah… it looks smokin’ hot. Are you at a bar?

 

**11\. Sept. 8:05 pm**

Cas: Yes, but just because they have coffee to go and free wifi. Glad you like the jacket :-)

 

**11\. Sept. 8:06 pm**

Cas: How is the case?

 

**11\. Sept. 8:08 pm**

Dean: Case was a bust. Drove 5 hours to Pennsylvania and it turned out just to be some punk kids whose pranking got out of control. I don’t get it, where did all the monsters go?

 

**11\. Sept. 8:17pm**

Cas: I'm sorry... Isn't this a good thing...? I mean no world ending disasters looming over your head? Monsters apparently on vacation?

I'm on my way back to the motel now. Call you later?

 

**11\. Sept. 8:17 pm**

Sure thing.

 

**....:::: ::::....**

 

_Cas!_

_Hello Dean, is this a good time to talk?_

_Always. Decided to grab a couple of beers at a little bar in the area while Sam wraps up the non-case. What are you up to?_

_Just got back to my motel room. It was a long day but we've finally found the angel. I needed some coffee and did some research on our next target. My motel room doesn't have wifi so I had to go to a bar._

_Yeah well, I’m here for the beer. Kinda frustrated with how quiet it is out there. Sure it’s great that nothing’s really going on but.. I need work. You know?_

_I know what you mean. Sitting around and doing nothing doesn't feel very rewarding. I thought of driving to the next state tonight because I want to finish this quickly but Hannah advised me to go to sleep. Maybe she's right... But I just can't wait to see you and I'm getting impatient and frustrated. I may have let my frustration out on that angel today... But he asked for it... So I can't bring myself to feel guilty about it._

_….what happened? I’m sorry, you don’t have to talk about it. I know how this kind of stuff goes. You’re doing the best you can, Cas. That’s what matters._

_Thanks Dean... I just have to remind myself to be more careful when I fight. Injuries are annoying when you can't heal yourself... Let’s just say the other angel looked worse when it was over. He shouldn't have picked a fight with me. I always try to reason with them... But sometimes they just don't listen._

_Damn Sandy, when did you get so badass?_

_I was always "badass". I raised you from perdition, remember? Doesn’t get more "badass" than that._

_Look I’m just saying, I’ve got chills and uh… they’re multiplying. Don’t you dare tell Sam about that reference… I’ve had enough of the musicals lately… It’s kinda hot though._

_You think... I'm hot...?_

_Yes, you idiot. And I’ll show you how hot I think you are when you get back…. but uh, right now I’m kind of in a public place so can I… call you later?_

 

**....:::: ::::....**

 

Cas felt restless. He knew that Dean was in a bar somewhere feeling frustrated with his work and Cas had a bad feeling in his stomach. What if Dean met a woman tonight and decided that being with her would be much easier than “dating” him? He was sure Dean wouldn’t have any problem telling Sam about a woman… Cas growled and went to the mini fridge in his room. He didn’t like this feeling. It felt like hot fingers were crushing and burning his heart and Cas sighed as he rubbed over his chest to ease the pain. He shook his head, trying to understand why he was feeling this way. He just wanted this to stop. He tried to remember how he had felt when he woke up this morning but somehow this only made his sadness worse. He was afraid he would lose Dean. He knew deep down, he would fail at this new relationship and he couldn’t bear the thought.

 

He opened the mini fridge to get a bottle Jack Daniels he had bought a few days ago.  

  
  


**11\. Sept. 10:56 pm**

Cas: Dean… I…. you knowj I d do anything for u right?

 

**11\. Sept. 10:56 pm**

Cas: sorrry.. somhow the keys ar hard to finnnnd.

 

**11\. Sept. 10:57 pm**

Cas: i;m, so soory i know i sometimes do stupid things buuuut its cause i cant ..sorry i dont think you want to hear taht.

 

**11\. Sept. 10:58 pm**

Cas: fuck i just dont want to live my life withoutr you annnnnnnnnnnnnnnymore

 

**11\. Sept. 10:58 pm**

Cas: Im sorry just why woud you need me? just a brokn … I’d understand if you dunt want me anymor

 

**11\. Sept. 11:00 pm**

Cas: sorry

 

_Missed call 11:04 pm from Dean_

_Missed call 11:05 pm from Dean_

 

**11\. Sept. 11:06 pm**

Dean: Cas? What's going on? Answer your phone.

 

_Missed call 11:07 pm from Dean_

 

**11\. Sept. 11:07 pm**

Dean: Dammit Cas! Come on, call me back!

 

**11\. Sept. 11:08 pm**

Dean: Baby, please. Call me? I need to know you're ok.

 

_… Dean….?_

_Cas! What’s going on? You ok?_

_…. no… I don’t feel so good..._

_What, are you drunk?_

_yes..._

_Well that’s just fucking great, do you have any idea how worried I was? What’s going on with you, where did this come from?_

_….Dean… I’m sorry… I don’t want to…. inconvenience you… I’m no use to you… don’t understand why… I did so many bad things to you… why would you forgive me… I’m not worth it... you could find someone real nice… a woman... and I’m no woman and I’m no angel.. not anymore... and you can tell Sam about the woman...and I just mess things up… always.. not good.. not good luck, Dean… I’m so tired.._

_Cas, you idiot I don’t want someone else, I want you. And you're not an inconvenience… I’m the one being stupid. Look, we can tell Sam together ok? I… know I have my issues and I’m sorry but really, you make me so happy and I’m sorry if I make you feel like you’re not enough. All of that crap, it’s in the past. We’re together now and nothing’s going to mess that up, okay?_

_How do you know?_

_Because nothing else matters, Cas. Because I lo- care about you. And I don't care if you’re a guy or an angel or human or whatever. I want to be with you and you want to be with me so that’s what’s important. We’re going to be alright. Okay?_

_I feel sick…_

_How much did you drink? And since when are you a drinker?_

_Mmmhh don’t know… The Jack Daniels bottle is empty and the mini bottles from the fridge are...mmmh empty… I thought this was the right way to stop feeling this pain in my chest…. but it’s still there and my head hurts. If I lay still I don’t feel sooo sick. The room is moving… though… strange. Dean… I’m so selfish… I told you I was okay with you not telling Sam and I want to be… in my head… I know why… I understand and I don’t want to get you in this situation… I don’t understand why it’s hurts anyway.. ‘cause it shouldn’t. It’s because I’m selfish and you deserve better… I’m sorry, Dean._

_Cas, you’re drunk. And… I think we have some things we need to talk about. I want you to understand that you’re everything I need and you have nothing to worry about. My stuff, the whole Sam thing.. look that’s my hangup. I know I’m having a tough time with this but It’s not that I’m ashamed of you, or what we have… I promise we’ll tell him soon. Okay? I promise. But right now, you need to take care of yourself. Drink some water and get some sleep. I’ll check up on you in the morning._

  
_...mmmhh okaaaaaay Dean...luv you...gnnnnight_

 

 

 

 

 

 


	20. Timestamp for Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can be read before chapter 37

**Timestamp for Chapter 37**

 

He had woken up early, immediately reaching for his phone when last night’s phone call broke through the fog in his brain. He was torn between calling Cas to see if he was okay and letting him sleep through what would probably be a killer hangover. He chose the latter, instead heading into the bathroom to take a shower, brush his teeth, and change into some clothes.

 

By the time he made it out of the bathroom Sam was up and dressed, “going somewhere?”

 

“Yeah, wanted to head out to the library, do some research.”

 

Dean raised his eyebrow curiously, “research? On what?”

 

Throwing some papers and books into his bag, Sam slung it over his shoulder: “Stuff. Gotta keep the brain sharp, right?”

 

“Ugh… yeah okay, you do that poindexter, I’ll stay here… watch some tv.” Dean watched Sam grab the keys to the Impala and head out the door. He didn’t know what that was about but at least it gave him several hours to himself. He couldn’t call Cas yet, no doubt the poor guy was going to wake up with a splitting headache and he wished there was away for him to be there for him, make sure he was alright.

 

The call last night had worried him. He knew he had his doubts, and apparently Cas did too, things were complicated and they didn’t know what was going to happen to them. But he knew one thing for sure, he wanted Cas by his side for it. He would do anything to make sure Cas didn't have to go through any more nights like the one before. His head was a mess and he didn’t know what to make of all of these emotions, all of these thoughts and questions and doubts in his head.

 

Without realizing it, his eyes had been scanning the room, and just then they fell on the laptop that Sam had left behind. _Steve_. Ever since he had started talking to Cas regularly, Steve had fallen behind on his priority list. But Steve was the one who had pushed him to realize his feelings and Steve was the one who had made him comfortable with those feelings and Steve could help him figure out what to do here, how to make sure things with Cas worked out.

 

He sat at the table and opened up the laptop, navigating his way to Steve’s profile and began writing. Everything that had been cycling through his brain poured out through the keys and afterwards he felt relieved that he still had someone he could talk to, besides Cas, about all this kind of stuff.

 

After eating some breakfast and doing some more searches for a case, turning up nothing again, he decided he could finally call Cas. he was eager to see how he was feeling and he wanted to make sure Cas knew that he worried for no reason, that they were going to be ok. He dialed Cas’s number and heard a groan on the other line:

 

_Rise and shine, sleeping beauty. How are you feeling?_

_My head hurts and I feel ashamed. I apologize for my behavior last night._

_Hey, you don’t have to apologize. It happens. I don’t want you to think you have to drink to deal with stuff when you can just talk to me, though. I mean yeah… pot calling the kettle black and all that but seriously, talk to me.. what’s going on?_

_I don’t know. I think I just got overwhelmed with everything that’s happened in the past few days. Sometimes I still don't know how to cope with that. You don’t know how long I’ve wanted this to happen… with us… but I never dared to hope._

_I know what you mean… I’m sorry it took me so long to get my head out of my ass. I think I’ve always felt this way about you and I was just too stupid to know. But hey, better late than never, right?_

_Yes, I guess sometimes I have to remind myself that I'm not dreaming._

_Well you’re not. This is our real shitty life with this one good thing in it. I know things aren't going to be easy, because nothing really is for us. But we’ll make it work. I promise. Do you believe me?_

_I trust you, you know that. It’s just that I never had anything just for me… for my happiness in my life. I’m still not used to this._

_Good things do happen. You told me that._

_Ha, I know and you didn’t believe me then… I’m glad you do now._

_Guess it took divine intervention to get me to see that. But, we’ve got each other now. Just trust that things are going to work out._

_I’ll try. Is it bad that I want to have you in my bed right now?_

_Yes, it’s terrible. And I want it just as bad as you do._

_You know what I’m looking forward to the most? Falling asleep and waking up again next to you. To see your face... the first thing in the morning.... and I want to map your body with my lips._

_Keep talking like that, Cas… when you do finally get here I’m not letting you sleep for at least a week._

_Sleep is overrated._

_And nowhere near as important as some of the other stuff we’ll be doing…._

_I’m so close to throwing away my duties and just driving to Kansas. Just say the word, Dean._

_Man, that’s so tempting. But I can't make you do that. I know this is important to you._

_And I can’t let Hannah down... she did a lot of things for me. If she weren’t here I’d already be on my way but I can’t abandon her on this mission. She can’t do this alone. She’s no warrior._

_No, no… I get it. Just hurry back home to me when you’re done._

_I will. Do you know where you will go next?_

_Not really, guess I just have to wait around for something to turn up._

_So what’s your plan for today?_

_I dunno, Sam’s off at the library doing some research, though I don't know what the hell he’s researching since we don't have a case. I was thinking of just sitting around, maybe working on Baby, keeping an eye out for anything going on._

_I have to drive to Oregon today. I think I’ll wait a few hours before I start driving though – the headache is still killing me… At least I don’t feel sick anymore. I hate hangovers..._

_Yeah they’re the worst. I tend to just drink or sleep through them but I’m going to recommend that you just take some medicine and drink plenty of water._

_I will do that. And I think I will sleep a little bit more… I’m still tired. I always try to imagine that you are here with me before I sleep._

_Soon, alright? For now, get some rest. I’ll check up on you later._

_Okay, Dean._

  
  


**12\. Sept. 7:30 pm**

Dean: Hey baby, feeling better?

 

**12\. Sept. 7:35 pm**

Cas: I don’t appreciate you calling me a baby. I think I’ve learned a lot of things since I met you. :[

 

**12\. Sept. 7:36 pm**

Dean: Hahahahahaha

 

**12\. Sept. 7:36 pm**

Dean: I’m sorry, that was hilarious. It’s a pet name, something couples call each other. You know… baby, honey, sweetheart, all that crap.

 

**12\. Sept. 7:37 pm**

Cas: So basically you’re give me the same name as your car....

 

**12\. Sept. 7:38 pm**

Dean: Damn, I guess I didn’t realize that. Maybe it’s just the name I have for special stuff in my life…  I’d go with honey, but you had that weird bee thing a while ago and I’d rather forget about that.

 

**12\. Sept. 7:39 pm**

Cas: Bees aren’t weird… But I understand what you’re saying. I accept “baby” if it means I’m special to you. :-)

 

**12\. Sept. 7:39 pm**

Dean: Shut up, you already know you are.

 

**12\. Sept. 7:40 pm**

Cas:  :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)

 

**12\. Sept. 7:41 pm**

Dean: You and those emoticons.

 

**12\. Sept. 7:42 pm**

Dean: So you feeling better since last night? Did our phone call this morning help?

 

**12\. Sept. 7:45 pm**

Cas: I think so. I still don’t understand why I felt so down last night... It was very overwhelming and once the negative thoughts had started they only went down faster and more out of control.  

 

**12\. Sept. 7:47 pm**

Dean: I know the feeling. I’m sorry you have to go through that but you know you can call me next time you feel like that. I’m here for you.

 

**12\. Sept. 7:48 pm**

Cas: Thank you… I hope there won’t be a next time.

 

**12\. Sept. 7:50 pm**

Dean: Let’s hope not, you’re not really the happiest drunk…

 

**12\. Sept. 7:55 pm**

Cas: I can be... when you’re with me. Remember when you and Sam met me accidentally when I was after some angels? We went out for a beer together. I was very happy to see you again. I still remember the way you smiled at me.

 

**12\. Sept. 7:59 pm**

Dean: Yeah that just reminds me of how much of a douchebag I was for letting you go off on your own like that. I wish I could go back and tell you what was going on, things would have ended much differently.

 

**12\. Sept. 8:00 pm**

Cas: I know that feeling. I made a lot of mistakes I wish I could change. But at the time it looked like the only way, the only choice I had… And I know you were in the same situation. You felt like you didn’t have a choice and I understand that.

 

**12\. Sept. 8:01 pm**

Cas: And I learned a lot in that time. It’s not like you were responsible for me, Dean.

 

**12\. Sept. 8:04 pm**

Dean: Well, I still feel like an ass… but you’re right, no point in stewin in our own crap. I do have one question though…..

 

**12\. Sept. 8:04 pm**

Cas: What is it?

 

**12\. Sept. 8:05 pm**

Dean: How long have you had this little crush on me?

 

**12\. Sept. 8:06 pm**

Cas: It took me a long time to recognize my feelings for what they were... so I can't give you an exact date... I started thinking about my feelings for you when you told me that you were done with me after I refused to help you in that beautiful room. The thought was unbearable for me, that you would never want to see me again...

 

**12\. Sept. 8:07 pm**

Cas: I think that’s when I realized you meant more to me than just being my charge.

 

**12\. Sept. 8:08 pm**

Cas: Remember when we hunted down Raphael? I think that was the first time I wished you would be the one taking care of my virginity.

 

**12\. Sept. 8:10 pm**

Dean: Yeah that was kind of a disaster, hilarious, but a disaster. Sorry about that. I’ll make it up to you though, if you know what I mean.

 

**12\. Sept. 8:10 pm**

Dean: I was such an idiot, I can’t believe I didn’t see what was right in front of my face. I don't even know when I started feeling differently for you. I mean… I didn't realize it till now but even after everything that happened between us… when we were in purgatory, all I could think of was getting out with you. And when you didn’t make it… I was devastated. I didn't know how I was supposed to just keep living without you.

 

**12\. Sept. 8:11 pm**

Cas: I just realized that I really needed to hear that.

 

**12\. Sept. 8:12 pm**

Dean: Anytime.

 

**12\. Sept. 8:13 pm**

Cas: Fuck… I want to see you.

 

**12\. Sept. 8:14 pm**

Dean: Hey, watch your mouth.

 

**12\. Sept. 8:14 pm**

Dean: I’m kidding. I want to see you too. I miss you.

 

**12\. Sept. 8:14 pm**

Cas: I miss you, too. Do you want to call me later? Haven’t checked into the new motel, yet. I’ll can tell you when I’m there.

 

**12\. Sept. 8:14 pm**

Dean: Yeah, I’ll talk to you later

  


“45 minutes.”

 

Dean’s head snapped up to see Sam staring at him from the table. “What?”

 

“45 minutes. That’s how long you were just sitting there texting on your phone. Who the hell are you texting for that long?”

 

“None of your business,” Dean sat back on the bed, putting his phone away and turning on the tiny little tv set to a cooking show.

 

Sam was quiet for a while, and Dean thought he had heard the end of it. But moments later Sam piped up again, “Was it Cas?”

 

Dean stilled, then nonchalantly turned the volume up higher, “Yeah.”

 

Sam was quiet again. “Anything new?”

 

“No,” Dean replied gruffly.

 

Sam sighed and went back to his reading, “Whatever Dean. If that’s how you’re going to be.”

 

“Yup.”

 

“Jerk”

 

“Bitch.”

 

**12\. Sept. 9:45 pm**

Cas: I’m in my motel room… alone!

 

**12\. Sept. 9:50 pm**

Dean: Is that a hint?

 

**12\. Sept. 9:50 pm**

Cas: YES! So tell me when you have time to yourself so I can call you.

 

**12\. Sept. 9:51 pm**

Cas: Hopefully this is motivating…

**< attached image>**

** **

 

 

**12\. Sept. 9:55 pm**

Dean: 10 min

 

...

 

_Damn Cas, you can’t send me pictures like that and not expect me to get all excited._

_I didn’t expect it, but I hoped it would work._

_Sorry it took me so long, Sam has been on my ass lately and I’m running out of excuses for disappearing all the time._

_So what did you tell him?_

_Ummmm…. this time? Nothing. I kinda just mumbled something and walked outside…_

_I hope this doesn’t get you in trouble with him. I wouldn’t want you two to argue over this._

_Hey, he’ll get over it. It’s not like I’m doing anything wrong…_

_Hhmmm…. not yet…_

_I’ve created a monster. Hold on, let me drive around back.. I’m just sitting in the parking lot right now._

_Haha Dr. Frankenstein… I have a lot of catching up to do._

_Yeah, we’ll do some movie marathons when you get back. Though I can't guarantee we’ll actually be watching most of the time. Ok, I’m out back and mostly alone._

_Mostly?_

_Well I’m still in public and I’m pretty sure there’s a bum walking around here somewhere but otherwise it’s just me and you._

_I like the sound of that… just you and me..._

_You know what sound I like? You moaning my name as you’re about to come. That was fucking sexy._

_Do you want to hear that again? I just got rid of my suit pants._

_What, no badass leather jacket today? I want to see you in that again, just so I can tear it right off._

_I'm already lying on my bed wearing nothing but my boxers. Dean?_

_Aww hell yeah. What is it?_

_There's something I really want, that I can't get out of my head..._

_Uh huh?_

_I want to feel you inside of me... When we see each other again... Can we do this?_

_We definitely can. Damn, I can’t even wait. It’s gonna be so amazing. All I can think about is having you in my bed naked, feeling every part of your body, kissing you, burying myself in your ass and hearing you moan and call out my name. Fuck Cas, I’m so hard right now._

_Me too... Ohhh Dean... I don't think anything can persuade me to ever leave the bed again once I finally see you. I feel so hot... I’m stroking myself... Touch yourself for me, okay?_

_Way ahead of you, I’m imagining what it would feel like to have your mouth on me, those lips wrapped around my cock. Would you want that?_

_Oh yes… Dean, I want to taste you... I want to lick and kiss you every...ugh...where… Dean…_

_Damn Cas, you're by yourself right? For a while?_

_The whole night, why...?_

_I want you to try something, if you're interested. Do you have lube?_

_Mmmm…. yes…. and don’t ask._

_Ha, no that works for me. Okay, have you… man this is still really weird for me but uh… have you ever played with your ass?_

_… I might have imagined being with you before… so yes..._

_Cas, you kinky son of a bitch. We’re going to have so much fun when you get back._

_I can’t wait… so what do you want me to do?_

_Okay, grab your lube and squirt some on your fingers. I want you to tease yourself, rub your finger around your entrance and think about my tongue working you open. Are you doing that?_

_… oh ugh Dean…. that feels… really good… You’re making me crazy... you know that?_

_You have no idea how crazy you’re making me right now… ugh… keep… keep playing with yourself. When you're comfortable, I want you to fit in another finger… ugh… how many did you use when you thought of me?_

_Three… is that okay?_

_Yeah… yeah, that’s… damn, you’re so hot… I can’t wait to get in that tight ass, fuuuuuck..._

_nnnnngghh… Dean… oh my…. ugh… Dean. I want to feel you… I need you… uh.._

_Cas, I’m so close… I want… ugh… I really want to feel you too… I want to kiss you and touch you and… ugh…. I want to grab you and throw you down on my bed and fuck you…_

_Oh fucknnnggggg Deaaan… oh uh oh…._

_Cas… did you…?_

_mmmnh sorry… I .. uh… that was… uh… fuck_

_Shut up, don’t apologize… that’s so… guh.. hot… talk to me… I’m almost there…._

_I can tell you what I'll do with you once I finally see you again. Do you want to know?_

_… Uh huh….._

_I will push you against a wall, strip you naked and run my hands and my lips all over you, tasting every inch of you, leaving marks on your skin that say you're mine..._

_Yeah… keep going, Cas…_

_I'll kneel in front of you, taking you in my mouth, grabbing your ass, so I can push you deep into me... licking and kissing you, listening to you moaning my name._

_Ugh...gah… Caaaassss….… wow… holy crap…. where did you learn all that…_

_The internet is an endless source of wisdom…_

_Hey, Cas?_

_Yes, Dean?_

_…. Don't ever change._

_… I’ll try… how are you feeling, Dean?_

_Right now? Awesome. Fatastic…. Really miss you though._

_I somehow miss you even more now… I want to come home… Sorry, I shouldn’t complain… I’m grateful I can talk to you and we can do this..._

_Me too. Do you… uh… mind if I go though. I’m kinda sticky and would really like a shower…._

_No, that’s okay. I really need a shower too… I… I’ll think of you… I mean… not in that way… or maybe… but I meant I’ll think of you when I go to to sleep. I like to imagine you lying next to me..._

_Yeah? I like that… I’ll admit, I kind of do it too. It’s umm.. comforting. Anyway, good night Cas._

_  
Good night, Dean._

 

 

 


	21. Timestamp for Chapter 38

**Timestamp for Chapter 38**

  
  


**13\. Sept. 8:04 am**

Cas: Good morning, Dean. I hope you slept well.

 

**13\. Sept. 8:05 am**

Cas: I’ll have to search through a forest (again :-/) for another rogue angel. So I don’t know how often I can text... or when/if I’m able to call you today.

 

**13\. Sept. 8:06 am**

Cas: I don’t know if I should tell you this… but I ran into a streetlight this morning because I was thinking of you and I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.

 

**13\. Sept. 8:06 am**

Cas: As for my defense: It was before 6 am and pre-coffee.

 

**13\. Sept. 9:00 am**

Dean: Yeah I’m going to be a bit busy this morning too, checking out what will hopefully be an actual case. Be safe out there.

 

**13\. Sept. 9:01 am**

Dean: I took this pic for you this morning. Try not to run into any trees while you're thinking about it.

<attached image>

 

**13\. Sept. 9:27 am**

Cas: Great, I nearly ran into this lake. I hope you’re happy now.

<attached image>

**13\. Sept. 9:28 am**

Cas: You're so attractive… great, I think I’m lost in the woods now… mmhh.

 

**13\. Sept. 9:28 am**

Cas:  You’re very distracting. I hope you know that.

 

**13\. Sept. 11:15 am**

Dean: As are you. Is that cut on your eyebrow from running into the streetlamp?

 

**13\. Sept. 2:35 pm**

Cas: No… I had a fight with someone.

 

**13\. Sept. 2:36 pm**

Cas: Did you find a new case?

 

**13\. Sept. 3:55 pm**

Dean: With an angel? Hey I know you’re Mr. Badass and all but seriously, be careful. I want you back in one piece.

 

**13\. Sept. 3:56 pm**

Dean: Still investigating but it looks like a bust, again. Don't know what’s going on lately...

 

**13\. Sept. 3:57 pm**

Cas: You could help me ;-)

 

**13\. Sept. 3:58 pm**

Cas: Although I would suspect we wouldn’t get any work done once I see you again.

 

**13\. Sept. 5:06 pm**

Dean: The only thing I would be helping you with is tearing your clothes off.

 

**13\. Sept. 5:07 pm**

Dean: Plus, no offense, but I’d rather steer clear from angels, and all the bullshit they bring with them.

 

**13\. Sept. 5:07 pm**

Dean: I’ll make an exception for you, of course….

 

**13\. Sept. 5:12 pm**

Cas: Thanks, that’s very generous of you. :P (especially the clothes part)

 

**13\. Sept. 6:48 pm**

Dean: No problem. Anytime.

 

**13\. Sept. 6:50 pm**

Dean: No case. AGAIN. Sammy and I are headed out to a bar, this is so annoying.

 

**13\. Sept. 6:51 pm**

Cas: Have Fun. Say hi to Sam for me, please.

 

**13\. Sept. 8:09 pm**

Dean: Will do.

 

**13\. Sept. 8:11 pm**

Dean: Sam says hey.

 

**13\. Sept. 8:12 pm**

Dean: Actually it was more like heeeeey Caaaaaaas. He’s actually being kind of weird. He’s an idiot.

 

**13\. Sept. 8:49 pm**

Dean: Sam keeps asking about you. Don't you talk to him sometimes too? He’s getting on my nerves.

 

**13\. Sept. 9:32 pm**

Dean: Ok, I think he might actually be drunk. Which is weird, he never gets drunk….

 

**13\. Sept. 9:56 pm**

Dean: Sam is a happy drunk.

 

**13\. Sept. 10:17 pm**

Dean: Where are you? Are you ok? You’re missing Sam acting like an ass.

 

**13\. Sept. 10:34 pm**

Dean: text me whenever you can. I miss you.

 

**13: Sept. 11:28 pm**

Dean: I’m driving this idiot home. He wants to know if you're ok too, by the way. I told him I haven't heard from you in a while. Anyway. Hope you’re ok. Get back to me when you can.

 

**13\. Sept. 11:53 pm**

Cas: I’m okay. I miss you, too. Pity I missed Sam being drunk.

 

**13\. Sept. 11:53 pm**

Cas: And no, I haven’t talked to him in a while.

 

**14\. Sept. 12:01 am**

Dean: Oh. yeah he kinda said you guys didn’t. And then brought up that I’m the one you have a special bond with anyway so you usually talk to me. He’s just really weird when he’s drunk. You didn’t miss much.

 

14\. Sept. 12:02 am

Cas: He’s right about that but that’s not really news to him... I told him years ago that we have a more profound bond. Does he suspect anything? I mean with us?

 

**14\. Sept. 12:05 am**

Dean: Yeah that’s exactly what he said. With air quotes. I don't think so, I think he's just being a jerk. We’ve always kind of been closer anyway, I’m sure that’s what he means.

 

**14\. Sept. 12:06 am**

Cas: You know him best… but it is strange...

 

**14\. Sept. 12:07 am**

Cas: Dean… I should sleep. Is it okay if we talk again tomorrow?

 

**14\. Sept. 12:08 am**

Dean: Yeah I’m pretty beat too. Night, babe.

 

**14\. Sept. 12:08 am**

Cas: Good night, Dean

 

 

 

 

 


	22. Timestamp for Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Should be read before chapter 39

**Timestamp for Chapter 39**

 

**14\. Sept. 8:35 am**

Dean: Sam is so hungover haha

 

**14\. Sept. 8:36 am**

Cas: He has my sympathy.

 

**14\. Sept. 8:36 am**

Cas: By the way… I’m still sleeping.

**< attached image>**

 

**14\. Sept. 8:37 am**

Cas: So if I write strange things…. Tiiiiired...

 

**14\. Sept. 8:39 am**

Dean: Haha. My bad. I should let you sleep.

 

**14\. Sept. 8:40 am**

Cas: You’re the best boyfriend one can wish for. It would be even better if you would come by with some coffee? Preferable naked.

 

**14\. Sept. 8:41 am**

Dean: Well la-di-da princess, of course. Your wish is my command.

 

**14\. Sept. 8:42 am**

Cas: You should show me some respect. :P

 

**14\. Sept. 8:43 am**

Dean: mmmhhmm… yes, sir! You’re hot when you get all badass on me

 

**14\. Sept. 8:44 am**

Cas: That’s good to know. I will use that knowledge the next time I see you...

 

**14\. Sept. 8:45 am**

Cas: … and I’ll push you against the wall, rip your clothes off and kiss you senseless.

 

**14\. Sept. 8:46 am**

Dean: Woah, look who’s awake now. You're killing me here Cas.

 

**14\. Sept. 8:47 am**

Cas: I have no idea what you’re talking about. I’m clearly still sleeping. See, haven’t moved at all and my eyes are closed.

**< attached image>**

 

 

**14\. Sept. 8:48 am**

Cas: And I promise a better looking picture as soon as Hannah has healed me up.

 

**14\. Sept. 8:49 am**

Dean: Smartass, go back to sleep. I gotta get Sammy some hangover food anyway.

 

**14\. Sept. 11:23 am**

Cas: Feeling so much better now

**< attached image>**

 

 

**14\. Sept. 11:29 am**

Dean: Lookin better, daaamn.

 

**14\. Sept. 11:31 am**

Cas: Magic of 3 cups of coffee and a nice dream about a very sexy hunter.

 

**14\. Sept. 11:55 am**

Cas: CAN I CALL YOU?!!??

 

 

 

_CAS, are you ok… what’s wrong?!_

_I’m more than okay… um.. Hello Dean! … Dean… I’m coming home!_

_No shit, really?!_

_Yes! Hannah just got a message that the last unaccounted angels have returned to Heaven. Seems like word got around that we were hunting them down. I just have to bring Hannah back to the portal and then I can go._

_Wow, that’s awesome, Cas._

_I still can’t believe it... I can finally see you again! I can’t wait… I should pack my things and go. The faster I get Hannah back the sooner I can… see you again.… I can see you again… I know I’m repeating myself but… Dean…? You’re still okay with me coming back, right?_

_What?! How can you even ask that? Of course I’m okay with it, I’m excited. You know how badly I want to see you._

_I just want to make sure that you’re… you know, comfortable with it… I mean, I don’t want to pressure you into… this and um –_

_Cas, just shut up. You know I want this just as much as you do and I’m crazy excited about being able to see you again.. and umm…. getting to do all the stuff we’ve been talking about…._

_I can’t tell you how happy I am at the moment… Okay I have to go, Dean. I’ll call you later today, okay?_

_Yeah, hey Cas…_

_Yes?_

_I’m really happy I’m with you_

_…. Dean… me too… I never felt this good… this happy in my entire existence…. and like you always say...I’m older than dirt… so… this is incredible._

_Yeah it is… alright, I’ll talk to you later..._

_Can’t wait to hear your voice again._

 

 

He hung up the phone and the butterflies that had been floating around for the whole conversation had multiplied, crashing into the walls of his stomach and making him feel sick. He was happy. He knew that. He was finally going to see Cas again and they could get this relationship off the ground and… His heart sunk. When did things ever go right for him? He knew he was being stupid. Why couldn't he just enjoy this one thing? So much was up in the air and he wanted so badly just to be happy with Cas but so much could go wrong, was it worth getting his hopes up?

Of course it was. He had to try. For Cas. It was alright for him to make himself feel like shit over everything in his life but he had Cas to think about. It wasn't fair to him. He had to shove aside all of his insecurities and his fears and just push past it. He wanted Cas to be happy and he wanted to be happy with Cas, and that was the end of it.

The next step, of course, was to talk to Sam. He originally wanted to wait until Cas was back so they could both tell Sam together. But he was starting to think that would be even more awkward than just sitting down and talking it out.

It was important to him that Sam was ok with this, and without knowing how he would react, Dean was terrified of the idea of telling him the truth.

He walked back into the hotel room and found Sam coming out of the bathroom, looking much better than he had that morning.

“Hey, feeling like lunch?”

“Yeah, I could use something better than that greasy bacon sandwich you got me this morning.”

“Aww come on Sammy, it’s hangover food… it’s supposed to be bad for you.”

Sam made a disapproving face and gathered his wallet and phone from the table, “I think I’ll stick to healthier habits from now on.”

Dean patted him on the back, “yeah, yeah… we’ll get you some more of that rabbit food. Maybe a beer or two. Let’s go.”

Sam groaned and followed Dean out the car.

10 minutes later they were sitting in a booth at a classy bar. A large salad in front of Sam and a greasy bacon cheeseburger in front of Dean, who happened to be on his second beer. Sam had declined, saying something about how it wasn’t even 2pm. Dean reminded him that he used to be more fun and Sam just reacted with one of his bitchfaces.

“So uh… Sam.”

Sam didn't look up from his salad,” yeah?”

“Throughout that whole demon thing…” Sam looked up sharply, “I know we don't really like to talk about it but uh… I just gotta know. Why did you do it? Why’d you think it was worth it to change me back?”

Sam took a deep breath, his eyes scanning the room to make sure nobody was overhearing their conversation. “I told you Dean, you’re my brother. I’d do anything for you. I had to save you.”

“Yeah but… I mean, I was safe. Hell, I don't think anything could have stopped me. Besides you and Cas.” He took a sip of his beer, avoiding looking at Sam. “Why didn't you just let me go?”

“That wasn’t you, not really. I figured you deserved to be.. you. Not a twisted version of yourself. And I wanted you back. I know it’s what you didn't want, us always saving each other. But I had to do it, you understand right?”

“No I do, and I’m not complaining, believe me. He ran his hand through his hair, unsure of how to proceed. “Sam, I know I’m still not back all the way… this mark and everything. But, you’re ok with me the way I am, right? Even with the effects and all the other issues I’ve got?”

“Of course.” Sam’s forehead furrowed and he looked at Dean with pity, “Dean, you’re not a…” he hushed his voice, despite being pretty well isolated even in the crowded bar, “...demon anymore. Whatever else is going on with you, you’re still you. Sure, you’re a little angrier.. a little more… you know… murdery…. but it’s still you. And I’d rather have you, broken or not.”

Dean nodded his head in agreement…”Thanks. I guess I kinda needed that.”

“What’s this about anyway? You doing okay?”

“Yeah, yeah.. I’m good Sammy, I’m good,” Dean took another sip of his beer and brushed Sam off. He had danced around the subject but… in the end, he couldn't do it. He couldn't tell Sam, no matter how reassured he felt. It was one thing to accept that the Mark of Cain was making Dean have a lust to kill to feed the mark. It was another thing entirely for Dean to have a lust for… guys… for Cas, specifically. Part of him wanted to just blurt it out, get it over with. The other part, the decades of insecurity, made him hold his tongue. He’d bring it up again. He had to. But as of right now, the issue was dropped.

 

 

**14\. Sept. 9:53 pm**

Cas: Still in Oregon but we’re almost in Idaho. Drove over 9 h straight. Don’t know how you do this all the time.

**14\. Sept. 9:54 pm**

Cas: I’m having a long and hot shower now. If you want to we could talk later, say in 30 minutes? If you have the time and are not in the middle of a case.

**14\. Sept. 9:56 pm**

Dean: Hey I love driving, it used to be the only place that really felt like home, until we found the bunker. Yeah go ahead and call me later, enjoy your shower. I’ll try not to sit here and think about you in there while I wait….

 

 

_Hey Cas, had a good shower?_

_Hello Dean, yes it was really… relaxing._

_Can’t wait till you can hop in my shower with me, the one at the bunker is pretty awesome… big enough for two people and everything…_

_It’s good that you can’t see the stupid grin on my face. So do you have a plan for what we shall do first when I’m there?_

_Oh I have a few fantasies I’d be willing to try out. How about you, anything you really want to do when you’re finally free to do your own thing?_

_I would really like to go to the beach with you. I know you’re not a big fan of swimming but maybe you will be after that._

_… Well, If anyone could convince me to like it, it’s you._

_I will make sure of it._

_I don’t doubt it, you’ve already proven you can be pretty convincing. Look umm… I have to go. It’s getting late and I’m tired. I’ll talk to you later, ok?_

_Okay, Dean._

 

 

The phone fell from Dean’s hand and he watched it hit the floor in slow motion, the sound was muffled, as if it wasn't even in the same room. His mind was completely blank, except for one word: “No.”

 

It bounced inside his mind until he felt like he was going to scream: “No. No. No. No. No. No.” He couldn’t move, his body paralyzed as a feeling of dread washed over him, pulling his heart down into the pit of his stomach. “No. No. No. No. No.”

 

Dean had never told Cas about his dislike of swimming. But he had talked to Steve, extensively about a beach trip. One they both wanted to take together.

 

When Cas had mentioned the beach, all of the clues that he had left behind… they didn’t trickle in, the pieces didn't all fall together to fit a puzzle, it all didn't slowly dawn on him as he pondered every message, every phone call. No, the realization had hit him like a truck. Every message from Steve, every conversation with Cas over the last few weeks… everything just dropped on him like a boulder on his chest.

 

It was impossible. There was no way Cas could do that to him. Not again. His mind flashed back to that moment when Cas had first betrayed him. The moment he thought he had lost Cas forever. His head was spinning and he felt sick. He had to be imagining things. He had to be. Everything was so perfect between them. They were so happy. It couldn’t all be… ruined.

 

He had to make sure. He grabbed his laptop and opened it up to the first few messages from Steve. His eyes quickly scanned the screen.

 

_Hello Dean_  
_Hello Dean_  
_ Hello Dean _

 

Every single one began that way. How could he have not noticed? Steve gave him a description of himself. He sent a goddamn picture of himself. _Of course he couldn’t show his face._ Steve… No, Cas… had been so obvious. So fucking obvious and Dean couldn’t see what was right in front of his face. The mission, his _friend_ , even the name, _Steve_. It was the same name he had used when he was human. Cas had manipulated him from the very beginning and Dean just fell for it, hook, line and sinker.

 

But why? Why would Cas lie to him. Why would he go through all the trouble of making up this person. What was his endgame? Was their whole relationship a lie? Everything they had said to each other, all the phone calls, the revealed feelings… was any of it real?

 

It was real for him but, Cas? He should have known better than to trust an angel. He should have known better than to think he could actually have something good in his life. He was such an idiot. And the whole time he had been cheering _Steve_ on, pushing him to pursue what he wanted and it was all, all of it, another manipulation by Cas. He didn’t know what to think anymore. He couldn’t believe that Cas did this maliciously but… this wasn’t okay. Nothing was.

 

He clicked on _Reply to Message_ , and composed his last message to “Steve,” knowing that he couldn’t trust himself to talk to Cas. Knowing that if he heard Cas’s voice, he wouldn’t be able to do what he needed to do.

 

 

 

 

 


	23. Timestamp for Chapter 40

**Timestamp for Chapter 40**

 

When the alarm woke Cas up the next morning the first thing he did was check his cell phone to see if he had a new text from Dean. He was a bit disappointed to see that he had no new messages but maybe it was still too early for Dean and he was still asleep.

 

Cas had planned to get back on the road as soon as possible to get Hannah back to the portal. The faster she returned to Heaven the sooner he could see Dean again

 

He went through his morning routine – he still wasn’t used to these human needs entirely but he was slowly getting there – a lot quicker than usual, before he sat down with a cup of coffee and opened his laptop, checking his mail as long as he was in this motel with the open wifi connection, knowing that he wouldn’t get the chance to do this later on the road.

 

“Steve” had a new message from Dean and Cas smiled in anticipation to read it. His eyes wandered over Dean’s words as his heart started to beat wildly, the more he was progressing with his reading the more unpleasant the feeling in his heart got. Like something clenching its claws around it in a tight, cold grip. Cas thought he couldn't breath anymore when he read the last few sentences.

 

He knew.

 

Dean knew.

 

After a few minutes of stunned silence Cas took in a painful and shaking deep breath. He clasped his hand in front of his mouth to stifle the sobbing sound that was trying to escape his throat. It was over.

 

Cas stood up and closed the laptop. He went to his bed and sat down. His gaze went to his phone on the nightstand before he looked out of the window. It was still dark outside, the sun was just rising behind the treeline. He didn’t know how long he sat there just watching the sun slowly rise. At some point he heard a knocking on the door. He couldn’t react. He couldn’t speak. He couldn’t stand up. Minutes or hours passed and the door was opened. He didn’t turn around to see who it was. It didn’t matter. The person was talking to him. He couldn’t hear what it was. It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered anymore… _don’t bother coming home...._

 

Someone touched his forehead, warm hands that spoke of friendship and sincerity. He felt tears fall on his cheek, his vision blurred as welcoming arms pulled him into an embrace.

 

What happened?

 

Cas shook his head slightly, he couldn’t talk to her.

 

Do you want to stay here for a while longer?

 

Where would he go anyway? _…don’t bother coming home...._

 

He nodded and Hannah left the room, leaving him alone, sitting on his bed for hours and hours. He knew this day would come – where everything would end. He knew he would destroy this… that he would lose Dean. He had thought he could survive this, before he had learned that Dean felt the same for him, before they had become more than friends. But now he didn’t know how to process this. The feeling of losing this happiness, the promise of what they could have been together… it was too much. If Dean would never talk to him again, would never forgive him... at least Cas found solace in the knowledge that he would die as soon as his stolen grace was burned out. But before that he had to explain himself to Dean. He owed Dean answers and the truth about why he had done this. Maybe he would understand… no… Cas didn’t dare to hope that Dean would forgive him a second time. He had to accept that it was over. Dean was better off without him anyway. Cas knew that. He walked the earth on borrowed time… but before he had to go, he would at least try to explain this to Dean.

 

Cas walked over to his laptop. His hands were shaky when he replied to Dean’s message. Tears fell on his keyboard as he rubbed them away to clear his vision. He just hoped Dean would at least read this message.

 

 


	24. Timestamp for chapter 41

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dean's POV. Can be read after Chapter 41.

**Timestamp for chapter 41**

 

Another bar, another day. Dean was lost in thought when his phone beeped and he put his beer down excitedly to check his new message.

 

**16\. Sept. 9:28 pm**

Cas: Dean… I didn’t want to text you… but I have to know…

 

He rolled his eyes and threw his phone down on the table, aggressively taking another sip of his beer. He thought he had made it very clear to Cas that he didn’t want anything else to do with him. The phone beeped again and Dean ignored it. Then it beeped again. He continued to eat his steak like nothing happened. When he looked up from his plate, he noticed Sam staring at him oddly. The phone beeped again. And again. And again. Sam’s eyebrow raised, “Dude, you are blowing up… are you going to get that?”

 

Dean gave him a hard look, but then sighed and checked his messages.

 

**16\. Sept. 9:31 pm**

Cas: Did you get my message?

 

**16\. Sept. 9:32 pm**

Cas: Please let me know…

 

Two more from Cas, of course. The other three though…

  
  


**16\. Sept. 9:33 pm**

Shaylene: Hey baby, you excited to meet me?

 

**16\. Sept. 9:33 pm**

Shaylene: I’m excited to meet you.

 

**16\. Sept. 9:34 pm**

Shaylene: Especially after all the naughty things you said last night.

 

Dean smiled smugly and put his phone down, ignoring Sam’s still arched eyebrow.

 

His phone beeped again and this time he picked it up immediately:

 

**16\. Sept. 9:38 pm**

Cas: I will respect your wish and I will go back to Heaven if you never want to see me again.

 

He slammed the phone back down on the table. He couldn’t handle this right now. Not. Now.

 

Sam sighed deeply, “Dean, what’s going on?”

 

“Nothing.” He replied curtly.

 

“No, Dean... something is going on…. is it…”

 

“Sam.” He stared at him coldly, “Nothing is going on. I’m good.”

 

Sam scoffed and leaned back in his chair, “oh, you’re good? So you haven’t been acting really weird for the last couple of days?”

 

“No. Actually I’ve been doing just fine thank you. Better than fine, actually. Check this out.” He held his phone up to Sam, showing him a picture of a hot brunette on the screen.

 

Sam’s brow furrowed deeper and he grabbed the phone away from Dean.

 

“Hey man, privacy!” Dean went to grab the phone away from Sam’s hands but Sam leaned back and scrolled through Dean’s private messages.

 

“This is your dating profile? Looking to ‘hook up and have a good time’” Sam mocked. “These texts are filthy, Dean.….And who is Shaylene? Is this who you’ve been messaging? I thought…” Sam had a look of utter confusion on his face and Dean took the opportunity to snatch the phone away..

 

“Thought what?” Dean challenged, his jaw clenched as he put his phone away in his pocket .

 

“Nothing,” Sam conceded.

 

“Yeah, that’s right nothing.”

 

Sam sighed again. “Just…. what about…?” He stopped midsentence. The same girl from Dean’s phone had just walked into the bar, heads turning to look at her in her short purple dress that clung to her body, accentuating her busty figure.

 

Dean turned around to see what had interrupted Sam, when he turned back around to face a shocked Sam he had a cocky grin on his face. “Well...dinner’s on me,” he pulled out a few bills and slammed them on the table, “don’t wait up.”

 

He made his way over to Shaylene and wrapped his arm around her as he led her to the bar, “Hey, pretty lady. Glad you made it.”

 

They sat and ordered a few drinks, small talk heavily laced with flirtation and transparent innuendos was exchanged between them, as well as small caresses to Dean’s shoulder... her waist... his arm... her hair... his knee...

 

After a couple of hours Dean felt comfortable asking her if she wanted to get out of there and grab a motel room.

 

Her smile dropped off her face and she cocked her head quizzically at him. “Are you…? I’m sorry, I… we’re having fun here and I really like you… but I’m not just going to go off to some motel room with you after just a couple of hours. I thought this was….”

 

“What?” Dean’s sober attitude a drastic change from the easygoing one he just had. “You thought we would meet on a _dating website_ and, what? Just fall in love?”

 

She pursed her lips and straightened up, her demeanor matching Dean’s, “No. At least a semblance of a date would be nice before you try to get me in and out of bed as quickly as possible.”

 

“This is a date.” Dean defended, “and you knew what you were getting into from the beginning, sister. I didn’t trick you.” Agitation rose in his voice and a couple of people turned around to look at him. “I’m _upfront_ with my intentions. And if you thought this was going to be anything more than two selfish people using each other to get off then you were wrong. ‘Cause that’s all we are. Empty and searching for something, anything to distract us from our shitty lives for at least a few hours. That’s what we’re here for. If you’ve somehow convinced yourself otherwise that’s not on me.”

 

A tense silence fell between them. “I think this _date_ is over.” She finally replied, opening up her purse to pay for her drinks.

 

Dean immediately put his hand on hers to stop her, “No, wait. I’m sorry.” He pulled out his own wallet, “I invited you out here and I’m being a complete jerk, I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve that.”

 

She stopped and stared at him for a long while, a knowing smile slowly creeping up on her face. “What’s her name?”

 

Dean cocked his head, “excuse me?”

 

“Her name. The one who hurt you.”

 

“Cas,” Dean replied quickly, stunned at his confession. He looked up sharply at her but she didn’t seem to react, “how did you…?”

 

She put her purse back down, and leaned forward with her chin on her hands. “I know what a broken heart looks like, honey I’ve had enough of them over the years. She must have really done a number on you.”

 

“I….yeah…” He allowed her the assumption that his problem was over a woman. Minor detail.

 

“Well, you obviously have some issues you need to work through, and you figured this was a good way to avoid them. I get it.” She gave him a sympathetic look, “I’ve been there. Do you want to talk about it?”

 

Dean shook his head. “No…… Yes. I don’t know.” He knocked his drink back and sighed deeply, “I thought this would be different, you know?”

 

She nodded, allowing him to go on.

 

“I really believed this was it. Something real. Something good.” He scoffed, “I was wrong and I guess what really hurts is that I got my hopes up. I let someone in even though everything inside of me warned me not to.”

 

“And you blame yourself.” She replied calmly.

 

“I do.” Dean admitted. “I just can’t believe I was so stupid.”

 

“Sweetie, you’re not stupid. There’s nothing wrong with having hope. The world would be pretty dark without it.”

 

He continued, eyes cast down at the bar, “I was so happy, it didn’t even seem real.” His voice broke and he realized he had been holding back tears. He held up his hand to signal two more drinks but stopped when she put her hand on his shoulder.

 

“Let’s go outside. More private.”

 

Dean nodded and paid for their tab, letting her lead him outside. They sat out on the curb, Dean’s offered jacket draped over her shoulders.

 

“Dean, if you were so happy… if you don't mind me asking, what happened?”

 

He stared off into the dimly lit parking lot, taking in the cigarette butts that littered the gravel. “Cas uh… lied to me. It’s actually kind of complicated but… I can’t…I can't trust them anymore.”

 

“Cheating?”

 

“No, no.. nothing like that. They did something really, really underhanded to get me. When I found out, I flipped.”

 

“I see. So they did something desperate to be with you, and you felt betrayed?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“But she was still the same person? The relationship itself was real, just built on shaky foundation?”

 

Dean frowned at her, “I guess.”

 

“Is there anything she can do to gain your trust again?”

 

Dean picked up a rock from the ground and tossed it across the street, “I don’t know. I don't think so.”

 

“That’s up to you, I’m not trying to convince you one way or another. I know how hard it is to trust someone after they take that away from you. Just ask yourself this…” Dean looked up at her expectantly as she continued, “if this is the way it ends, would you be able to live with your decision without regret? Do you think it’s worth it to go through life feeling this way?”

 

Dean shook his head quietly.

 

“Just think about it, trust yourself to make the right decision, whatever that may be. Just don’t let it eat you up inside. You’re a good guy, underneath all the crap you pile up to keep people out.”

 

Dean smiled at her sheepishly, “Thanks. I’m sorry I ruined our date.”

 

“It’s ok, honestly. Believe me, it could have been worse.”

 

He thanked her and stood up, brushing dirt off the seat of his jeans and extending his hand to Shaylene to help her up. They exchanged a long hug and parted ways.

 

Dean pulled up to the motel and quietly made his way into the room, bypassing a sleeping Sam. His phone beeped in his pocket, and Sam rustled in his sleep as the phone beeped another two times. Dean pulled his phone out and tossed it on the dresser leaving his jeans pooled on the floor, too tired to do anything but crawl into bed without checking his messages.

 

**17\. Sept. 12:14 am**

Cas: Please just… I….

 

**17\. Sept. 12:14 am**

Cas: I will be at the portal on friday. I will wait one day before I go.

 

**17\. Sept. 12:15 am**

Cas: I won’t fight my fate once I’m there so you won’t hear from me again.

 

 

 


	25. Timestamp for chapter 42

**Timestamp for chapter 42**

 

He didn’t know how long he laid there, staring up at the stained off white ceiling of the motel room. His mind raced back and forth through a flurry of emotions. Anger at Cas for hurting him, anger at himself for allowing himself to get hurt, devastation at the loss, nervousness about his reaction, terror about the idea of a future without Cas in it.

 

He ran through the scenarios a million times. What he would do if he talked to Cas? What could happen if he forgave him? What it would feel like to never talk to him again?  What would happen if he trusted Cas and he got let down again? Would he be able to handle it?

 

He heard Sam rustling out of bed and he closed his eyes, pretending to still be sleeping.

 

“Dean?” Obviously it didn’t work. “Dean, what are you doing here?”

 

He sat up, leaning back against the headboard. Although he had been awake for probably an hour, he still felt tired and his limbs were heavy. “What do you think I’m doing here, it’s my bed, isn't it?”

 

“So what crazy hour did you sneak in here and crawl into _your_ bed?”

 

“Early,” Dean grunted grumpily.

 

“Uh huh…” Sam waited, expectantly.

 

“A couple hours after you left. We talked over some drinks and then I came here.”

Sam huffed a laugh and crossed his arms. “Really?” he questioned, incredulously, “you didn’t do anything else?”

 

“Sam, are you trying to insinuate something about me?” Dean joked as he got out of bed and made his way to the bathroom. “And even if I did, a lady never kisses and tells.” He slammed the door closed, leaving a confused Sam behind.

 

Sam didn't bother to bring up the issue again, instead deciding that a distraction was a better idea. He found what may have been a case, and they had some investigative work to do to make sure.

 

Unfortunately, all the people they interviewed were complete idiots and all they did was piss him off. How people could just go through this world so blind to everything that was out there, he didn’t know. He did know that when a smile and calm attitude didn’t work to get answers, a badge and a gun did. Sam hadn't been too happy about that, and Dean didn’t care. He got results. That’s what mattered. Not that it made any difference. When they got back to the motel room they still had nothing to go on and no case.

 

“Dean, what the hell was that?”

 

Dean sighed and dropped his jacked on the table, ignoring Sam.

 

“What’s with you lately? You’re all over the place!”

 

“Uh huh,” Dean replied, impassively.

 

“Dude, no. Don't pull that crap with me. You’re up, you're down… you're acting weird. And then today? I know I can’t understand what you’re going through but you can’t take it out on innocent people!”

 

“Are you done?”

 

“No, I’m not. What is going on with you? I’ve been dealing with your mood swings for weeks but the last couple of days have been the worst. What is it?”

 

“Nothing Sam, just drop it.”

 

“Is it the mark?”

 

Dean gave Sam an angry look, “No, it’s not the mark. Just, don’t worry about it, okay?”

 

Sam’s face softened and he quietly asked, “Is it Cas?”

 

Dean’s eyes widened and his heart began to race “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

 

“Come on, Dean”

 

“What does Cas have to do with any of this?” He licked his lips nervously and crossed his arms defensively.

 

Sam gave him a pleading look, “Come on, man. Don’t make me say it.”

 

Dean raised his eyebrows and shook his head mockingly, “Nothing to say, Sam.” His voice wavered slightly and he hoped Sam didn't notice.

 

Sam sighed and sat down, waiting for Dean to take the seat next to him at the table, “I know, Dean. About Cas. About you and Cas. And I just want you to know that... I don’t care. I’m okay with it. Whatever ‘it’ is.”

 

Dean sat there silently, staring down at his hands as Sam continued, “I mean, at first I was just happy that you guys had made up but then there was all the texting and the late night phone calls and you trying to be all sneaky and… well, I noticed how much you changed after you guys started talking more and uh… Cas was really good for you. I know you were still affected by the mark but I think Cas kept you grounded.” He took a breath. “Did something happen with you guys?”

 

“You could say that.” Dean admitted quietly.

 

“Care to elaborate?”

 

Dean sighed deeply and went into the whole story. Talking to Steve, Steve pushing Dean to talk to Cas, revealing his feelings for Cas and having those feelings reciprocated, and then finding out who Steve really was. Sam’s eyes widened at that.

 

“I can’t believe he would do that.” Sam uttered in amazement.

 

“Yeah, I know…” Dean muttered.

 

“He must have been really scared to tell you how he really felt.”

 

“Yeah he… wait, what?”

 

“He had to go behind your back just to talk to you. I know he wasn't actively pursuing a.. relationship or whatever, but he must have known deep down how he felt about you from the beginning. He must have been worried about your reaction.”

 

Dean’s face looked skeptical and Sam continued, “Look I agree with you, what he did was messed up. But you have to admit, you're not the easiest person to talk to, especially when it comes to, you know… chick flick moments.”

 

Dean rolled his eyes, “okay, so?”

 

“Well, he must have seen it as a way to talk to you without you closing yourself off and without him having to put himself out there and risk getting hurt. Thats… kind of what you did, wasn’t it?”

 

“I didn’t trick anybody into thinking I wasn’t me.”

 

“No, you didn’t. What I meant was, that’s why you were on that website… it was easier to talk to people when you had a computer screen to hide behind. So you wouldn't have to put yourself out there.”

 

He crossed his arms and frowned, “You know I still can’t forgive him for this, right?”

 

“Can’t or won’t?”

 

“Sam…”

 

“I get it, Dean. He hurt you. He did something stupid and messed up big time. I’m sure in his head he thought he was doing the right thing.”

 

“Yeah well, there’s the problem. He always thinks he’s doing the right thing.”

 

“And I’m sure he never meant to hurt you.”

 

“But he did.”

 

“Yes, he did. Dean, can I ask you something?”

 

Dean grunted in response.

 

“Did you love him? I mean, do you…?”

 

Dean stood there quietly as Sam trailed off, every emotion he had for the last few weeks still hitting him, his heart still beating erratically. “I think so,” he responded in a quiet voice. And with those words he felt like a dam broke in his heart and he was flooded with guilt and regret.

 

“Have you ever told him?”

 

“No, but… I think he knew. Maybe. He said it to me once, kind of. He was really drunk on the phone and he kind of mumbled it as we hung up. I guess I just pretended I didn’t hear it.

 

Sam chuckled, “yeah, I remember your phone calls. You kept sneaking off any chance you got so you could talk to him. It was kind of cute.”

 

“You watch your mouth,” Dean replied quickly.

 

“Alright, alright. Anyway, I’ve been noticing this kind of stuff. And I really think you guys had something good there. Have you had a chance to talk to him since you found out?”

 

“Not since the message I sent him telling him to fuck off. He’s sent me a couple of messages and texts but I’ve been ignoring them.”

 

Sam winced at that.

 

“Are you suggesting I talk to him?”

 

“No. Not really. You have to make this decision on your own. And I support whatever decision you make. I just think he deserves a chance to defend himself. And you deserve an explanation, don't you think?”

 

“What if I can’t? What if I can’t forgive him, Sammy?”

 

“What if you can?”

 

“Look at me, I’ve faced off every monster, every demon, life has thrown at me… and i’m terrified of what’ll happen if I see Cas again. I’m terrified of giving him that power to hurt me again.”

 

“I get that. It’s a lot to put in someone else's hands. But he has the power to do a lot more than hurt you Dean, he changed you in a good way. I think it’s worth a try.”

 

Dean felt so lost, he didn't know what to do and all he wanted was to curl up into his bed and never get back out again. Or he wanted to kill something. Either one worked.

 

“Look, you don’t have to make any decision right now, or even today. Let’s go out, drink this off and you can think about things tomorrow.”

 

Dean perked up at that, which caused Sam to laugh.

 

He agreed, it was a big decision to make and decisions like that took a lot of time… and a lot of alcohol. He and Sam spent the night at a biker bar where they hustled some pool and then got really trashed. They stumbled back to the motel, arms around each other's shoulders as they loudly sang Guns and Roses’ ‘Paradise City’, laughing and poking fun at each other for their horrible singing. Dean had almost forgotten about his problems until he spotted his phone sitting on the dresser, left behind in the rush to go out and get drunk.

 

He knew he had missed messages, but now was not the time to check them. That was a future Dean problem, not a drunk Dean problem.

  


….:::: ::::....

 

**17\. Sept. 12:14 am**

Cas: Please just… I….

 

**17\. Sept. 12:14 am**

Cas: I will be at the portal on friday. I will wait one day before I go.

 

**17\. Sept. 12:15 am**

Cas: I won’t fight my fate once I’m there so you won’t hear from me again.

 

He sat there reading the messages over and over. Sam had taken off to give Dean some time to think about everything and, while he appreciated it, he couldn't handle just sitting there and thinking about how everything went wrong and how he would never get it back again.

 

Cas was going to Heaven. That was the end. There was nothing for him here and he was going back to be with his family and he didn't need Dean anymore. What was Dean thinking? That an angel could have really fallen in love with him? That he actually mattered enough for Cas to stay with him?

 

Angrily, Dean stomped over to his laptop. If Cas wanted to go back to Heaven then he could just go.  He navigated his way to the stupid dating site where it all started. He had fully intended on deleting his profile, he had been an idiot for taking Sam’s suggestion to use it.

 

The arrow hovered over the words _Delete Profile_. All he had to do was click. On the corner of his screen a red bubble kept catching his eye, _2 Unread Messages_. He knew they were from Cas. He had purposely ignored them when he chatted with Shaylene, which he saw now was just a horribly pathetic way for him to get over Cas. He knew Cas had to be hurt when he made sure to add _Straight_ to his profile and take out the option for _Friendship_. But he was hurt, and all he could think of was hurting back.

 

His eyes were focused on the delete button but in his peripheral vision the red bubble taunted him. A fresh wave of anger ran through him and he clicked on messages, opting to start from the beginning again.

 

_Hello Dean,_

 

“Psshhh” Dean couldn’t believe the audacity. He continued reading and his eyes kept catching all the clues Cas had left behind, like the first time he had tried to re-read these messages with revulsion at how easy it had been for Cas to trick him.

 

This time, though, the anger ebbed away and was replaced with something else. Longing. Steve was Cas. And that took on a different meaning this time around. The reason he bonded so quickly with Steve had to be because he reminded Dean so much of Cas. The feelings he developed for Steve, whoever he thought Steve was, it was still Cas. And he had those feelings for Cas all along. He had pretty much admitted it almost immediately in his messages. And so had Cas, though of course he didn't know at the time that Cas had been admitting his feelings to him for the first time.

  
  


_There was someone in my life that I had always felt close to. We were best friends and I know that he thought of me that way, or maybe even as a brother. But for me it was more. I never told him because I didn’t want to lose his friendship, and I just knew that he wasn't open to having a relationship with me. Especially once we started to drift apart._

 

And Dean had read these messages and offered comfort and advice. Not even realizing that he was a big part in pushing Cas to reconnect with him, through Steve, even though he originally made it a point to tell Dean that he was offering friendship - something Dean really needed at the time.

 

_First and foremost I’m just interested in finding someone I can talk to._

 

He continued reading, re-reading certain passages and analyzing them in a million different ways. When he had first realized Cas was Steve all along, everything they had exchanged in their messages seemed tainted, like it was all one big game that he had lost. But looking back, Cas had helped Dean deal with a lot of his issues, and he had done the same for Cas. Dean wasn't the only broken one here, Cas used Steve to tell Dean all the things he would never be able to say without something to hide behind.

 

 _I still haven’t figured out how to deal with the guilt when something goes wrong. What do you do when you let down the people who trusted you? How do you ever make amends for that?_   
  
_So yes – I feel weighed down pretty much all of the time and I know the feeling of doing more harm than good. Lately, every time I tried to fix something I only ended up making it worse. Maybe I shouldn’t try anymore but I can’t just let it go. It’s my responsibility, right? If you break something, you have to fix it._

 

Dean put his head in his hands. _Cas, you idiot._ Dean was the one who had pushed Cas away and Dean was the one who had made him feel responsible for all his mistakes and Dean was the one who told him that nothing else mattered but fixing them. _Dean, you idiot._ He rubbed his eyes with his hands, they had been growing tired with the soft glow of the computer screen and the weeks worth of messages that suddenly had a whole new meaning that he had to uncover.

 

 _You're right. With everything you said. It isn't even the first time I'm lying to my friend and if he finds out, he will hate me and probably won't want to see me ever again, which would probably be the best for him. I'm not a good person and people near me tend to get hurt. I'm not even sorry that I did it, because I already see the progress he's making and I know that part of it was because of my actions. I'm selfish in that I want to help him for as long as he needs me, because that is the only way for me to be close to him. If there had been another option I would have taken it gladly. But there wasn't and it's too late to fix it now. I can only live with the consequences._   
  
_I know it will destroy me to lose him, but I'm already slowly losing him anyway due to the other mistakes we both have made and the distance that has grown between us. The same distance you talked about in your letter, that grew because we both kept secrets and ended up hurting each other._

 

He shoved his chair away from the table and quickly made his way to the mini fridge in the room, taking out a beer and then, with a pause, grabbing another beer. He chugged the first beer, which he believed the situation called for, then took a sip of the second beer, setting it back on the table and sitting in front of the laptop again.

 

The idea that it was Cas in these messages this time around, it changed so much. The stories he told were much different. He even laughed out loud a few times. The trickster brother, how did he not catch that? The pranks Steve had told him about were much, much funnier now that he knew it was about Gabriel. With tears in his eyes from the kind of laughter you only get from a mix of hilarity and nostalgia, he realized how much he missed this. How much he missed Cas.

 

And it would have never happened without these messages. He raised the beer to his lips and realized he was done with that one too. He grabbed another one and quickly sat back down again. He had been so stubborn. But that didn’t give Cas the right to pull this kind of scheme. But he would have never had those memories of being truly happy with Cas. But he also wouldn't have ended up with his heart torn to shreds. He put his face in his hands again and let out a long, low growl. “Why does my life have to be so complicated?” his voice came out muffled behind his hands.

 

When he got back to reading he cringed at the last message he had sent Cas. It had hurt him to write it and he knew it had to have hurt Cas. Those two new messages had been on the back of his mind the entire time and he wasn't sure if he could read them. He briefly considered just deleting his profile then, without having read them at all.

 

He opened up the first one:

 

 _I never wanted to hurt you. I know that it doesn't matter to you because... I did hurt you... again... and there are no words to express how much I want to undo this. I know this was a mistake. It was born out of desperation and good intentions... before my selfishness had to ruin everything._   
  
_I was desperate to be in your life again and I couldn't stand the fact that we had drifted apart and that I couldn't help you anymore. When Sam mentioned this website, he thought that it would be good for you meet normal people who you could talk to. It didn’t take me long to make a decision. I thought this was the chance to be there for you, to help you open up and to work through all the bad things that happened to you._   
  
_And then everything changed. I was always content to be just your friend but when we started to flirt... it just wasn't enough for me anymore. I got a glimpse of what we could be and I tried to fight for this, because I didn't want to lose this. You made me so happy..._

 

He stopped there. If he hadn't gone back to the beginning he might not have understood Cas’s reasoning. It made it so much harder to read the next part:

 

_I... Please don't.... please don't leave me, Dean. I know I don't deserve you... I shouldn't ask you this... I'm not a good person and I always mess things up but I just don't know how to live without you._

 

_I don't know what to do. I just hope you'll read this... I understand if you won't forgive me a second time. I never understood why you forgave me the first time... Deep down I knew this would happen and before these last few days I thought I could survive this, never knowing what I would lose..._

 

_I just wanted you to know why I did this. I hope... no I don't..._

_My feelings for you won't ever change... no matter how long my life might be._

 

That last bit played over and over in his mind.

 

_.. no matter how long my life might be._

 

It slowly dawned on him. How could he have forgotten? Cas’s grace…

 

**17\. Sept. 12:15 am**

Cas: I won’t fight my fate once I’m there so you won’t hear from me again.

 

That text hadn’t made sense at first but now... _I won’t fight my fate._

 

Of course. Cas was dying and he wasn't going to do a thing about it. Dean had just assumed Cas would do something to save himself. That he wasn't going to just roll over and die. But here he was, telling Dean that he didn't care enough to be alive anymore.

 

“Cas, no…” His fingers fumbled on the screen as he opened up three new messages he hadn't even realized he had gotten.

 

**18\. Sept. 11:16 am**

Cas: I just wanted to say good bye, Dean.

 

**18\. Sept. 11:16 am**

Cas: Could we at least say good bye?

 

**18\. Sept. 11:20 am**

Cas: Please, Dean.

 

Goodbye? Dean's heart raced and he put the phone down numbly. He moved on to the final message from Cas. All these attempts to reach Dean that he had just shrugged off:

 

_I just have to try this way again… There’s something I want to tell you and I never had the chance in these last few days... I wanted to tell you that… I love you… although these words seem so insufficient for what I feel about you… but for the lack of something better… I just wanted you to know that._

 

Of course he knew. He knew when he had had heard that drunken, mumbled love you that night and he knew when he had told Sam about it. And he knew that he loved Cas too. He had loved Cas from the beginning and even through Steve he had loved Cas. And now he was going to lose him.

 

He clicked _Reply_ and sat back to stare at the blank space in front of him. All of the thoughts running through his head and he didn’t know how or what to tell Cas. He typed and re-typed his message dozens of times before finally sending something. He just hoped he was doing the right thing.

 

Almost immediately a new message alert popped up on the screen.

 

_I could be there in nine hours._

 

He sent a quick text to Cas to let him know he would be waiting. It was less than a five hour drive to the bunker. He sent another text, this one to Sam:

 

**18\. Sept. 12:02 pm**

Dean: We got a drive ahead of us, Sammy.

 


	26. Timestamp for chapter 43

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can be read after chapter 43

**Timestamp for chapter 43**

Cas sat at a bench on the playground – the portal to Heaven just a few feet away from him - and stared at his phone. The last three text messages to Dean had been born out of desperation. He knew he had sounded pathetic but the thought alone that he would never hear Dean’s voice again, that he would never see him again, was too much for him to bear at this moment. It was a testament to his fading grace yet again that these emotions overwhelmed him, they burned painfully in his heart, making it hard to breathe and again Cas wondered how humans could cope with these feelings in their everyday life.

 

He had said his temporary goodbye to Hannah an hour before, telling her he would return to Heaven when the day was over. He didn’t expect Dean to answer but he had his laptop next to him, occasionally reading through some of their exchanged letters… trying to remember how happy he had felt when Dean still hadn’t known that Cas had lied to him... again.

 

He couldn’t live his life anymore knowing what he knew now – knowing what he had lost. Having felt this love, this happiness – the completeness that was Dean Winchester filling Cas’s heart and his existence with purpose, with peace… Dean had made him feel whole again, like he was worth something despite his mistakes, despite his failings.

 

And Cas had destroyed that…

 

Cas closed his eyes and thought about the theoretical and experimental justification for the Schrödinger equation to calm himself down and get his aching heartbeat under control. Thinking of a simple world with clear paths and rules to find a solution for a problem  –  it was something that could anchor him, could calm him. Emotions and relationships weren’t simple. Tactics and plans didn’t seem to work on that concept of chaos and instability. He sighed defeatedly, knowing that he still had so much left to learn.

 

Cas pulled the laptop onto his knees and read through his favorite messages from Dean... but they only made the aching in his chest worse. These messages were the reason for him being alone now. But still… if he hadn’t written them, he would have never had these past few days with Dean. Dean would have never told him that he had feelings for him and they would have never started to “date”. Cas couldn’t regret this… but it killed him that he had hurt Dean.

 

Suddenly he got a notification of a new unread message. He frowned and clicked on it – his eyes widening in shock when he saw it was from Dean.

 

_I’m not saying I’m forgiving you, but we have to talk._

_All the things I have to say, I can't say them here. Hell, I don't even know if I can say them in person. But, we owe each other that, at least._

_Meet me up at the bunker whenever you can. We’ll see where we go from there._

 

Cas didn’t know how to feel at first, he felt so many emotions crashing over his head that he felt dizzy and disorientated. Dean had answered! He didn’t dare to hope that this could mean that he would get another chance. No. Dean wanted to talk and he was right. Cas owed him an explanation in person. He quickly replied that he could be there in nine hours… That wasn’t anything that he needed to think about. He always knew how long he would need to get to Dean’s home. Which could have been his home too…. Cas shook his head, clearing his thoughts. Enough of this. His cell phone beeped, indicating he had a new message and Cas quickly checked it, relieved to see that Dean had agreed to see him then.

 

He closed his laptop and ran to his car. He couldn’t be in Kansas fast enough, He sent his thoughts to Hannah, knowing that she could hear him, telling her that he wouldn’t come back tonight.

 

In the first hour of the drive he felt restless. He tried not to think about Dean’s words.

 

_I’m not saying I’m forgiving you, but we have to talk._

_We’ll see where we go from there._

 

Cas felt a glimmer of hope in his chest and tried to shake it off. If he let himself hope that Dean would give him another chance and then found that he couldn’t because their relationship was broken beyond the point where it could be saved, he just knew the pain of the rejection would be unbearable for him. He felt his breathing become harder and his vision slightly blurred as he became more angry with himself by the second, that he had yet again failed at helping Dean, just bringing him pain again, betraying him, lying to him like he once did. Why couldn’t he learn from his mistakes? Why hadn’t he seen where this lie was heading?

 

An inner voice supplied an unhelpful answer. _You did see it but you chose to ignore the guilt that you felt. You knew it was wrong but you did it anyway. Because you’re selfish and you don’t deserve a second chance._

 

Cas stopped the car at the side of the road and angrily wiped his tears away. He should just turn around and return to Heaven…

 

_But, we owe each other that, at least._

Dean’s words popped into his head… He owed Dean. He had to explain this to Dean because he had to. There was no choice. If he just went back then he would hurt Dean again and this was the last thing he wanted to do.

 

Cas rubbed his hand over his face to clear his head. Why was this all so complicated? He closed his eyes, his hands gripping the steering wheel so hard his knuckles turned white. He growled and punched it, frustrated with himself and this situation and the uncertainty of where this was going and what he should do.

 

One thing was for sure. He had to pull himself together and just drive to Kansas. Because he owed Dean. And even if Dean told him to go and to never show his face again – at least Dean would be at peace for getting this off his chest.

 

So he drove.

 

It was already dark when he arrived in Lebanon, driving slowly along the small road that led to the bunker. He parked on the side of the road, taking a deep breath before leaving the car and walking alongside the trees to the main entrance.

 

He stopped. He couldn’t go in there. This was the place he should have come home to, the place where he and Dean could finally be happy together. And this place didn’t exist anymore. He turned around, walking through the treeline, finally sitting down on a fallen tree nearby.

 

He retrieved his phone from his pocket, hovering for a while over Dean’s contact before he finally sent him a message.

 

**18\. Sept. 09:32 pm**

Cas: I’m outside, waiting.

 

He pocketed the phone and folded his hands, trying to brace himself for what would happen.

 

…. :::: :::: ….

 

Cas looked up from the tree trunk he was sitting on when he heard Dean’s footsteps. He slowly stood up, his heartbeat quickened and his chest felt constricted when his gaze fell upon the hunter for the first time after what felt like a lifetime.

 

“Hello, Dean,” he greeted tentatively.

 

“Hey, Cas,” His tone wasn’t angry, but it was tense, and Dean’s body shifted slightly as if to move towards him, but then deciding not to.

 

Cas looked down at the ground. He hadn’t seen Dean for such a long time and he longed to look at him, his beautiful eyes, drinking in every aspect of the hunter he loved so dearly but he felt he hadn’t earned this right. He never wanted to hurt Dean but he had… and it weighed hard on his conscience.  “Thank you for allowing me to talk to you again. I know that couldn’t have been easy for you and I… I can’t tell you how...” Cas squinted his eyes as he felt his throat tighten and his eyes burn. “... how sorry I am. I know it probably won’t mean anything to you but I never wanted to hurt you… I would do anything…” His voice failed him, he couldn’t finish the sentence. He clenched his hands into fists as he waited for Dean’s reply – still too afraid to look up and possibly seeing hate or disgust in the hunter’s eyes.

 

“I think we should talk inside.” Dean said tersely, no emotion in his voice.

 

Cas froze. No… He didn’t want to re-live this again. The last time he had hoped he could stay with Dean in the bunker, Dean had told him to go, that he couldn’t stay. He just knew if they went inside to talk the same thing would happen again… and he would have to leave Dean’s life, heartbroken and alone… and no, he just couldn’t go there again. He glanced at his car that was parked a few feet away. Maybe this was a mistake. Dean would never forgive him and maybe he should just go… But he couldn’t move. He owed Dean this talk and it didn’t matter how much he feared it, feared to hear the words of rejection again. His voice was quiet: “Could we stay here, please? I can’t go inside.”

 

Dean stood there for a few seconds, as if contemplating his decision. Then, his hardened eyes softened and he unclenched his jaw as he replied quietly, “Yeah.. yeah, that’s ok.” He gestured his arm towards the tree trunk Cas had been sitting on, offering a seat and joining him so that they sat side by side.

 

Cas closed his eyes and inhaled a much needed breath, enjoying the warmth that radiated from Dean sitting next to him. He folded his hands, forcing himself to look at them and not to steal some glances sideways to the hunter. “It’s just… I don’t want to be there as long as you don’t want me...” He bit his lip. “I… don’t know what to do…. I miss you, Dean. I miss you so much…” He buried his face into one of hands, trying to hide the tears that stung his eyes again, knowing he had no right to them for he had hurt Dean and it was all his fault they were in this situation.

 

He felt an arm wrap around his shoulders, “Hey.. it’s ok. I didn't ask you here just so I could bite your head off. I miss you too…and we do need to figure some stuff out. But, if I didn’t want you here I wouldn't have asked you to come.”

 

It was the first time that Cas felt brave enough to look up at Dean. His words surprised him and he stared at the hunter with wide eyes for a few seconds, getting lost in Dean’s forest green eyes that had haunted his dreams for the past few weeks. “Dean… anything. I would do anything to fix what I did if you gave me the chance. Just tell me what you want.”

 

Dean ran his hand through his hair and let out a frustrated noise, “it’s not that easy, Cas. What you did… I don’t know how I can forgive you for it. I read your message and I can kind of understand the reasoning behind it but… I’m not ok. _This_ is not ok. I mean, how in the hell am I supposed to trust you after this?

 

Cas looked back at his hands again. Dean was right. Maybe this time it was too broken to fix it again. He didn’t know what he could do to get Dean to trust him again, so he just told him what he felt, without holding anything back. “I understand… I don’t know what to say to you, Dean. I can only repeat that I never wanted to hurt you. I only want to make you happy. I know this could have all been avoided if I had talked to you from the start. But I was afraid... and I felt we weren’t there anymore. That you would shut me out when I would have tried. You said that communication and honesty is important in a relationship and I want to have that. I still have much to learn and I need someone I can freely talk to, someone who can teach me – I just don’t want to be afraid anymore.”

 

Cas looked up at Dean. He wanted to show him how sincere he was with his next few words: “I need you, Dean and I can only hope you give me another chance so I can prove to you that I’m willing to fight and to work for this.”

 

Dean ducked his head and chuckled, surprising Cas. “Nothing is ever easy for us is it?”

 

"It doesn’t seem so, no..."

 

When Dean looked back up at him he had a sad smile on his face, “This isn't how it was supposed to go. Seeing each other again. This sucks.”

 

"Yes, it... ‘Sucks’...", Cas gave him a rueful smile. "So where are we going from here?"

 

“I’m not sure. You know, I was so ready to be mad at you. So ready to just tell you to fuck right off and that I didn't want to see you again. And then you come here looking like a kicked puppy and... I can’t. What’s the point in trying to hurt you more? We’re both hurting here. And I don't know how we can fix it but maybe we don't have to… at least not right away.”

 

"What do you mean?"

 

“I mean I’m tired of thinking about this. I’ve spent the last few days going through every scenario in my head and nothing makes sense and I’m just done with worrying about making the right or wrong choice.” He pulled Cas in closer and rested his forehead on Cas’s temple. Dean’s breath felt warm on his skin. “I just want to be with you right now. We can worry about the rest later.”

 

Cas was afraid to breathe... He couldn't believe this was happening. That Dean was maybe willing to give him another chance… He felt dizzy with their sudden closeness. Cas turned his head slowly, resting their foreheads together and closed his eyes, enjoying the sensation of being so close to Dean. “Dean…”

 

He pulled back slightly to look at the hunter with a sad expression. “Is it okay… I mean… I don’t know if you want to but… um…” Cas licked his lips and let his gaze fell on Dean’s mouth before he looked up back at Dean.

 

Dean mimicked his action, licking his lips before bringing his palm up to cup the side of his face, thumb stroking his cheekbone gently. “Yeah it’s ok” he said before planting a kiss on Cas’s lips and pulling back slowly to see Cas’s reaction.

 

Cas smiled tentatively, his heart beating fast as he laid his arms around Dean carefully, pulling him closer to kiss him again, dragging his lips softly over Dean's before he collected all of his courage to run his tongue over Dean’s upper lip. Cas moaned as he felt their tongue's meeting for the first time. A few careful licks at first but they both grew braver as they realized how good, how right this felt... And how much they had wanted to finally do this.

 

Dean wrapped an arm around Cas's waist while the other snaked around his neck to the back of his head, burying his hand in the soft strands of Cas's messy hair. The hunter pulled him in closer, pressing their bodies together tightly as his tongue still shyly explored Cas’s mouth. Cas had never felt better than he did in this moment. It felt like flying, like being complete again, like the last piece of the puzzle had finally fallen into place and made him whole again –  filling him with something that had always been missing in his existence.

 

“I’ve been imagining what it would be like to kiss you for so long,” Dean murmured against him, his mouth ghosting over Cas’s lips teasing him to lean in for more, more, more… Cas whimpered as he tried to recapture Dean’s lips, feeling the need and want rising hot in his body. Dean chuckled amiably: “It’s better than I thought it would be... Damn, I love your lips,” Dean growled and bit Cas’s lower lip softly. Cas moaned as Dean claimed his mouth again – this time more forcefully, deeper and hungry. He felt Dean's hand sliding under his coat to the bottom of his back, tugging at the hem of his shirt until he had freed it from his trousers. It felt like sparks of electricity when Dean's hand touched his skin for the first time. Cas growled when he felt a surge of need throughout his body – he needed more contact, he wanted to feel everything from Dean. His hands began to pull on Dean’s shirt as he felt them slipping down from the tree trunk on their knees, the dry leaves rustling under them.

 

Dean pulled back slightly, panting heavily against his lips. “Let’s take this inside, okay?” He must have felt Cas’s hesitation because he looked at him with an arched eyebrow and a reassuring smile: "I promise I won't kick you out tonight."

 

Cas was glad that Dean hadn’t noticed the shadow of doubt that crossed his face. Maybe Dean wouldn’t kick him out tonight, didn’t mean he wouldn’t kick him out tomorrow. Just because they were kissing… Cas stomped his rising hope down. Maybe Dean just wanted to see if this could work. If he liked having sex with him… Cas hoped he could give him enough pleasure so Dean would want to keep him at his side. He was not in a position to be selfish – this was about Cas making amends for his mistake. He nodded tentatively, his voice was quiet and low: “Okay…”

 

Dean took his hand and pulled him up, brushing the leaves off his jeans with the other hand. He must have noticed Cas’s hesitance, “If you’re concerned about my brother, don’t be. He’s staying out, wanted to give us some privacy.”

 

Cas tilted his head in surprise: “He knows...?”

 

Dean grinned and nodded, grabbing Cas’s hand and pulling him towards the bunker. He guided them through the dimly lit bunker to his room, holding his hand the whole way.

 

As soon as he closed the door behind them, he pushed Cas against the wall, kissing him and shoving his coat off his shoulders. His fingers worked quickly to unbutton Cas’s shirt and rip it off his body, tossing it on the floor with his coat. His hands moved down to unbutton and unzip his pants as his mouth worked its way to Cas’s neck, kissing and sucking and biting passionately. His skin buzzed and his head felt heavy and everything seemed to be going too fast and too slow at the same time.

 

“Cas? Hey, Cas! What’s wrong? Babe, look at me, are you okay?” Cas snapped out of a haze, staring at Dean in confusion. Dean had put some space between them, though his hands were gently placed on either side of Cas’s face. He had a concerned look on his face and Cas didn't understand why until he realized that his entire body was trembling.

 

Fear sunk in and Cas began to panic. He nodded his head nervously, “I’m ok, Dean please.. keep going. I’m sorry, I…”

 

Dean dropped his hands with a look of revulsion and Cas was sure he had messed up already. He couldn't even get this right and somehow he had managed to ruin things again.

 

Dean ran his hands through his hair agitatedly, “God, I’m a fucking idiot.”

 

“I’m very sorry Dean,” Cas looked down at the floor in shame and almost immediately he felt Dean move back into his space, placing his finger underneath Cas’s chin to lift his head up.

 

“You have nothing to be sorry about. I didn't even realize how stupid I was being. Cas, when I said I wasn't going to kick you out tonight I didn't mean I was just going to kick you out of my bed tomorrow morning and send you on your way. You get that right?”

 

Cas nodded unconvincingly and he dropped his eyes so he wouldn't have to look at Dean.

 

“Hey, hey… look at me.” Cas’s eyes slowly focused back on Dean’s, and he couldn’t help but feel responsible for the sadness they seemed to convey. “I know I said I haven't made any decisions yet and no, I don't know where this is going to go or what’s going to happen but… I want to be with you. And… I forgive you, okay? But please, be honest with me. Tell me what’s going on with you. Just… talk to me. We’ll figure things out together.”

 

Cas shuddered and took in a deep breath before pulling Dean close to him, burying his face into Dean’s neck. “I’m sorry… I think I still can’t bring myself to hope… I’m still not used to these emotions and it felt like dying to be separated from you. I’m still afraid… I don’t want to be… I just don’t know how to stop.”

 

“I guess we both have to learn to trust each other again,” Dean whispered as he nuzzled his face into Cas’s hair and kissed his ear. “And I’m sorry I pushed you too far, too fast. We’re not gonna do anything you're not ready for.”

 

Cas kissed the warm skin of Dean’s throat instead of answering, experimentally nibbling at it before he licked over it to soothe the skin and to taste him. “I’m ready, Dean. I want to be with you. I need you…,” Cas murmured into his neck as his hand started to unbutton the rest of Dean’s shirt, sliding it from his shoulders.  

 

Dean led Cas over to his bed, pulling him down to sit next to him. He quickly undid his shoes and kicked them off into a corner. Cas did the same and when he finished Dean grabbed him by the waist, pulling him onto the bed and lay on top of him, caressing his face and chest with gentle touches and leaving a trail of small kisses on his face. “I’m just saying we don’t have to do anything tonight. You just drove 9 hours and we’ve both been going through a rough time. There’s no rush. We can take our time.”

 

Cas hooked his fingers in Dean’s belt loop and pulled him down onto him, letting him feel that he was ready and he didn’t plan to wait. “I think, I need this now, Dean. I want to… I just need to feel you.”

 

Dean grinned, his voice was low and rough: “Yeah, okay. I’m down for that.” He leaned down and kissed Cas again who turned Dean around on the bed in an unexpected and swift motion.

 

Dean let out a noise of surprise as Cas gently pushed Dean down onto the bed, moving down his chest and stomach, leaving behind wet kisses and soft bites. He looked up at Dean, who seemed to be completely entranced, his mouth slightly parted and his chest moving up and down with shallow breaths. Cas proceeded to unzip Dean’s pants, lowering them slightly and Dean lifted his hips so that Cas could pull them off the rest of the way.

 

Before his nerves could hold him back he hooked his fingers into Dean’s boxers, slowly kissing his hipbones and then trailing the kisses downward as he lowered and removed the last bit of clothing. Cas stared hungrily, Dean was hard and the sight was enough to propel Cas forward to lick experimentally at the tip of his penis. He licked again, starting from the base to the tip, this time wrapping his lips around Dean when he reached the top, taking in every sensation, every smell, every taste.

 

Dean sighed beneath him and he felt fingers gently bury themselves in his hair. Feeling braver he swirled his tongue around to that sensitive spot he read about when he was researching how to please Dean. He got the response he wanted when Dean grunted and lifted his hips to search for more. Cas grasped Dean with his hand and proceeded to fit more of him into his mouth, incorporating all of the tips and techniques that he could recall including using his hands and tongue to add different sensations and soon Dean was twisting and moaning under him and he felt so proud of himself for reducing Dean to this.

 

Cas felt Dean tugging at his hair, breathing hard, his voice was a mess: “Cas… You should… ugh… stop…”

 

Cas looked up, not sure if he had done something wrong. Dean must have seen his concern as he was quick to reassure him: “That feels too good and I don’t want this to be over yet.”

Dean pulled Cas up to him to kiss him again, tasting himself on Cas’s tongue, turning him on even more. His hands roamed over Cas's chest down to his flat stomach, reaching tentatively between his legs. "Cas...," Dean moaned against his lips. “I want you so bad. I want to fuck you.” Dean’s fingers had been playing with the button on his pants and Cas quickly got them off, eager for more of this, more of Dean.

 

Dean chuckled and ran his thumb along Cas’s lower lip before kissing him hard again, pulling back only to ask in short breaths, “Are you sure? Are you ready? We don’t have to…”

 

“I’m ready, please Dean… I want you inside me.”

 

“Damn, that is so hot…” Dean trailed off and then seemed to gather his thoughts. “Ugh yeah okay… umm.. lube.” He reached into the drawer in the dresser next to his bed.

 

"I’ll go slow. You tell me if I hurt you, okay?" Dean told Cas when he found the lube and squeezed a generous amount of it on his fingers. He rubbed his fingers together to warm the liquid up before settling himself next to Cas, kissing him again and slowly started to circle his entrance. Cas moaned into Dean's mouth as Dean placed his other hand on the nape of his neck, pulling him in closer to kiss him thoroughly, trying to distract him from the possible pain when his finger carefully entered him.

 

Cas arched his back, mouth hanging open and breathing ragged. Dean smiled at him and Cas could see Dean was enjoying this as much as he was.

 

“You have no idea how hot you look right now,” Dean said as his hand moved from the back of his neck to play with his already messy hair. “You're okay, right?” he asked and he gave Cas a little time to adjust as he slowly moved his finger deeper inside of him.

 

“Yes, I’m good. Please, keep going.” He panted, already feeling like he needed more and more.  

 

Dean smirked cockily and it didn't take Cas long to figure out why. "Oh...ugh... Dean!!" Cas groaned as he felt an intense surge of pleasure rippling through his body making him even harder than before. Dean slipped in another finger and Cas felt reduced to a trembling and panting mess in seconds – he couldn't believe how good this felt. He had never experienced anything like this in his whole existence. And he wanted more. He needed more. He needed Dean inside of him, he wanted Dean to claim him, to leave a part of him inside Cas.

 

“Please, please… Dean,” he begged, his hips coming up to meet Dean’s fingers. Dean rubbed his thumb over Cas’s lips again: “Shhhh, I know, baby. I know.” Cas’s tongue flicked out to lick his thumb, sucking it in his mouth, and Dean moaned at the sight of it as he slipped in a third finger.

 

“Fuck, I want to be inside you so bad…”

 

Cas felt impossibly empty when Dean pulled his fingers out of him, groaning over the loss as Dean spread his legs further apart and settled between them. He grabbed Cas’s hips and lined himself up before he slowly entered him. Cas bit his lip and arched his back to be closer to Dean. This was so much better than in his imagination. Dean looked beautiful hovering over him, his mouth relaxed and open, his eyes shining with desire and abandon as he settled himself deep inside of him, giving Cas time to adjust to the feeling. It felt glorious, like they were connected in a way that just felt right. Dean touched his cheek and smiled, bending down to kiss him tenderly before looking at Cas as if searching for something. “You feeling, okay?” he whispered before kissing the side of his mouth. Cas nodded, feeling too overwhelmed and breathless to trust his voice. The only thing he could mutter was: “Move!”

 

Dean grinned before slowly thrusting into him, igniting a spark that shuddered through his whole body every time Dean moved inside of him. He kissed Cas again, sucking in his lower lip and biting it tenderly as he thrust his hips forward and slid all the way in and out of him. Cas’s hands gripped Dean’s sides, holding him tight, trying to anchor himself as he felt himself coming apart by this feeling. He closed his eyes, biting his lips as he lifted his hip to meet Dean’s thrust, panting uncontrollably as he felt Dean’s movement becoming harder and faster. “Look at me, Cas, “ Dean breathed against his lips. “I want to see you... Don’t hold back. I got you... Won’t ever let you go again.”

 

Cas tried to contain the sob that broke free from his mouth when he heard Dean’s words but it was too late. Dean didn’t seem to mind though. He smiled and kissed him again, one hand stroking through his hair – a feeling Cas knew he was becoming addicted to. Cas clung to Dean tightly when Dean’s thrusts became more erratic. He feared he would leave bruises on Dean’s skin but he liked the idea of marking him, leaving something that showed he was Cas’s. The physical feeling, the emotional one, everything became so overwhelming and there was only one word in his head and on his lips.

 

_Dean, Dean, Dean._

 

Cas knew he was gasping Dean’s name against Dean’s lips, begging him for more. He didn’t even know what that “more” was. But Dean knew. Dean gripped him tight, giving him everything, making him come apart until it was just too much and Cas felt like there was a blinding white light running through all of his body as he cried out: “Dean, I’m… I...”

 

“Fuck, yes, I got you… just let go.” Cas felt Dean gripping his hips with one hand, slamming and releasing himself hot and wet inside of him as Cas felt his senses all black out for a few seconds when the pleasure overwhelmed him and he felt like shattering into a thousand pieces.

 

It took a while for the world around him to make sense again. Dean laid next to him, his arms around him, giving him a feeling of warmth and security he didn’t know he yearned for. He smiled at him, looking more happy and relaxed than Cas had ever seen him before. Cas wanted to touch and kiss every freckle on Dean’s skin and he knew that Dean would let him now. A thought that made him so happy that it hurt in his heart. But it was a good hurt. Human emotions, he had learned, often contradicted themselves.

 

Dean stroked tenderly through his hair and Cas leaned into the touch, smiling back at Dean, enjoying that he finally could see him again, could lose himself in his green eyes without holding back. “Dean… I love you...you don't have to say anything back... I just wanted you to know.”

 

Dean smiled one of his rare carefree smiles at him that Cas had seen more often in the last hour than in the whole time he had known the hunter. He silently made it his mission to coax that smile into a permanent residence on Dean’s lips. Dean laid his hand on Cas’s cheekbone, stroking over it tenderly with his thumb. “I know.”

 

Cas stared at him with an open mouth: “Did you just quote Han Solo to me?”

 

Dean’s grin spread wider: “Which makes you Princess Leia.”

 

Cas contemplated that for a second and nodded as he came to a conclusion: “That’s okay. She’s hot.”

 

Dean pushed him into the pillow with a growl and kissed him, all open mouth and dirty. Cas could feel Dean’s hot breath on his lips as Dean’s mouth ghosted over his, whispering the words Cas had longed to hear. “I love you, too. But don’t get used to me saying that. I let my actions speak for themselves, okay?”

 

Cas smiled and kissed him: “I know Dean, no ‘chick flick’ moments.”

 

Dean chuckled amiably: “I can still hear you making air quotes, man.” He pulled Cas closer to him as he lowered his head and kissed his collarbone, sucking and licking at it until he left a red mark on the skin. Cas hummed and closed his eyes, enjoying that he was laying in Dean’s arms, finally feeling reassured that Dean wouldn’t let him go again. That he could stay with him in the bunker. In his new home. “So… you really told Sam about us…?

 

“Uhum…,” Dean confirmed as his lips wandered to Cas’s throat. Cas smiled when he felt a tickling sensation from Dean’s tongue on his skin. “How did he respond?”

 

Dean propped himself up on his elbows to look at Cas: “He kinda suspected the whole time and I’m pretty sure he’s on team Destiel.”

 

Cas tilted his head slightly in confusion: “Team what?”  

 

“Don’t worry about it,” Dean grinned before he leaned down and softly kissed him again. Cas deepened the kiss, burying his fingers in Dean’s short hair to hold him close as he licked slowly over the upper side of Dean’s tongue. He felt Dean shudder against him before he pulled back slightly. “Where the hell did you learn all that stuff?”

 

Cas raised an eyebrow at him: “I’ve told you, Dean. The internet is an…”

 

Dean cut him off: “So porn, gottcha.” Cas grinned and pulled him closer, finally noticing that something felt sticky on his stomach. He looked down and Dean sighed tiredly: “Yeah, how about we take a shower and then get some shut eye?”

 

“That’s probably a good idea. Though I can’t promise I’ll be able to keep my hands off of you while we’re showering. The shower was too involved in all of my latest daydreams about you.”

 

Dean grinned as he pulled Cas from the bed: “You know what? I’m totally okay with that.”

It took two hours till they finally made it back to Dean’s bed together. A bed which Cas called “their bed” secretly in his mind. He knew it would take some time before he got used to the idea that Dean really wanted him in his life but every kiss, every touch was helping him on this way. Dean pulled him closer and kissed his forehead as Cas wrapped his arms around his waist. Muffled from his face being buried in Cas’s hair, his tired voice came out as a low rumble: “We’re gonna talk about fixing the problem with your grace first thing tomorrow. That’s our top priority from now on. I don’t wanna lose you.”

  
Cas pulled him in tighter and kissed his collarbone before he fell asleep – finally being home.


	27. Timestamp for chapter 44

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can be read after chapter 44

**Timestamp for chapter 44**

**DEAN**

**  
**  


Dean threw his bag into the trunk, Sam and Cas throwing theirs in after, then he got into the driver’s seat, excited about the trip ahead of them. He watched as they hovered over the passenger side door until Cas gestured his hand for Sam to take the front seat while he took the back.

They closed the door behind them and Dean turned to look at them both. “Ready for the beach?!”

“Ready for a 12 hour drive?,” Sam replied in mock enthusiasm. They had all argued about which direction to go in, since they were practically smack dab in the middle of the country and would have to drive forever to see ocean anyway. Sam insisted on California while Cas had the idea of going to Florida but in the end they decided to take the shorter drive south to Texas to check out what beaches they had there.

“Shut up you, love road trips.” Dean settled himself in and started the car, immediately turning the music up so Led Zeppelin blared through the speakers. Sam rolled his eyes and looked away. Through the rearview mirror his eyes met with Cas’s, which were crinkled up in the way they did when he smiled. Yeah, he was so ready for this trip.

For the first few hours Dean sang along to his music, and even Sam joined in on a few that even he admitted where great songs. Cas watched happily from the back, his fingers wandering to Dean’s hair, to play with his ears, to run down his neck. Every once in a while he leaned over to whisper something sweet in his ear like “I love you Dean Winchester” and “You make me so happy.” Though he did one time whisper something about taking him in the backseat causing Dean to swerve into the next lane, which both Cas and Sam laughed at him for.

Overall he was so happy to have both Sam and Cas by his side. Things could have easily turned out so much worse and he was glad they didn’t. He didn't even want to know where he would be right now if he hadn't given Cas another chance or if Cas hadn’t pushed him to realize his feelings for him.

The last week that they spent together had been amazing. Mostly they spent the whole time holed up in Dean’s room, though they did surface for the occasional conversation or movie with Sam and for food of course. Cas picked up cooking like a natural and after only a few failed attempts, they both learned how to make a badass apple pie.

He also seemed to be a natural in bed. He didn’t know how much porn Cas watched, or “research” as he put it, but he seemed to know what the hell he was doing. Not that Dean was bad himself. He couldn’t believe he had actually spent so much time worrying that he wouldn't know what to do or that he would even be uncomfortable with the idea of being intimate with a guy. Everything with Cas just came so easily.

Halfway through the drive they stopped somewhere to stretch out their legs and to pick up shorts for the beach, some towels, sunscreen and some snacks for the road. Cas got them all colorful cheap gas station sunglasses, blue for himself, green for Dean and purple for Sam. Dean had a good laugh at that, which left Cas confused at what could have possibly have made a color funny.

Cas and Sam switched spots for the rest of the way, and while he appreciated being able to have Cas next to him on the drive, Sam was having too much fun sneaking his ginormous fingers into Dean’s hair, pinching his ear, and sensually tickling his neck while leaning in and loudly whispering weird stuff into his ear, mimicking Cas’s displays of affection from earlier. Cas found it hilarious and laughed uproariously when Dean threatened to turn the car right back around and take them back to the bunker.

When they finally made it to their destination they booked two rooms, one for Sam and the other for him and Cas, Sam insisted there was no way he was going to share a room with them, he had heard enough at the bunker. It didn’t really matter, after the long drive Dean and Cas barely shared more than a quick kiss before immediately falling asleep, wrapped up in each other's arms.

**  
**  


**CAS**

The beach was simply beautiful. There weren’t many people around and Sam had explained to him that it was because it was just a normal weekday and most people would be at work. And Dean liked the idea of them having the whole beach nearly to themselves.

Cas removed his shoes instantly, before doing anything else. He loved the feeling of sand under his feet and between his toes. Sam spread the blanket and food on the ground and was automatically assigned by Dean to make their cocktails from the varying bottles of liquors and mixes they had brought with them, since Sam had the most experience making drinks having once worked at a bar.

Cas could feel Dean’s eyes on him as he unbuttoned his shirt and he smiled when he looked up directly into his green eyes. The hunter took his sweet time removing his own shirt, perfectly aware that Cas’s attention was solely focused on him. Cas knew he was teasing him and he liked this side of Dean – all carefree and playful.

Sam cleared his throat audibly and gave them both a glare. “Really, guys?”

Dean laughed and thumped his brother on the shoulder. “Come on Sammy, where’s my drink?”

“Can you at least eat something first?” Sam shoved a sandwich into Dean’s hands with a raised eyebrow and Dean slumped down onto the blanket with a “Yes, mom.” Cas sat behind him, thanking Sam for the sandwich that was handed to him, and they ate in companionable silence.

When Cas finished his sandwich he hooked his chin on Dean’s shoulder, nibbling at his earlobe. “Do you want me to put some sunscreen on you?” Dean nodded with a full mouth and Sam rolled his eyes. “I’m going swimming. You two behave.”

They watched Sam run into the water and then Dean lay down on one of their towels, wiggling his eyebrows at Cas. Cas grinned and kissed him before retrieving the sunscreen from their bag and spreading it on Dean's chest, stomach, and arms with tender strokes. “Okay, sit up so I can do your back.”

Cas could have done this forever. He loved touching Dean, feeling him under his fingers. When he finished Dean pulled him down onto his towel and kissed him softly. “Do you need sunscreen too?” Cas wasn’t sure. He had never gotten a sunburn before but to be on the safe side he thought he should. The fact that Dean was offering to rub his hands all over him might have also influenced his decision. He nodded: “I think so.” Dean smiled and gave Cas the same treatment he had received and Cas loved every second of it.

They lay there for a while, cuddling and kissing, and Cas lost track of the time. Sam brought him back to reality when he coughed lightly, hoping to get their attention.

“Why don’t you two go jump in the water so I can enjoy my book in peace?” Sam told them, as he toweled himself dry and slumped down onto the blanket He pointedly looked in another direction as Cas and Dean changed into their shorts.

Once Cas was out of clothes and in his new shorts he ran into the water without so much as looking back. Cas heard an unfamiliar sound from Dean’s lips and he whirled around in time to see Dean scrunching his nose as the water crept up to his bare feet. “What are you waiting for?” Cas smiled knowingly, taking a few more steps into the tepid waves.

“The water is cold.” Dean complained, sticking his toe into the water and then pulling it back with a frown.

Cas grinned: “Only in the beginning. It gets warmer once you get used to it. Come on, don’t tell me you’re afraid of a little bit of –”

Cas wasn't expecting Dean to splash a handful of chilly water into his face in response. He stood there, frozen and staring at Dean, whose eyes then widened comically as Cas wiped the water off of his face with a glare. “That was a mistake, Dean Winchester.”

Dean yelped and began to run away but Cas caught up with him easily and pushed him into a large oncoming wave. “Oh, it’s so on!” Dean laughed as he jumped Cas, wrestling him into the sandy ground and landing on top of him as the shore washed up around them.

It was even better than he had imagined.

Dean looked down at Cas with a victorious smile when he had managed to pin him down to the ground. Cas raised his eyebrow confidently: “You got me because I let you, Dean. You’re exactly where I want you to be.”

“Oh, yeah?” Dean asked cockily, grinding his hips down and coaxing a moan from Cas’s lips “Yehh..ees..,” Cas managed to get out, which made Dean grin even wider. “I think that’s bull. I’ve got you and there’s nothing you can do about it. I win. Human hunter: one point, angel warrior: Ze – ”

In one swift motion Cas flipped them around before Dean could even finish his sentence. In a tight grip, he held the hunter’s wrists over his head before leaning down and planting a quick kiss on Dean’s nose: “I’m sorry, what were you saying?”

Dean growled and struggled to free himself from Cas’s strong grip but his attempts were futile. Cas hadn't anticipated that Dean would change his tactic though. The hunter rolled his hips upwards against Cas as he lunged at his lips, kissing Cas passionately and sliding his tongue deep into his mouth. It successfully distracted Cas from holding Dean down and the hunter took advantage of the moment to push Cas off of him and splash more cold water into his face. With a perplexed expression on his face and sitting knee deep in water, Cas was sure he must have been a ridiculous sight. Dean laughed: “Yeah, I was saying, human hunter: 2 points, drowned angel: zero points.”

Cas looked up at him with puppy dog eyes – something he knew Dean wouldn’t be able to resist. Dean’s laughter subsided and he crouched down next to Cas, brushing his fingers through the strands of wet hair as he kissed him softly. Cas felt the next wave coming and on impulse decided to shove Dean into it. The wave crashed over the hunter’s head and left Dean sitting in the water, his body rigid with cold and his eyes wide in surprise. Cas grinned and jumped up, laughing as Dean growled and began hunting him down in the shallow water. Cas sidestepped as he ran away, effectively evading Dean’s reach several times before stopping and turning around to tightly grip Dean by the shoulders. “Dean…,” he huffed, out of breath.

Dean wrapped his arms around Cas’s waist to bring him in closer. “Yeah?” Cas kissed him and grabbed him by the hand, leading him into deeper water, until it was nearly up to their chests. This time Dean kissed him and before pulling back he chuckled against Cas’s lips: “What are you doing?”

Cas turned around to make sure no one was watching. Sam was almost a spec on the beach, reading his book and not even paying attention to anything around him, and there was nobody else on the beach but them that day. Cas gave Dean what he thought was a very innocent look: “Nothing… just thought I would show you some of my skills.”

He kissed Dean’s neck and let his lips wander down the hunter’s firm chest down to his stomach. He could feel the moment when understanding hit Dean, his body tensed under Cas’s licks and kisses. “Uhm… Cas… oh fu –”

Cas didn’t hear the rest, however, because he had submerged his body until he was kneeling on the soft, sandy ground in front of Dean. He didn’t need to breathe if he chose not to, and, like a few other skills, it conveniently did not consume any grace. He kept himself submerged by holding tight to Dean’s hips as he mouthed at dean’s shorts, feeling him already half hard. He hooked his thumbs under the waistband and slowly pulled Dean;s shorts down, inch by inch, greeting every new piece of revealed skin with small kisses. His lips found dean fully hard very quickly and Cas took his full length into his mouth in one swift motion, Dean’s hips bucking against him as his fingers scrambled to tightly grip Cas’s hair.

Cas loved being intimate with Dean. Every time he felt Dean letting go of himself, letting himself fall into Cas’s care, trusting Cas to catch him, to hold him… He knew that Dean was showing him forgiveness in a whole different way. All of their sexual encounters over the last week, after they had “made up,” meant exploring a whole new side of the Dean. A part of him behind the carefully constructed walls. A carefree Dean without the dark abyss that was the Mark of Cain trying to drag his soul down. Cas saw happiness in him. A happiness that had surprised even Dean, who thought he would never have that feeling in his life again.

When Dean came in his mouth he swallowed everything, guiding and holding him through his high until he felt him shaking and bearing his weight down on Cas who had still been holding his body up in place. He carefully pulled the shorts back up before surfacing with a content smile on his face.

Dean pulled him into a hug and placed his chin on Cas’s shoulder: “Damn, Cas. You’re gonna be the death of me. Your skills are…. very impressive”

They stayed like that until Dean’s body began to shiver. “I think we should get back and dry up. You're freezing.” Cas whispered into his ear, nudging his face with his nose and placing a soft kiss on Dean’s earlobe.

“Yeah, good idea. It’s getting late anyway.”

Cas looked up at the sky and saw that Dean was right. The sun was already hanging low, as if it was about to dip into the ocean.

Dean hooked an arm around Cas as they waded through the water, making their way back to the beach. Every now and then Dean looked over at Cas with a happy smile and a warmth spread throughout his whole body.

Sam looked up from his book when he noticed them walk up. “You have enough of the water?”

“Never,” Dean said, surprising Sam and Cas with his answer. He gave Cas a look: “But we should probably head back to the motel soon. It’s getting cold.”

Sam nodded as Dean grabbed a towel and rubbed it into Castiel’s hair before shoving it into his hands. He grinned widely at him and Cas knew it probably had something to do with his hair, which tended to stick out in wild directions – even without him doing anything to it. Dean had previously mentioned that he liked it though, and that was all that mattered to Cas.

Cas slipped back into his clothes after he had dried himself with Dean’s towel, giving the sunset and the ocean a longing look. Why was it that time always flew by so fast when you were having fun?

He walked up behind Dean, who was buttoning up his shirt, and leaned over to whisper in his ear: “Dean would you come with me for a moment?”

They left Sam to pack up the rest of their stuff so they could walk to the shoreline, enjoying the silence that was only interrupted by a few seagulls flying nearby.

The sun began to set, marking the day as over and Cas’s heart was gripped by a sudden feeling of melancholy, but also incredible joy and gratitude for being able to have this day. It had been a long journey for them both and he knew, deep within himself, that it would all end well, now that they had each other.

Cas looked over at Dean and smiled at how the warm orange glow of the setting sun engulfed his hunter, who always seemed to radiate on his own with strength, determination, and warmth. His green eyes shone with the last rays of the sun and Cas knew that this was the most beautiful thing he had seen in all of creation. “Thank you for having me…” He let the sentence hang there on purpose, wanting Dean to understand that he didn’t only mean “in his home” but foremost that he was grateful that Dean had allowed him back into his life.

Dean smiled at him and it reassured Cas that he knew exactly what Cas meant. “Thank you for getting my head out of my ass, “ He laid his arm around Cas’s shoulder and they both continued to watch the sunset. Cas felt at peace.

 **  
** Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.

 

 


End file.
